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WHO WANTS TOMMY TUBERVILLE HAWKING THEIR WEENIES?

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Tommy Tuberville loves him some Kroger-the perpetually dirty, poorly lit grocery store we in the SE have come to know and tolerate 'til other, better grocery stores move in. Specifically, Tuberville loved Kroger to the tune of a hundred grand a year, which is a lot of crappy frozen pizzas and Big K cola to take home in rural, cheap Auburn, Alabama.

Tommy's not alone. Phil Fulmer used to do this hilarious commercial for Volunteer State Bank where he just walked around an empty field while he intoned Neyland's commandments in a tacky voiceover. The effect was supposed to be monumental-like when James Earl Jones screams "NO!" in slow motion in Best of the Best, when Tommy is about to kill the guy who killed his brother-but didn't quite work. The voice echoed just a little too much, like the guy on your local Clear Channel classic rock station or a tractor pull announcer. You know, the SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY voice (heretofore referred in this column as the "Tampa Bay Voiceover.") Phil just waddled dejectedly off the frame at the end of what could have been a really subversive UT student's video art project.

The best were Steve Spurrier's, which were done with all of the enthusiasm of a death row inmate. When he said Bryan Hot Dogs were "the flavor of the
South," it sounded like he meant slavery, malaria, and hot asphalt, not belles and bourbon.

(Can you name a more successful, more joyless man than Steve Spurrier? Besides David Letterman? Can't you see both punching out their own reflections in the mirror in a drunken late-night haze? Just asking.)

The point being: help the crack editorial staff at EDSBS.com come up with a few more local coach commercials of infamous note. As a reward, we'll give you all the mad credit that fifty visitors a day can give you.