Oh, you latte-swilling blue-staters. Laugh if you will, but you don’t own a company with enough coin to sponsor a bowl game, do you, you iPhone-twirling fuckwit. Your internet start-up, your sex-toys-for-pets company, your lame diner specializing in Albanian burritos. It all sucks compared to Roady’s, because none of them sponsor a bowl game, much less a bowl game on blue turf, even if they’re a chain of truck stops with the Q rating of a livestock feed brand.

Truckers need the basics, too. They’re the lonesome cowpokes of the black earth-ribbon hustling your flatscreen tvs and O’Jumbos Workout Bars for Slightly Paunchy Active Types all over this great nation of ours, and what do they get in return? Slightly discounted methamphetamine, lame audioporn on tape, and the occasional handjob from a truckstop hooker…or precisely the HR benefits of an Idaho Vandals assistant coach, in other words.

Truckers also face dangers you would stain your pants over: inclement weather, traffic hazards, and the supernatural, as documented below.

Red Sovine was not lying, people. Mock the Roady’s Humanitarian bowl if you must, but between Large Marge and the spectre of Phantom 309, the ghostly roadways of our nation need safe havens full of coffee, reasonably priced gasoline, and high-grade audioporn for our hard-working truckers more than ever. If only just to keep your precious Trader Joe’s stocked with the tasty slow death of their frozen eggrolls, yuppie scum.