The sheets aren’t even cold and already media outlets from coast to coast are scrambling to concoct cringe-inducing single-entendre Beaver-Trojan headlines for your perusal and nausea. In the immediate aftermath of tonight’s upset, we took the liberty of assembling every one we could find in a safe location, to be devoured or avoided as you see fit. Little humanitarian effort, from us to you, on the eve of what promises to be another weekend through the looking glass.

Jacquizz, where’s your protection?

Trojans Can’t Pull It Out

Hungry Beavers Suffocate Trojans

Trojans Can’t Get It Up For Big Night With Beavers

Sanchez Dirtied By Beaver Attack

Trojans Can’t Come From Behind, Fall Short

22 Trojans, No Protection

USC to Sleep in Wet Spot

Faced With Angry Beavers, Trojans Flaccid

Trojans Penetrate into Soft Waiting Flesh of Beavers, Fall Asleep Inside

Beavers Poke Surreptitious Hole In Trojans, Snatch Victory

Ejaculate Football Sodomy Metaphor Cockslap Lagos Hookerface

Something’s Fishy In Corvallis

Mark Sanchez is a Vag

We’re sure you can take it from there, unlike USC’s receivers. Sleep tight!