We would be expected to post this with an R. Kelly song, since one of the stories actually involves urinating on someone, but we go curveball and go instead with innuendo-tastic “Candy Rain.”

Multiple and despicable Fulmer Cupdates, beginning with a UGA walk-on and his funsy adventures at Lake Allatoona.

UGA walk-on Tripp Taylor earns charges from an incident two months ago, and oh golly was it worth the wait.

For almost two long months, Charles Rogers says he’s had to grit his teeth and wait for authorities to file charges against a University of Georgia football player who, along with several other college kids, allegedly stripped him of his clothes, beat him and then urinated on him during a Memorial Day weekend attack at Lake Allatoona.

For being involved in this particular candy rain incident, as well as participating in a fight where a high-schooler got hit in the face with a goddamn baseball bat by college-aged students, Taylor earns three points for the dogs, two for the misdemeanor assault charge, and one for the piss bonus awarded by the panel here at EDSBS.

Domestic dispute incident one: Rutgers gets support from its coaching staff as Scarlet Knights assistant Chris Demarest hits his girlfriend in a nightclub in Long Branch, New Jersey. He earns a three point boost for Rutgers, with two for the assault, and one for the “big strong men hitting girls” bonus.

Domestic dispute incident two: What the hell? Was there a full moon this past weekend? We didn’t notice, what with all the running around naked, covered in fur, and killing the innocent in between dodging silver bullets.


Remus Lupin has no comment on this weekend’s activities.

Anyway, Wisconsin running back Lance Smith got into a spat with his girlfriend over whether she owed him five or ten dollars following a cab ride. The argument escalated quickly (they usually do) and culminated in this extremely rational conclusion to the situation:

The woman told police that during the dispute, Smith — whose legal name is Smith-Williams — would not let her out of his North Randall Street apartment and pushed her down as she tried to leave.

Smith then told the woman to go to a nearby convenience store to get change for a $20 bill, but allegedly followed her, still arguing, and pushed her down in the store, the woman told police.

As she fell, the woman dropped the $20 bill and Smith allegedly picked up the cash and took her shoes, DeSpain said.

I’ll ruin you! I’ll destroy you! I’ll…I’LL TAKE YOUR SHOES, BITCH!!! Smith is charged with false imprisonment, robbery and battery, an impressive seven-point score for Wisconsin after the addition of yet another hitting girls point.

We really, really can’t wait to write about actual football, y’all. Really.