EDSBS has recruited a recruit of its own: John Birdwell, a 26 year old Australian Rules Footballer being recruited by USC, Miami, Boston College, Arizona State, and Tennessee. He’ll be posting here regularly throughout this process.

G’day! We don’t all really say that in Australia, but I thought I’d make your comfortable since you’re dealing with a foreigner, and from what I’ve seen lately, yer not so big on that here in the States. But good on ya fer that! In Australia, we’re too soft on ‘em reffos: puttin’ ‘em out in the desert. Should just chuck ‘em right back in the ocean where they came from and let the poisonous octopi have the kind of go at ‘em like Steve Irwin got from that shark with the poisonous donger.

Speaking of just that: I’m here on my recruiting trip for a spot on a college football team. Now, you might be asking what old Johnny “Twelve Pot” Birdwell’s doing here looking for a shot in your sissy game you blokes play with the nancy-boy pads. There’s reasons. First, I’m looking for a new challenge at this point in me career: what with aerial pingpong not yielding the same jollies for me that it used to-and the unfortunate loss of my left testicle in a match last October to the hands of Ed “The Jubble-Thief” Simons-I thought it was time for a change of both scenery and vocation.


John: getting into the less physical game of American football.

Also, the legal struggles over the dissolution of my second marriage and the alleged assault charges filed by seven patrons of Scaley’s Pub in Brisbane have distracted me to the point where I can no longer function effectively as the ball-hawking tackling machine my fans have come to know and love. Bitch, look for my money in Switzerland, where little elves with watches eating chocolate where, London to a brick, they will tell you to suck on my one good nut for the dollars Aussie you don’t deserve. (And really, Scaley’s: like one man could do all that damage? Bars burn down in ten minutes all the time. Good luck getting the barrister to believe that!)

But I’m gonna focus on the sunny things. You know, your country is different! First, the music here’s just ripper. It’s about all the good things in life: women, struggle, and firearms. I’m so excited that you have guns here. They’re all over the place! Just everywhere. One of the coaches told me he’d make sure I got one as soon as it was legal, but brawny mate like me’s getting a piece sooner than that. I heard you can buy them at Wal-Marts! Unbelievable!

Second, and though everyone’s been really nice…YOU NEED TO STOP LAUGHING AT MY TOGS, MATE. I can’t help it if you aren’t comfortable with your masculinity, but in Australia certain things are just easier, like being a man or driving for hundreds of miles without hitting anything. That’s me and my mate Dennis last year, and you’ll never see two bigger root-hogs on the loose. I mean, just look at us:

See? They’re comfortable and they let the ladies know who’s got the mizzenmast for the job, right? SO STOP LAUGHING BEFORE I MAKE YOU STOP, YOU BLOODY ALFS!!!

Third: I’ve just landed, but I know one thing I can hopefully teach you about this country: how to properly smoke PCP. There’s a right way to do things and a wrong way, and last night I saw for a fact that none of you blokes know how to handle the Illy. I mean, it’s easy to find-I just walked a few blocks away from the USC campus, did some gentile inquiry, and whammo here I am with the goods, right? I know my fellas here on the recruiting trip are a bit younger, but jeez, I didn’t think [recruit’s name redacted for legal reasons] would react like this:

So that’s day one. I’m knackered, and looking for a bit of sleep. Talk to you tomorrow!

ps. There’s only a five percent chance of him staying like that, the docs say. Then Johnny’s gonna teach him the Aussie way to smoke PCP. All for my mates, really.

Tomorrow: John Birdwell will be visiting the campus of USC and attempting to purchase a gun on the street. Stay tuned!