If a paperclip can get you a year’s worth or rent or a 2 week gig on ABC as a weatherman, what can we parlay EDSBS into?????

Some things are assumed common knowledge that maybe shouldn’t be: the ability to fix basic household appliances, a knowledge of firearm safety, and the skills needed to successfully perform oral sex on a woman. In all these cases, failure to properly fess up and admit ignorance can be avoided for years; indeed, some people go to their grave without learning some things you’d assume were in the first ten pages of the human operating manual.

(Orson Welles, for instance, could only perform math using his fingers to count, which may have explained his losing track of the exact number of hot dogs he shoved down his gullet a day)

Another Orson who couldn’t count.

You could be exposed, of course, and suffer embarrassment of a degree unseen since the last time you walked in on your father putting the grunty hunker on your mom. There’s real danger here too, people: exploding appliances, bullet wounds you’ll have to make up elaborate, implausible stories around (”That? Oh, got that in Uganda when I was fighting the Lord’s Resistance Army. By myself. You need another drink?”) Not to mention unhappy wives, a force more dangerous than any assemblage of flaming appliances and haphazardly discharged firearms could ever be.

Point being? When you don’t know, ask-and despite what many assume, not every one who burns precious retinal tissue watching college football knows what they’re looking at. That’s ostensibly why they’ve got guys paid by the network who try to extract sense from the thousands of pounds of corn-fed manhood blitzing, sprinting, and pummeling each other between chalk-lines. People-bloggers included-toss around terms like the 4-3, spread option, zone coverage, and any other highly specific football term without ever pausing to explain, clarify, or wonder if everyone else is nodding along in the same manner as half the men in the world who watch other guys change tires or the oil in their car while thinking “No clue, man. No f’n clue.”

From time to time, then, we’ll provide the layest of layperson explanations for certain football tactics and theory. (more…)

Thanks to Deadspin’s religious coverage of Clinton Portis’ surreal press conferences, we’ve become convinced that if anyone represents the evolutionary endpoint of Miami football player development, it’s Clinton, the personification of the oddball playa good for sure quotes, shameless admission of recruiting trips spent in strip clubs, and sexual confessions of a strangely humble nature.

WJFK’s interview with Sherriff Gonna Getchya defies description, but just a few choice quotes from an interview focusing heavily on the wacky world of Da U and its moneyed, famous, and occasionally arrested denizens. (Click on the “Clinton Portis”link on the left.)

On Ken Dorsey’s sexual prowess:

Ken’s the man…he was breaking the soccer team down.

On Miami’s recruiting tactics:

I was in the strip club (in Miami), and they was like “Are you coming?” and I was like “yeaaaaahhhhhhh…”

HT: Chris Chase.

Clinton Portis, eccentric gentleman.

Bill Callahan—ahh, that rascal! Nebraska focuses on the run in their spring game, teasing smashmouth starved Husker fans with promises of a physical run game. Callahan vowed, however, to return to 54 passes a game in 2006. He didn’t do this in front of reporters, mind you, instead proclaiming this while flexing in front of the mirror in the lockerroom as his horrified team watched the spectacle.

Sometimes even Genius has to scream and flex in the mirror.