There are no surprises when it comes to Colorado football and crime today, as the Buffaloes acquire a modest but colorful pair of points for two separate petty offenses involving weed and retro workout gear.

First, Gus Handler, offensive lineman, was arrested for stealing merchandise costing less than $50 in taking some headbands from the campus bookstore without paying. His rationale? He was late for a flight and didn't have time to pay it, a haste evidenced by the smooth criminal leaving his credit card behind at the scene. That's a point with no bonuses awarded for the purchase of retro-ironic hipster workout gear, though it is noted as being something way, way Colorado to do.

We have no file footage of the headbands, but it probably looked a lot like Luke Wilson's here, which he wore shortly before eating that falcon whole.

The second comes from an even less shocking department: weed. Freshman qb Clark Evans was smoking in his dorm room when campus police showed up and found him with over a gram of marijuana in his possession and "a blue-gray pipe" he used to smoke it, showing his freshman status by lacking a quality water pipe with an awesome ceramic sculpture at the bottom.

Two points total for Colorado in the Fulmer Cup, which is a meager total and something they clearly need to step up, as this is not intramurals and is in fact division one football.