Messrs. Swindle and Bean return to the internet airwaves tonight at 9 PM Eastern (ish) for to shred your preseason polls into delicious taco filling, along with indeterminate quantities of ill-advised Steely Dan interludes and poorly placed sound effects.

Crave your weekly fix of foobawtalk like this cat trying to drink from a faucet it can’t turn on. But with less lapping.

Join us, won’t you?

Courtesy of Dave:

Mel Brooks…

…and Lee Corso:

(more…)

We thought they only cared about football. Vanderbilt is investing $50 million in new facilities over the offseason, presumably looking up from their morning FT, stretching their polo-toned legs ahead of themselves, and signing an enormous checkbook held on a silver platter by a white-gloved man with a charmingly English name like Nigel or Beersworthy.

The fundraising is not a surprise: they’re smart people, Bobby Johnson’s had the longest sustained period of relative success in recent program history (you’re still 1911’s bitch, Bobby!) and they want to strike a competitive balance between academics and competition, blah blah blah. Good for them. The funny part comes from the Orlando Sentinel’s blog post on the story:

Because, after all, having the best hospital in Tennessee in more important to Vandy than having the best football team in the state.

You sick, sick bastards, you. Call us when you get your priorities in line, Vanderbilt. Sick people don’t win football games. Champions do.

Wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU! (Applause stops.) Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Hillary Clinton.com. Thank you.

What a pleasure it is to be addressing college football fan supporters. It’s a real pleasure to talk sports and not politics with hard-working and hard-playing white sports fans like you. Contrary to what some people may be saying, college-educated voters white have been voting for me in states across this union. People just like you in states like West Virginia and Kentucky! Thank you so much for your support.

Loves the way you decide things, college football fans.

I’d also like to thank Orson for giving me a chance to talk here. Here’s hoping he enjoys that ambassadorship to Congo-Brazzaville! I promised him Trinidad, but his attention span’s short. Enjoy the weekly coups and astonishing HIV rates! Just kidding! And I’m not.

But I’m not here to talk shop. I want to commend you on the way you, college football fans, settle your champions. Rather than having a playoff-which doesn’t let the voice of the people determine a winner-you let the people vote. I do believe our friends from Florida should have a voice, especially those in the panhandle white who have given me so much support.

I want to continue this dialogue, and hold the big drug companies and the oil companies accountable. I’m a fighter! I’ll gouge your eyes out with a melon baller to represent the people! You want a fighter! A maimer! An accountless thug who’ll beat your enemies and anyone else you point at with a sock full of washers! Or strangle an intern to death in the dimly lit parking lot of a Food Lion in Fayetteville, Arkansas in 1985! For calling her ankles fat in the break from! I fight! ROOOOAARRRGH!!!!

(Scattered applause.)

But I disagree with T.K. Wetherell, a good friend and president of Florida State University, when he says a playoff is inevitable. Nothing is inevitable! Nothing’s been decided yet. You have to let the white people vote. Let the white people vote.

FREE GAS! FREE GAS! I WILL GIVE YOU FREE GAS! A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN IN EVERY POT!

(Louder applause. A lone spectator yells out “FREE BIIIIIIIRD!”)

And that’s why the current system is so beautiful. You just play, and then the people debate. Then, you play bowl games, and everyone then has to kind of just sit around and debate who won. Now, that’s fun! That’s the way to determine a winner: stand back, evaluate their strengths, and then calmly and objectively evaluate who is best and ready on day one to be the national champion.

MUSLIM FRIED CHICKEN TERRORIST! DURK ER DOO! I SHOT SERBIANS WITH MY OWN HANDS AND THEN DRANK THEIR BLOOD! VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA AND HE IS BLACK AND MUSLIM!

It’s a lovely way to decide your season. Let’s hope the American people follow your white suit and put me over the top today on election day! Thank you for your white support! I want to continue this white dialogue!

(Moderate applause. Same guy: “THIS IS OUUUUUUUUR COUNTRAAAY!!!!”)

I will fight for you! I will be your national champion! I will disfigure, disembowel, burn the face off of, and destroy anyone you find threatening, white America! I WILL USE FORBIDDEN KILLING TECHNIQUES TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF! FIGHT FIGHT GRRR MAIM TASTY FACECAKES OF ENEMY FLESH KILL VOTE WIN!

(Loud applause. Campaign plant yells “REMEMBER NUMBER THREE!!!”)

God bless you, and God Bless America,

HillaryClinton.com

ps. Free. Gas. The oil companies. White.

Not always true.

University of Arizona defensive end Jonathan Turner has been indicted in connection with an alleged sexual assault that took place last month. (My, that’s a tortured sentence. Viva legalese!) Turner was the projected starter for Arizona, and it’s all very sad and unfortunate that the Wildcats will be inconvenienced by his absence.

However, we think any discussion of “cuddling” should be narrowly defined for the benefit of all parties in all cases of close bodily contact. Cuddling is a voluntary activity, and should involve two fully awake partners who agree to any and all cuddling in advance. At no point should a participant in the cuddling “trip out” for any reason. Finally, cuddling also should not involve soiling couches.

“Mr. Turner followed her into the bedroom and stated nothing had happened,” the search-warrant affidavit said. “He described (the victim) as ‘tripping out.’ He continued to state he was just ‘cuddling’ with (the victim).” The victim was taken to St. Mary’s Hospital by her friends, and sheriff’s adult-sex-crimes detectives investigated. DNA evidence was obtained, along with two quilts and seat cushions from the couch, the search warrant shows.

This reminder of why sleeping on college students’ couches is inadvisable is brought to you by the President’s Council For Hygiene, who reminds you that if you had a black light, you wouldn’t really be able to sleep anywhere at all, and probably really shouldn’t for your own good.

Oh, and give Arizona three points for felony sexual assault, and one additional bonus point for the unsavory details involving a couch and “fluids” for a total of four points in the Fulmer Cup. We’re going to wash our hands right now.