MUSTACHE WEDNESDAY
Our Mustache of the Day comes from the random internet pull, but it’s a damn fine random internet pull:
Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!
January 16, 2026
CAST YOUR VOTE FOR AUBURN’S NEW DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
Power to the people! Or at least the illusory rub of getting to cast a vote, as Auburn fans can do for their new defensive coordinator over at the Gold Mine at the Birmingham News. Leading vote-getters thus far:
Dave Campo / Jax Jaguars /10
Vic Koennning / Clemson /7
Ron Meeks / Indy Colts /6
Reggie Herring / Texas A&M /5
Also, the following non-football nominees have received votes: Nick Saban, Bob Stoops, Kevin Steele, Major Applewhite, Charles Barkley and James Carville. We’re throwing our weight behind a Barkley/Carville combo for press conferences and the inevitable tossing of Saban through a huge glass window, since that’s Charles’ signature finishing move, and because Carville would take Auburn to the Rose Bowl somehow just to turn down the bid-since he hates, hates, hates the Rose Bowl.
For the record, the Opelika police dog that bit an Auburn player has garnered four votes. Communication might be a problem, but if Joe Kines can communicate defensive strategy successfully in the SEC, anyone can.
RECRUITING DIARY: JOHN BIRDWELL, DAY ONE
EDSBS has recruited a recruit of its own: John Birdwell, a 26 year old Australian Rules Footballer being recruited by USC, Miami, Boston College, Arizona State, and Tennessee. He’ll be posting here regularly throughout this process.
G’day! We don’t all really say that in Australia, but I thought I’d make your comfortable since you’re dealing with a foreigner, and from what I’ve seen lately, yer not so big on that here in the States. But good on ya fer that! In Australia, we’re too soft on ‘em reffos: puttin’ ‘em out in the desert. Should just chuck ‘em right back in the ocean where they came from and let the poisonous octopi have the kind of go at ‘em like Steve Irwin got from that shark with the poisonous donger.
Speaking of just that: I’m here on my recruiting trip for a spot on a college football team. Now, you might be asking what old Johnny “Twelve Pot” Birdwell’s doing here looking for a shot in your sissy game you blokes play with the nancy-boy pads. There’s reasons. First, I’m looking for a new challenge at this point in me career: what with aerial pingpong not yielding the same jollies for me that it used to-and the unfortunate loss of my left testicle in a match last October to the hands of Ed “The Jubble-Thief” Simons-I thought it was time for a change of both scenery and vocation.
John: getting into the less physical game of American football.
Also, the legal struggles over the dissolution of my second marriage and the alleged assault charges filed by seven patrons of Scaley’s Pub in Brisbane have distracted me to the point where I can no longer function effectively as the ball-hawking tackling machine my fans have come to know and love. Bitch, look for my money in Switzerland, where little elves with watches eating chocolate where, London to a brick, they will tell you to suck on my one good nut for the dollars Aussie you don’t deserve. (And really, Scaley’s: like one man could do all that damage? Bars burn down in ten minutes all the time. Good luck getting the barrister to believe that!)
But I’m gonna focus on the sunny things. You know, your country is different! First, the music here’s just ripper. It’s about all the good things in life: women, struggle, and firearms. I’m so excited that you have guns here. They’re all over the place! Just everywhere. One of the coaches told me he’d make sure I got one as soon as it was legal, but brawny mate like me’s getting a piece sooner than that. I heard you can buy them at Wal-Marts! Unbelievable!
Second, and though everyone’s been really nice…YOU NEED TO STOP LAUGHING AT MY TOGS, MATE. I can’t help it if you aren’t comfortable with your masculinity, but in Australia certain things are just easier, like being a man or driving for hundreds of miles without hitting anything. That’s me and my mate Dennis last year, and you’ll never see two bigger root-hogs on the loose. I mean, just look at us:
See? They’re comfortable and they let the ladies know who’s got the mizzenmast for the job, right? SO STOP LAUGHING BEFORE I MAKE YOU STOP, YOU BLOODY ALFS!!!
Third: I’ve just landed, but I know one thing I can hopefully teach you about this country: how to properly smoke PCP. There’s a right way to do things and a wrong way, and last night I saw for a fact that none of you blokes know how to handle the Illy. I mean, it’s easy to find-I just walked a few blocks away from the USC campus, did some gentile inquiry, and whammo here I am with the goods, right? I know my fellas here on the recruiting trip are a bit younger, but jeez, I didn’t think [recruit's name redacted for legal reasons] would react like this:
So that’s day one. I’m knackered, and looking for a bit of sleep. Talk to you tomorrow!
ps. There’s only a five percent chance of him staying like that, the docs say. Then Johnny’s gonna teach him the Aussie way to smoke PCP. All for my mates, really.
Tomorrow: John Birdwell will be visiting the campus of USC and attempting to purchase a gun on the street. Stay tuned!
CU BUFF APOLOGIZES FOR THUGGISH RUGGISH STYLE
Kids! It’s Chip, here to teach you the invaluable lessons of the street.
When we think gangsta, we think Colorado, baby. Mountains! White people! A dry cold! Nothin’ more pimpin’ than that son. Hand me down mah fitted whilst we cruise to Breckinridge, bitches. We running snow to the slopes, if you know what we mean.
Remember, no one has the manual for life, since as another, far superior writer once suggested, it’s in the sac of tissue cut from the human body and discarded at birth commonly referred to as the “afterbirth.” So sometimes, when one is called on to appear at an NBA game in a guest appearance as the mascot from a popular local college team, one gets a bit tone-deaf in attempting to match the “urban contemporary” key of the NBA’s market image.
From the Denver News:
The University of Colorado’s costumed buffalo mascot showed up for a “kids night” at a Denver Nuggets basketball dressed in what some described as “gangsta-themed” attire, the Boulder Daily Camera reported.
The incident happened Friday night at the Pepsi Center when the “Chip” wore a do-rag, baggy pants, and a gang-associated tattoo.
Now, that’s not so bad. Come to think of it, if you consider on on a Sontag-ian “camp level,” it’s…
According to the Daily Camera, the mascot costume had a teardrop tattoo below one eye. The newspaper said the tattoo is commonly associated with gang activity, often signifying that the wearer has killed someone.
Oh, come on. That can’t be too offensive considering it’s a fucking buffalo, and totally has killed people. (As a species, we still have the lead on them by miles. Can’t fire a rifle with a cloven hoof yet? Tough. Tell it to Darwin.) The appearance of Chip in gangsta gear is part of a disturbing pattern of behavior by the mascot, who is youngish for a buffalo and trying to find herself, and consequently is hanging out with an undesirable crowd in an attempt to upset and shock her attendants.
See the crowd after the jump. It’s an ugly scene. (more…)
CURIOUS INDEX, 1/16/08
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Vere are dee paperzz?!?!?! Rich Rodriguez took papers from his office on leaving the job at West Virginia, and because they could be technically called property of the state of West Virginia, he could be accused tenuously of taking state property when he took files from his office the day after the press conference announcing him as the new coach at Michigan. Or you could view this as another straw grabbed in an increasingly vindictive little bitchfight between West Virginia, who’s clearly not being the tasteful dumpee here. They’ve already made an ill-advised hookup here by sleeping with one of his friends and then deciding to shack up with him after one-count ‘em, that’s one-great night. And now they’re drunk on Pinot Grigio and calling complaining about how you still have one of their CDs and that book Eat, Pray, Love, which just proves that you were never straight all along. It just ended up in your gym bag. You don’t take prescription pills late and night and read it until you cry and fall asleep. Nope. West Virginia: work with us now. Don’t be a Bernadine in this situation. Why’s offensive coordinator Major Applewhite leaving Alabama? Because he wasn’t really in control-Alabama offensive line coach Joe Pendry was, according to Kirk Bohls and every Alabama and Texas contact we’ve talked to in the past couple of days. Norm Chow, out at the Titans, could be back in the Pac-10 at UCLA, something we would love, love, love, especially because Bruins Nation spent a good two weeks railing about what a crap coach he was despite twirling the knobs on the controls of some of the most mind-melting offenses in college football history. Screeding is fundamental! Bobby Reid of Oklahoma State could return for his senior season, but not with the Cowboys. Reid, the wellspring of Mike Gundy’s “I’M A MAN I’M 40!” rant, seemed poised for stardom after a superb 2006 season, but then fell off the map and only attempted 14 passes in the Cowboys’ last eleven games before leaving the team briefly, returning, and then declaring for the draft. Reid could play at D-1AA with a waiver next season, or stick with his intentions to go into the draft. (See? Even Rivals isn’t using the new terminology. And they’re square, daddy.) From the same article… Allen Patrick got a hold of a ton of Oklahoma stickers and gave his helmet a look Oklahoma should consider for one game. Like, say, if they played Ocean Pacific University at Ron Jon Surf Shop Stadium.
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