What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the Road Trip Edition.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 5:30 Mountain. All you rock people down at the Roxy and up in the Rockies, rock on!

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600 to enjoy a five minute vacation smack dab in the middle of your work week.

Who: Clay Travis, who will be pimping his new SEC travelogue Dixieland Delight: A Football Season on the Road in the Southeastern Conference. We’ll dare him to tell us Florida girls have fat arms in person.

How excited are we? Hell, we’re wondering if we’re even the same girl we used to be. That’s Swing Out Sister/Dusty Springfield excited.

Our four questions for the show:

1. What’s the best road trip destination you’ve been to in college football? We must vote for Notre Dame, simply because for a sun belt naif like ourselves, any game without a jumbotron is a novelty. We second Tennessee, if only because we got spit on by a woman. That’s punk enough for us to love it

2. What’s the road trip destination you want to take most? We want Morgantown at night. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fire booze WOOOOOO!!! Hopefully, with some cooperation from our accomplices, LSU will happen this October.

3. What’s your essential road gadget? Besides the flask? For an SEC fan, a swamp hat of some sort. Sometimes the sun is enough to scorch a few brain cells out of your head on contact, and if you believe Jim Delany, we need to hold on to every last one.

4. What’s your most impressive road performance? Going to Nepal for a month and NOT dying of the turboshits. This seems to be an accomplishment, according to those in the know.

See you tonight.

Again, you are not free. Free men do what they like any time they want and say anything they please. Free men do the weather on their local station with zero prep time if they please. Free men pass deep with 20 seconds left on the clock. Free men do radio interviews while going through restaurant drive-ins. Free men act and live like Mike Leach.

From Big 12 Media days, discussing Lubbock and the game day environment there:

“It’s very savage to play in Lubbock,” Leach said. “I would recommend that everybody try to avoid it. There have been scalpings and there have been some people that quite just haven’t returned.

“There are some people, unfortunately, based on the way the conference goes, that are going to have to come to our place. Sadly, I can’t guarantee their safety or that things will necessarily go the way that they like.”

You think he’s joking. Mike Leach never jokes, my friend: Texas Tech fans have already countered potential bad behavior with a preseason proposal to behave better at games, a manifesto concluding with an all-persuasive argument:

The differences we share both socially and economically are brought together by our love and passion for Texas Tech and our beloved Red Raiders.

We’re not trailer park trash, and it’s time to stop acting like we are.

Settle down, poor people! Love, university graduates of Texas Tech. We never knew of any great problems at Raider games, save several members of the band going hypoxic and passing out due to playing the fight song after scores in a five minute span. We do know that they can be very, very loud, even alone.

HT: Peter. Yes, we know this was up yesterday. But we needed that photoshop, dammit, courtesy of Brian at HRB.

We crossed the 5 million mark in visitors today. Much thanks to all. In honor of the event, of course: shitty photoshop.

Thanks to all for stopping by. We love every last single one of you.

This week’s big board update, courtesy of Brian as always. Addenda-many, many addenda-follow, along with apologies and arbitrary awarding and subtraction of points as always.

Six is a magic number. The DWI for Sergio Kindle of the Longhorns this week pushes Texas into a deadlock for the sixth spot on the big board, jamming four teams into a tie. This is when champions make plays, people. Someone’s got to step up. Sergio certainly did to the tune of two more points for the Longhorns.

If this were the Tour de France, there’d be a special jersey for Georgia as “King of Misdemeanor Traffic Violations.” We imagine it would be alternating yellow and black stripes with a universal “NO” sign in the middle. In addition, their helmet would have a flashing gumball light attached to the top of their helmet.

No, seriously. Sedan chairs.

This week’s edition of Clarke County Compliance Capers introduces a dangerous element for an already traffic-cursed team: mopeds. NaDerris Rakeem Ward was arrested (!) for passing vehicles on the right on a two-lane road in Athens. In addition to proving that Clarke County’s people of substance maintain a huge police department as a source of lucrative jobs to parlay out to cronies (and thus overstaff, leading to, well, arresting and cuffing college kids on scooters,) it reinforces our insistence that UGA players just take sedan chairs borne by their fellow students everywhere. It’ll be several arrest-free weeks before the Athens police department works up some bullshit charge to arrest them for, mark our words.

(Mark Richt, our offer to serve as the license and insurance compliance officer for UGA stands. No ulterior motives, we swear.)

Arkansas State fell from the big board after all charges in a roller-rink fracas were dismissed. Yet with the tenacity of a one-armed freestyle swimmer, they continue to pull themselves back into the race, this time with a theft charge for wide receiver Patrick Higgins, who gets two points back for stealing a woman’s purse at a nightclub, a charge which would be three but for the judge only charging Higgins with misdemeanor theft.

Colorado State gets two points for a Ronnie Wilson-lite episode featuring Devin McWilliams greeting police investigating a complaint about a house party with a party favor he probably now regrets showing off in public: a pellet gun. Charges for “disorderly conduct as well as the prohibited use of a firearm” get Colorado State on the board for three points. Ronnie Wilson, by the way, thinks you’re a total pussy for only carrying a pellet gun, Devin.

We’re sure we’ve missed someone along the way, so include any and all corrections below. It’s your orgy. We’re just the towel-boy here.

This is…this is just fucktarded. Just Darwin award dumb. Like, Oscar Davenport Wonderlic dumb. The kind of dumb that you’re afraid to even shake hands with, lest it prove contagious.

From David Jones at PennLive.

And former Big 12 commissioner Kevin Weiberg’s recent move to the Big Ten Network only adds to the intrigue. He knows about Texas’ TV clout better than anyone.

Texas in the Big 10! It’s a done deal! How this happened earlier we’ll never know, with only geography, history, demographics, and other “facts” getting in the way of this arrangement. But wait! There’s more ether left in the can. (HHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFF.)

And if not Texas, stay south. Florida? It’s by no means out of the realistic realm. More snowbirds are from the Midwest than any other area. Think UF wouldn’t move? Think again.

First off, snowbirds are from New York. Long Island South takes great offense at this. Play “Piano Man” in an oldish bar in Tampa and watch the wrinkled, sunburnt elbows sway in drunken unison. There’s plenty of midwesterners, sure, but they’re in Orlando, fearful of that “water” shit surrounding the coasts.

Second, Florida would leave the SEC, but only if coached by Sasquatch. He’s an Oregon grad, though, and likely to wander West for his dream job in a few years, and therefore not a good investment. However! If the Gnomes of Zurich collaborate with the Cult of Cthulu and place enough leverage on the Masons, then just maybe fellow Druid cult leader Jim Delany could wedge fellow sacrifice cult leader Jeremy Foley into it. Let’s just hope the Elders of Zion don’t object!

We could do this all day, really. Rutgers to join League of Nations! USC to leave Pac-10 for the Bundesliga! Michigan to join DEI Racing! Don’t think it’ll happen? (Where’s my bullshit rhetorical device of the day…ah, there it is.) THINK AGAIN!!!

If this column were any dumber, we’d have to keep it inside during rainstorms to keep it from drowning as it looked up. (HT: Brian.)

For today, we remind you that carrying a farting, 30 pound piece of metal around a field while wearing a dorky wool/poly blend uniform does have its benefits.