Tommy Tuberville loves him some Kroger-the perpetually dirty, poorly lit grocery store we in the SE have come to know and tolerate ’til other, better grocery stores move in. Specifically, Tuberville loved Kroger to the tune of a hundred grand a year, which is a lot of crappy frozen pizzas and Big K cola to take home in rural, cheap Auburn, Alabama.
Tommy’s not alone. Phil Fulmer used to do this hilarious commercial for Volunteer State Bank where he just walked around an empty field while he intoned Neyland’s commandments in a tacky voiceover. The effect was supposed to be monumental-like when James Earl Jones screams “NO!” in slow motion in Best of the Best, when Tommy is about to kill the guy who killed his brother-but didn’t quite work. The voice echoed just a little too much, like the guy on your local Clear Channel classic rock station or a tractor pull announcer. You know, the SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY voice (heretofore referred in this column as the “Tampa Bay Voiceover.”) Phil just waddled dejectedly off the frame at the end of what could have been a really subversive UT student’s video art project.
The best were Steve Spurrier’s, which were done with all of the enthusiasm of a death row inmate. When he said Bryan Hot Dogs were “the flavor of the
South,” it sounded like he meant slavery, malaria, and hot asphalt, not belles and bourbon.
(Can you name a more successful, more joyless man than Steve Spurrier? Besides David Letterman? Can’t you see both punching out their own reflections in the mirror in a drunken late-night haze? Just asking.)
The point being: help the crack editorial staff at EDSBS.com come up with a few more local coach commercials of infamous note. As a reward, we’ll give you all the mad credit that fifty visitors a day can give you.
We hear a lot about Notre Dame’s Ivy League status as an institute of higher learning. From personal experience, I think I was smarter than the only person I knew he went there. even though she could lift her leg over her head while standing, a talent that should not be overlooked at any age. This is especially true if you’re in high school, and you’re a guy looking at aforementioned flexible girl.
Yet this tidbit from Weis’ six a.m. meet-and-greet with obviously desperate, undersexed football fans makes us wonder about that whole “whoa, skool heer is so harrrdd” thing.
Weis spent 40 minutes telling students what he expects of them - cheer loud when the Irish play defense and tone it down when they play offense.
Sound smart to you? Let us know if they put corks on the tines of the forks in the student cafeteria, and maybe we’ll get ourselves a good conspiracy theory goin’ here. Someone call Dan Brown! The Pope had Willingham fired ’cause he knew too much about the secret underground labs at Notre Dame! Hrmmpphh…(sounds of struggle…)
Notre Dame fans: smart? And voluntarily living in Indiana? Or secretly part of a Vatican clone army? Hmm…
Panic on the streets of London…panic of the streets of Birmingham…it’s time to think about the Sun Belt, at least according to Pete Fiutak, who has one of our favorite names in the sportswriting world.
We also give you the link because we know how Pete’s day must have been. relaxing drive into work in light traffic, very little static from the old lady, a nice mellow piece of agreeable white music on the stereo (I’m betting Pete Fiutak is a Maroon 5 guy. That’s just my opinion.) Pete was thinking it would be a pretty good day, all in all.
Then he walked into his office, checked his email, and he found out he had to write a whole article on the Sun Belt conference. I imagine Pete’s latte went sour right there and then.
But hey, Pete suffers so that we all may learn. For example, did you know that the University of North Texas has a football team? Did you know their nickname is “Mean Green”? Did you know I hung 91 points on them once in a game of NCAA 2004 with the MTSU Blue Raiders? Did you know that I’m, yes again, still married to the woman who knows I spent 45 minutes doing this?
