So, yes, a Florida undergraduate posed on the cover of Playboy because, in her own words:
“There weren’t any girls from the Big Ten who were hot enough to be on the cover, so they had to pull someone from the SEC,” she quipped.
ZOWIE! It takes a special kind of person to be on the cover of Playboy: you have to be willing to be naked, airbrushed to within an inch of your life, stripped of all your personal hair through various heinous methods, and must have undergone a procedure to insert plastic bags of saline into your chest. (Gullible. Apes.)
You said titties? Please, go on.
Obviously, we have two points totally unrelated to the obvious “school poontangery supremacy” argument, one we find noxious for many, many tiresome reasons. (more…)
This week’s injury reports compiles the most significant injuries impacting games this weekend from our corps of top-flight sources and wire reports.
Notre Dame: QB Jimmy Clausen, split ends. Game-time decision.
Ohio State: Beanie Wells, Foot. He will play, but will wear a protective chinstrap beard as a precaution.
Better safe than sorry: strap it on, Beanie.
South Florida: Jim Leavitt, fractured vocal cords. Day-to-day.
Oklahoma: No injuries. Assholes.
Maryland: QB Chris Turner, severe stroke. Expected to play with no visible effects against Cal.
Missouri: QB Chase Daniel, gout, lumbago, and arthritis. Expected to play.
Syracuse: Syracuse. Out four months at least.
Tennessee: RB Arian Foster: Seventh Day Adventist, out indefinitely. Jonathan Crompton: evolution. Expected to play.
West Virginia: 3rd degree burns to dignity. Expected to play.
Virginia Tech: FB Devin Perez, food poisoning. No, really: food poisoning. It takes serious, doo-doo meat gut-rot to keep you out this long, like the kind you get by mistakenly ordering Wendy’s new U-238 Burger: guaranteed to give you Das Boot.
There’s plenty of “likely” here, but judging from the wayward winds of the internet, the Arkansas-Texas game in Austin this weekend will be postponed to September 27th due to Hurricane Ike bearing down on the Texas coast with intentions of making it his Tina and force-feeding her his delicious cake in public. The concerns are obvious: lots of people traveling in what may be termed “inclement” weather decisions, a general (and intelligent) wariness surrounding hurricanes and public policy after Katrina, and the decision that-gasp!-it’s just a football game in the grand scheme of things.
The decision is made even easier by the common open date for both teams and the fact that the television schedule is equally flexible: there’s no real immovable objects on the docket for ESPN/ABC/International Tetrahedron, so if they want to pick up the game they can with ease.
It’s not announced, but it’s all but done, decision-wise. In the meantime: HURRICANE PARTY, BIG 12 COWBOY STYLE!
YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAWWWWWWWWW!!!! You know, since Mack Brown understands that he is in show business:
“We try to get kids excited about playing, and we’re in show business,” Brown said.
A clarification, Mack: that would be “show business with concussions.”
Hey, Knowshon Moreno likes legos. He also has an infectious laugh, likes Patty Mayonnaise from the cartoon series Doug, and introduces himself as a wide receiver. These are all positives, btw, as is the fact that he jokes about liking Korn and Limp Biskit (we think/hope he’s joking.)
No mention of any lingering resentment towards ESPN’s shameless anti-Dawg conspiracy in not showing him vaulting a Central Michigan DB in the second half of a yawning blowout for two, possibly three more critical yards on a play broadcast on tiny CSS. It’s classy on Knowshon’s part not to hold grudges, since it’s all part of a vast, all-encompassing plot AGINST MAH DAWGS and against the ESS-EEE-SEE by THEM YANKEEZ IN BREESTUHL.
Lou, you tried. They gave you nothing, but you tried. You were stuck out there with a few props, a whistle, and a Starter cap, and you made magic happen. Now they’ve put you in a suit, forced you to commit a felony by impersonating a doctor, and robbed you of your opportunity to look your team-that team, by the way, being AMERICA-and pump us up for the hard week ahead.
Oh, you might have thought you were just talking about Notre Dame, or Nebraska, or whatever doomed team you were trying to hype into believing they could beat a far superior team. But in reality, Lou, we were all taking a knee and drinking it in like wide-eyed freshmen. Like them, for one fateful instant, we believed.
Now you’re Dr. Lou…which forces us to sing songs of lament and instant nostalgia.
God forbid you take a second off that spreadsheet, but if your boss is a Mark May-scale dick and won’t let you take two minutes to watch a fine internet production, listen or download below. Boston Market has a great dinner special for $6.99.
Your forecast for the day: surreal. Yeah. Catlab. Ohio State versus USC. Just back away and make sure there aren’t any sharp objects around, okay?
We’ll call that a pick for USC to cover in a landslide, metaphorically speaking. The L.A. Times goes fretting nelly with the USC offense, who believe Ohio State’s defense will bring significant pressure on Mark Sanchez, who keeps the surrealist theme of day alive by suggesting that Virginia’s defense allowed for medium-well offensive prowess all day long in their opener:
“It was like we were grilling steaks back there,” Sanchez said.
Leading Pat Ruel to say this:
“I’m not buying those steaks right now,” Ruel joked. “It’s got to be something you can microwave.”
Thus, the theme for Saturday: the Microwave Offense meets the Hot Pocket defense.
The Subcomandante denies all association. But the Overlord and Chief Mage of the Republic of Uzbuckistan totally did this:
About 20 minutes into a call with Carroll, someone who indentified himself as associated with a fake website asked Carroll in a garbled, if almost drunken, voice whether he rewarded his players by setting up dates with various Hollywood starlets.
After asking several times for the imposter to clarify his question, Carroll, remarkably, answered it, explaining that matchmaking is not in his job description.
At this point, with the conference moderator apparently asleep at the switch, the imposter asked a follow-up related to a brand-name product that shares a name with the Trojans.
Carroll then decided he had better things to do and exited the call, but not before uttering something about Ohio State’s role in the call, like “Good job, Ohio State.”
We would like to state for the record that this person, whoever they may be, is welcome to call EDSBS drunkenly anytime. The best image is imagining this person, whoever they are, hanging up the phone, giggling, and then resuming their dead-eyed staring match with the television in a darkened house in a lonely corner of Ohio. Ha! Ha. Crickets. Misery.
You could try handing it off to him, you know. Emmanuel Moody remains on the bench at Florida despite the Gators’ continued lack of a running back and some baffling personnel decisions by the Florida offensive coaching staff in the game. For instance, if Randy Shannon really wants to accuse Florida of running up the score, please see the red zone carry for Kestahn Moore late in the game. That’s practically trying to give you the ball back, Coach Shannon! He really couldn’t have done much more than that.
The Gators’ could try the novel thing and give Moody the ball. That seems to work in other places. Urban Meyer has vowed he will get more involved, and we will believe that when FREAKIN’ KESTAHN MOORE ISN’T TAKING SNAPS IN THE FREAKIN’ REDZONE WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT DAN MULLEN.
Tommy Beecher: tanned, rested, ready. Stephen Garcia, according to Steve Spurrier, is still not ready to start. Tommy Beecher, though, is ready leap in there and get going whenever, coach, and stick balls into quadruple coverage with dignity and poise.
UNT/LSU, to be played on the back of a semi roaring up I-55. No one’s sure where UNT/LSU will be played on Saturday thanks to hurricane damage at Tiger Stadium. The Independence Bowl is ready when you are, baby.
ORSON SWINDLE FAQs Got leisure time? Care to waste it? Learn more about Orson Swindle here.
AT THE SPORTING NEWS
Profanity-free writing under a strange name.
EDSBS Store
Live it. Love it. Wear it until it's ripped from your body by envious hordes of tailgaters.
Locker Room
About us
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Contact
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
