Our instant senior correspondents are filing their reports to ESPN’s new “College Football Live.” We’ll post them as we get them, since we’re stuck being employed. Viva la cut and paste! The only consensus we can see after one show: Lee Corso is waxing orange at an alarming pace.
Corso Orange Rating, July ‘07: Yam-colored.
From Senior Theology and Media Correspondent Jebus H. Christ:
Right off the bat I’m wondering where Chris Fowler is? Are The Great Outdoor games this week? So as his first act as host of the show Rece Davis runs over to the Grambling State Band and clumsily tries to whip them into a frenzy and they completely ignore him. You got served!
I like the fact that Corso and Herbstreit are wearing matching suits. It’s really cute. It also appears that Corso’s been meringued. Why is he orange? He doesn’t even look real, which is awesome, when you consider that Herbstreit is a lifesize My Buddy doll. Sorry girls, there’s no snake in those trousers, Herbie’s privates are a smooth, shiny plastic. I bet you could get attachments for him though…
Ray Rice of Rutgers is there LIVE! for an interview on the fake field with Rece Davis. Ray looks like he borrowed his suit from the Playmaker’s wardrobe. It doesn’t appear to have any buttons. And Rece Davis gets clowned, again, when he tried to get Ray to dance with him. No more dancing, Rece. Seriously.
Back over to Corso and Herbie. The whole time Corso talks, Herbie stares at him with a glazed expression… why is that look familiar?
It’s the same look David Schwimmer had on his face when he played opposite Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm’s version of The Producers. Corso is Max Bialystock! Wow, these guys are electric…
The big board for this week, looking much the same as it did last week due to a spurt of good behavior or poor enforcement by the university police of this nation.
Notes, apologies, and addenda follow.
Boise State makes the big board per Tomek’s tip on the odd DUI arrest of John Helmandollar, Boise State running back who was picked up by Boise PD for driving under the influence of “something other than alcohol” at 11 a.m. Friday morning. Even odds on the substance, posted by EDSBS Wagers Ltd:
-Weed 2:1
-Meth 3:1
-Masturbated self into spunk-drunk stupor 4:1
-GHB 8:1
-Cocaine 12:1
-The people’s choice, Purple Drank 14:1
-MDMA 15:1
-LSD 18:1
-Nutmeg 35:1
-High on Jesus 50:1
-Under the intoxicating influence of intoxicating T-Payne ballad 75:1
-Delusional from all night reading session with bootleg Harry Potter 500:1
-Quaaludes 600:1 (He found the last one!)
Boise gets two Fulmer Cup points for DUI without using any trick plays at all.
Michigan will need some adjustment since the marijuana charges against one of its players have been dropped completely.
We’ve eaten some really, really ill-advised concoctions in our time. A cole slaw burrito. A steak, bacon, egg, and chicken biscuit from Mrs. Winner’s. Once, on a dare, we scarfed down a half-eaten burrito off the bottom of a bus tub while working as a bus boy one summer-after breaking out into a rash of boils, losing consciousness for three days, and forgetting everything that had happened during the month before the incident, we recovered and haven’t been sick since.
We don’t think that with a wife and a dog, we could eat the deadliest catch of all football tailgate foods, brought to us by Run Up The Score: the deep-fried White Castle cheeseburger.
My god, man. Do you want to die?
By mighty Bacharach’s Piano Keys! You should go do something else with a similar danger rating, like playing Russian roulette, or taunting an angry Jon Lovitz, for example. If these existed in Australia, Steve Irwin would have been killed by one. If they were African, mythical oral histories would surround them. If these existed in Tennessee…well, they will, in a matter of minutes, we’re guessing, so scratch that. Someone’s running at a dead sprint to a deep fryer as we speak.
We continue the long slog through the EDSBS top 25. The fascinating section involving “merely excellent” teams gets note now.
Joining us as special guest editor will be Harry Potter Spoiler Guy. If you think any of the spoilers are real and you’re very concerned about this, well…keep reading dorkboy/girl.
10. Georgia Georgia’s initial cheat sheet begins and ends with the fascination cloud surrounding Matthew Stafford, their burly, keg-lifting, baby-Sex-Cannon-in-the-making.
Stafford has an arm like something out of the bible. We’re betting he could throw beautiful pigskin bullets through the walls of Jericho, and that given his propensity for the deep ball, he would instead prefer to lob long balls to the top of Mount Nebo effortlessly.
Matthew Stafford: a qb of Biblical proportions, seen here toting a container full of “proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
The baby Rex Grossman aspect may obscure the superb job Richt did in handling Stafford last year. Richt, a conservative play-caller in his old(er) age, binged on the run to the tune of 426 rushes to 342 passes last year, setting up many of these off play-action, something the BSC thrived on to the tune of a 13/7 TD/INT ratio.
Umm…correction. Richt did do a superb job of handling Stafford last year, but reverse that ratio: 7 TDs, 13 INTs, including 3 each in the Kentucky, Miss State, and South Carolina games. A freshman doing this while throwing deep is “exciteable like a puppy!” A sophomore doing this is “zone defense dyslexic.” Thanks, Jonathan.
(more…)
We’re looking for two-that’s right, TWO-instant senior correspondents to help us “cover” two events. We say “cover” because in no way should you maintain any semblance of journalistic integrity in writing about these events.
Our needs for instant senior correspondents are:
-One: we’re looking for short, punchy, and potentially punch-drunk prose from one person who will become an instant senior correspondent by being home at 3:30 to watch the new ESPN College Football show.
You, too, can be an instant senior correspondent.
And two:
-We need pictures or anecdotes from someone who is going to be at SEC Media Days this Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. We can’t get off work, but if you are willing to go, we’ll be happy to send you an EDSBS t-shirt and a box full of our eternal respect. Normally, AL.com has the obsessive tabloid coverage of the event down pat-but someone’s got to photograph Les Miles walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, right?
Write us at harumphharumph of the yahoo type mail thingy variety to apply.
Day 40 comes to us courtesy of the Red River Rivalry. 40 days, castaways. (Affirmation courtesy of Ryan, who used a photo by Bennett Berry to produces this. Kind forgiveness requested of Mr. Berry.)
