(jazzed up instrumental version of John Fogerty's "Centerfield")

From Hollywood, the new head coach capital of the world - here come the NEWLYHEADS! And now let's meet our new head coaches for today's game:

Couple number 1: all the way from Lawrence Kansas, it's Charlie Weis and a recent Maryland transfer who finally understands the whole frying pan/fire metaphor!

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Thomas H. Huxley, the British biologist known as "Darwin's Bulldog," once said this: "To a person uninstructed in natural history, his country or seaside stroll is a walk through a gallery filled with wonderful works of art, nine-tenths of which have their faces turned to the wall." Then, being Darwin's bulldog, he bit the testicles off the Bishop of Oxford, cavorted playfully, and later died an opium fiend in a Singaporean house of leisure. These were better, more interesting times.

What we're saying is that bulldogs occupied 45% of all posts in English academia in 1870, and that learning makes experience infinitely richer. You do very little of it after you exit primary education, and the bit you do manage to do usually comes through hard, bitter experience. For instance, our own trajectory goes like this:

And after 22, it looks like this.

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WE WERE RUNNING YESTERDAY. And this song came on, and we imagined it was on tonight.

In under 100 days now, it will be. Now try getting anything done today.

GO AHEAD READ IT'S SAD AND AWESOME. Wright Thompson on Bear Bryant's driver. Did you know Bear had a copy of Portnoy's Complaint on the bookshelf? And that if Bear Bryant repeated the same obscene act that made the book famous, Alabama fans would happily devour the meat without cleaning off a drop of the great man's frogmen?

PLEASE WELCOME ZIGGY ANSAH. Bill C has BYU predictions for you, but we're still sort of hung up on a Ghanaian BYU player named "Ziggy."

THIS IS ESSENTIAL BECAUSE RINGO GLOVES THAT'S WHY. BHGP will be cheated out of a webby for this series, and that is just one of life's thousand hourly crimes.

NO, STREAMING THREE HOURS OF FOOTBALL IN YORU CUBICLE IS TOTALLY PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCING. Maybe you'd like the world's greatest time suck? Well, here you are. We may or may not be watching the entire Baylor/Washington game over again this morning, so just ignore the peals of laughter at the coverages for both teams. (Via Reddit/CFB.)

/PLAYS PHIL COLLINS' "DON'T LET HIM STEAL YOUR HEART AWAY" John Swofford may be entering a bad space right now, man. Clemson's BOT meets today to discuss expansion, and people are reportedly tailgating the meeting.

VARIOUS STRATEGIC THINGS YOUR TEAM WILL TRY AND PROBABLY SCREW UP. Abundant Cover 3 beaters your team will probably just screw up and remember when Florida had offense, and hope of scoring? We don't, and this just reminded us of this sad fact. Also via Chris, there's Gus Malzahn breaking down how to pick apart Alabama's defense. First you need a plan, and then you need a Cam Newton. If you lack a Cam Newton, please substitute a pistol in your mouth as a reasonable and respectable alternative.

ARIZONA HONORS, UM, COPPER OR SOMETHING. They look nice, but at this point Arizona can now legally wear every color and claim it as a legitimate part of their uniform.

ETC: Being a descendent of a Nazi! Not fun! Sadly, your childhood dreams are not possible. Only the finest threads for the EDSBS office crew. Pauly Shore really did make a CMT feature film called Whiskey Business. JESUS WHAT IS THAT ZIGGURAT ON YOUR HEAD CHILD?

Hi. We represent the Church of Latter Day Saints. Can we have a word with you about--no, ma'am,it's about football. And perhaps God, but really football.

See, some sailors might come by later. Real sailors from the Navy. They, like all of us, are God's children, but you see...they're dirty. Filthy. Icky. They would use hand sanitizer, but the alcohol in it gets them distracted. You can put signs on hand sanitizer saying it's not melted jello shot, but no one says they'll read it and not just drink it anyway.

Also, you just invited us in, possibly. So we should probably get to know each other. We'll get along fine. After all, we both love Temple! Ahahaha, get it? See, we're buddies already, Big East. (Even if we're not sure about this whole thing yet, really.)

The ACC can't really blame anyone else for this, since they were the ones who raided the Big East, caught a horrendous case of mediocrity, and then failed to win more than a single game in the current BCS arrangement before being thrown out of the power structure for being, well, themselves. The ACC is at heart a basketball conference, and we refuse to judge them for their personal choices, no matter how weird and aberrant to the natural order they may be, or how harshly they'll be judged by the Red God for arriving in the afterlife wearing squeaky shoes on the green, well-lined fescue of Valhalla.

(SPOILER: your punishment will be watching Boston College play Wake Forest forever. Oh, and you know that shit's in BC, not Wake.)

So suddenly unstable is the ACC that the Big 12 isn't even really hiding ACC members' overtures at this point.

According to Chris Level, who is the publisher of RedRaiderSports.com and a co-host of a radio show on 104.3 FM in Lubbock; he Tweeted that Del Conte said that the once dead Big 12 "now has schools like Florida State, Clemson and Miami trying to get in."

There is this tendency towards making this something someone constructed, something that some genius saw happening ahead of everyone else, countered, and then spun to their advantage. This scene in a movie probably happens in a long closeup of someone looking an object that unlocks the mystery for them, and is then followed by a hurried rush down a corridor to somewhere where the plan begins.

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PLANS ARE NICE.

Important: he never said a loss "on the football field." Who just burned your house down, Mark Richt? Where will you sleep noww--and that's not your house. Well, it scorched your azaleas, and you just remember that, okay? You remember the bastard who scorched your precious landscaping. [peels out in Charlie Weis' old golf cart] (via, via)

NO ONE IS SAFE. Chip Brown will now just bleed out one insane rumor at a time until realignment happens, both because he has interesting sources, and also because subscriptions don't sell themselves, sir. Of note in the probable insanity column today: Georgia Tech has reached out to the Big 12 now that the ACC is taking on water. This is totally plausible, unlike the improbable insanity of the ACC allegedly turning down overtures of Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State. You didn't read this, John Swofford cannot possibly be that stupid, and there's no way a pilot would let their son fly a commercial plane full of passengers.

RIP, SHORTLIVED DESCRIPTOR "PERSASTRONG." Dan Persa, one in a long line of crafty, overachieving Northwestern quarterbacks, may not lay again after doctors determined he would need a second surgery on his extremely borked Achilles tendon. We scarcely knew ye, Persastrong.com.

SO NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AT MONTANA. Though we would love to see a football coach at a major FBS school attempt to "contextualize" a player biting a woman by showing pictures of said bite to reporters, as Robin Pflugrad did in MIssoula.

THERE WAS NOTHING AVERAGE ABOUT PORK CHOP WOMACK. Billy put together a list of the SEC's most average players, and we strenuously object to the inclusion of anyone named after a delicious cut of meat.

PLEASE DON'T NEGLECT THE SUNBEAST. The Sun Belt will announce expansion today, possibly expanding the empire to include beautiful Eagle Creek.

ETC: Bill Murray, just rappin' about tangelos. When Adam Jacobi goes out with his "friends," he means all of them, even the parrot. NFL players really don't give two shits if you're gay or not as long as you just please for the love of god block that horrible man across from you, okay?