St. Petersburg has a new bowl game, and we have one number for you, people: $350,000. Yes, all it takes to turn the as-yet-unnamed St. Pete Bowl into the EDSBS Bowl is a measly $350,000 in any currency. Imagine the splendor:

Flyby done by: A low-flying dirigible. Extra spice will be added when hundreds of turkeys are pushed from the blimp onto the stands.

Alternative flyby: Fat bikers in hang gliders holding sparklers. Did we mention they were naked and drunk, too?

Sponsors would include: Zybrowka Vodka, RoboTussin PM (for nightlife!), Cocaine Cowboys, the official bloodcokeumentary of EDSBS, Mercenaries 2, Burning Angel, and Chik-Fil-A. Goddamn, Chik-Fil-A is good. (Get it? Get it?)

Game announcers: Play-by-play: Ron Franklin, but only if we get to shoot him up with ketamine first. Color commentary: CNN commentator Richard Quest, fresh out of rehab with the volume turned up. Sideline reporter: Stephen Hawking.

Halftime entertainment: Tampa Bay’s own Morbid Angel.

For children, an alternate show will be provided outside with the Veggie Tales and special guest Deicide.

Goodie bag will include: one can of Busch Light, one tube bronzer, one pair old man blast goggle sunglasses, a scoop of ropa vieja ladled on top of everything.

All for just $350K, reader. If wishes were horses, people, we’d be running our own glue factory at this point. Let’s make this horse a winner. If everyone who reads this blog just sends in one dollar, we’ll have enough to make me only ask for a dollar TEN TIMES EACH. If Paultards can raise eight zillion dollars and get their own blimp, we can make this dream a horrifying, weeping reality.

(Actually, the Ron Paul Bowl would be uproariously funny, especially because the field wouldn’t have lines.)