HERO FOR OUR TIME: MARQUES ‘GRAND MARQUES’ SLOCUM
We really wouldn’t want to hang out with most football players. As a fan, we’re necessarily put in the tension-filled position of being passionate about a sport whose participants would, on the whole, rather chew their own leg off than hang out with our ilk. (”Hey, wanna come over and watch the DVD of Big Love! It’s the one where Marge finally gets that job she’s been angling for! I’m sooooo happy for her!”)
Sprint/Nextel bitches.
Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.
Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.
(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)
What is your favorite song of all time?
Just another n***a- state property II
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
Fuck lion say what!
i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
When do you plan on getting married?
it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life
Get the number or give the number?
i would have 2 say bof
Romance or Kinky Sex?
it dont matta however i can get it
How do you feel?
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person… lol….not really dont be dat person
What size shoe do you wear?
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
Would you rather be hot or cold?
fuckin warm fuck dat hot shit and dat cold shit Id rather it be in da middle
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
What is your favorite clothing brand?
state property, im on my philly shit im on my jawn… lol
Most Memorable Past?
shit i couldnt tell u cuz i dont know
If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
96 impala ss
Your favorite Disney Films?
fuck disney
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
Do you support Paris?
why should i
Where is Waldo?
Waldo: eaten by fuck lion, presumably.
i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
What was your last thought?
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?
i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
i want sum milk and cookies
Favorite fruit?
watermelon
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?
dam mafucka u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
Would you rather be blind or deaf?
deaf btu dam neither
Define yourself in 3 words…
im da shit
Do you eat cold cereal at night?
what da fuck is cold cereal
What is your favorite TV show?
the wire
Kill the spider or let it out?
man! fuck dat spider
Do you shower every single day?
shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday dis summer its 2 hot not 2
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
shit ima be askin him 4 sum change
Boat or bus?
bus bitch! i cant swim
Where do you want to travel next?
da future
Fuck Bubbles.
What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka
What is your favorite food?
I like 2 licky licky licky licky… lol
Do you read harry potter books?
who da fuck is dat!
If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated
Have you had a beer in the last week?
shit I downed a forty last night in 2min. and 37sec. yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!
Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Bof of dem shits is nasty but i fuck wit gatorade
Favorite body part?
my whole fuckin body
Flip flops or sandles?
come on now! what type of question is dat?
What do you do on fridays?
whatever da fuck i feel like doin
Do you like bananas?
do u
184 Replies »
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Pages: « 19 … 15 14 13 12 11 [10] 9 8 7 6 5 … 1 » Show All
100
I read this for the first time in a restless-but-half-asleep mode last night. Reading it in a restless-but-half-asleep mode at work after only 3 hours sleep somehow makes it even better. Bra-fucking-vo, Marques. Get this man a siren, stat.
Comment by Beatuofa — August 23, 2025 @ 8:11 am
99
# 52
Jack, it is never too soon to drop a rape stand joke. I honestly think I dropped it five times the day I knew MV had one at his house.
Comment by Odell 51 — August 23, 2025 @ 8:08 am
98
Someday I will have a t-shirt that reads “My f*ck lion takes bird baths at your girlfriend’s house.” Print that in school colors and you’ve got something.
Comment by B-Man — August 23, 2025 @ 8:07 am
97
#95
fuck lion, I believe, is a reference to one’s genitals, with the hair being the mane.
Comment by flion — August 23, 2025 @ 7:58 am
96
Marcus Slocum - a true “Michigan Man”
Now, what’s that people were saying about Michigan football players not quite measuring up to the Stanford standard?
Comment by DSJ — August 23, 2025 @ 7:33 am
95
Oh, and if you want to hit him up on AIM to clarify how you might be able to acquire your own fuck lion, his screen name is GRAND1MARQUES.
Comment by Mätt — August 23, 2025 @ 7:30 am
94
Holy shit, I can’t believe he actually accepted my friend request on Facebook. I can’t wait to keep an eye on his profile updates. According to his Facebook status… “Marques ‘Grand Marques’ Slocum
is fuckin mad right now cuz im fuckin hurt but its cool cuz ima be back real soon, ima grind through dis bitch! EARLY!”
Injury reports from Facebook! Wee!
Comment by Mätt — August 23, 2025 @ 7:29 am
93
So here’s what we know about the human body: It consists of two parts, one arm and one leg. The rest is a mystery. Fuck Lion is the greatest thing since the last greatest thing.
Comment by Biggus Rickus — August 23, 2025 @ 7:23 am
92
If I’m right, he went to Philly’s West Catholic. No wonder he’s dumb.
Comment by kmblue — August 23, 2025 @ 7:16 am
91
I can’t wait to yell “Fuck dat spider” everytime this pancakes someone. I can think of about 119 teams in 1A ball that would admit this guy.
Comment by Scalz1 — August 23, 2025 @ 7:16 am