SEQUEL TO "THE U" IN THE WORKS
If you were sitting there at the end of the ESPN documentary "The U" and, like me, thinking you could've easily watched two more hours of that stuff and been royally entertained, take heart: Apparently there's a sequel on deck covering the fall and rebirth of the Miami program from the mid-'90s to the early 2000s. That likely means a lot less Uncle Luke and a lot more Butch Davis, which hardly seems like an even trade in my book, but will I be watching nevertheless? You bet your ass I will.
2 days ago
Doug Gillett
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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/19/10
by Spencer Hall on Mar 19, 2010 9:02 AM EDT
43 comments
PON DE FLOOR. It's Friday. That means office daggering, Bundy style. (HT: Flubby)
We're on assignment for SBN today, so the Index will likely be it for today unless Dollar Bill Doug decides to drop some wisdom on that ass. Apologies, but we have to go drive laps at Talladega. No, they know we're coming this time. (Shout out to the Talladega Police!)
YOU HAVE A "CONSULTANT" YOU SAY? /PULLSTRAPDOOR. The last man sucked down by the sinking S.S. Kiffin's descent to the seafloor in Knoxville will be...first mate Bryce Brown, who is likely done at Tennessee and is no longer on the team due to the following:
Bryce Brown came to me today and indicated he’s dealing with a lot of personal and family problems right now," Dooley said. "They’re concerns that I believe stem from — and what he told me stem from — some of the reasons why he came here, and his experience over the first six months that he was here.
...i.e. absurd promises of playing time granted to a freshman in the name of recruiting, and then the souring of the relationship when said promises turned into goal-line carries and spot duty behind Montario Hardesty. If a recruit has a "consultant" or "recruiting svengali," you should immediately throw this recruit off the nearest breezeway. You'll save you, your coaches, and your football program a lot of time in the process.
OMG LIGHTS INDEED. Michigan will play a night game on 9/10/11 against Notre Dame in the Big House, their first prime-time night game ever. Ann Arbor press corps! This is illegal, against the rules of being a MICHIGAN MAN, and is somehow Rich Rodriguez's fault! See if he's making money off the lights contract! Better yet, investigate his shady relationship with wanting to play at night? IS HE A VAMPIRE OR WORSE YET A LYCANTHROPE? Hey, Drew Sharp: HE MIGHT BE BOTH. These investigations should keep you busy for the next year. You're welcome, sensible Michigan fans.
I WANT TO TELL HIM HE LOVES YOU. WANTS TO CARESS THOSE BROAD SHOULDERS. RUN A SCENTED BATH FOR YOU WITH ONLY THE FINEST ESSENTIAL OILS. If/when [NAME REDACTED] is finally fired at Illinois and assumes his destined role as "a really qualified special teams coach" (and a good one) at a major school, we shall miss the golden pinata that he is, and his interviews filled with subjectless sentences.
: Will you be as active with the defense?
A: I won't be more active. I want to be able to get back and observe. I don't want to be as involved. Don't want to be the bad guy. Want to be the good guy. I want to put an arm around a guy and say, "Hey, he really does love you." That can get confusing sometimes.
Especially when the coach is standing on the sidelines holding a The Notebook poster with "YOU" written over Rachel McAdams' face and his own cut into the spot where Ryan Gosling's face should be. That's way confusing, but Vic Koenning is a passionate man and that is his favorite movie so, yeah. You're going to have to deal with it, kid.
TRADITIONS. THEY'RE IMPORTANT. At two days old this is slightly moldy, but worth a nibble if only to say that if he plans on instituting other SEC traditions from his tenure at Auburn, he could look into a.) shuffling his offensive coordinators and occasionally allowing assistants to undermine them completely, b.) having the Texas Tech board interview other candidates behind his back, c.) dammit that's as bitter as we can be because even though his teams beat Florida consistently he's still charming as hell in person, and probably not evil. (Probably.)
The "walk" tradition is vastly overplayed. Now, if they rode to the stadium on war-hogs or hippos? NOW we're talking impressive new traditions.
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LES MILES MIKED UP WOOOOO
by Spencer Hall on Mar 18, 2010 4:47 PM EDT
13 comments
Les Miles got miked up for the Tiger's "Big Cat" drill. Sadly, this did not involve actual tussling against Mike the Tiger, though we are certain that was the original idea Miles had before the pencilnecks in legal overruled him. Fucking lawyers.
It is what you hoped for in so many ways: men actually beating the shit out of each other in one-on-one drills, grunting, violence, and Les Miles losing track of a score you can keep without even using your toes. Lord Mingo has a particularly nice showing as Miles introduces him as "Kiki," and then says "West Monroe, WOOOOOOO!!!!" That passes for entertainment in March, and we'll take it.
Rueben Randle, child of Ramgod, completely destroys his man. If you need us, we'll be out in the backyard pushing a blocking sled around until we get tired. (Three minutes tops.)
HT: Rebekah
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WELL DONE, INTERNET SOLDIERS
by Spencer Hall on Mar 18, 2010 3:16 PM EDT
23 comments
Duchess is still ahead of Natalie Gulbis thanks to your efforts. Keep it up, and we will see the ultimate showdown of Coach Moral Victory versus Helen Mirren in the final, and thus confirm that you should never hold a large open poll on the internet to determine anything. When elections are done this way, Goatse Man, Trololo Guy, and Courage Wolf will be your elected representatives. Chances are you will notice no difference in provisions of local service or their quality.
If you have not voted for Duchess yet, please do by clicking over and doing your part. Only together can we give Lane Kiffin his first championship as a head coach. (Like any he may earn at USC, you will be able to put an asterisk by it when it happens.)
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PEOPLE IN GEORGIA ARE GENEROUS WITH THEIR LITTER
by Spencer Hall on Mar 18, 2010 1:37 PM EDT
80 comments
The University of Georgia is led by Michael Adams, a useless collection of fluff degrees in a well-tailored suit and noted dick. For years now we've been fond of calling him this, both because he represents Florida's primary conference rival and because of our general philosophical opposition to pointless dickishness on all fronts.
Adams has not disappointed on this front, alternately spending exorbitant amounts of money on personal office refurbishments, attempting to change the name of the World's Largest Cocktail Party to something un-American and misleading, and most irritatingly to Georgia fans, attempting to control where and when tailgaters arrive and camp on UGA's campus. We'd love to continue to hurl accusations of dickishness, but one fact stands in the way:
Georgians litter like pack rats in a goddamn shitheap.
This applies to their campus, especially the North Campus, the victim of the most egregious tailgating violations (as seen above,) but it's a statewide problem. We have personally witnessed the following things thrown from moving cars that sped off into the Peach State sunset without hesitation:
- An entire fish dinner and a half in styrofoam containers
- A coffee cup. A ceramic coffee cup thrown from the window at full speed on I-285
- An empty cigarette carton
- A shoe. Not two. Presumably, one had angered the other, and they could not co-exist in the same car for a second longer.
- A bottle of Gilbey's gin. Policeman: waiting and idling at the same intersection three cars ahead.
- An empty six pack of beer, perfectly slipped back into the elastic plastic ringer it had arrived in, because if you're going to litter you want to do it in as tidy a fashion as possible
- Ray Goff, thrown carelessly from the window of a dualie we were behind on 441 headed to Clayton. We didn't have the heart to hit him, and swerved around him out of pity.
It would be really, really nice to support someone getting furious about this, but cleaning up after yourself at a tailgate is basic football fan etiquette, and the people who share our fair state fail at doing that even along the roads of the place they consider home. (Their cars, however, are very clean.) It is a violation made worse by the beautiful campus being trashed in the process. If you want to trash a campus, feel free to do it at one that deserves it, like Florida State's, for example. When they're burning your refuse to stay warm on a chilly Tallahassee night, they'll even thank you for the privilege.
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FOOTBALL ISN'T DEAD. IT'S ASLEEP.
by Spencer Hall on Mar 18, 2010 11:37 AM EDT
23 comments
No winter lasts forever. No spring skips its turn.
In watching this video, we can smell the wafting scent of perpetually decaying vegetation surrounding Gainesville like cheap cologne, and feel the crushing humidity. Other places joke about having 90% humidity, but the weather today in Gainesville without rain is holding steady at 90% humidity. In the spring it is like living in a bowl of gazpacho. In the summer, it's more of a fine milky chowder you exist in when not changing t-shirts.
If you go to the practice field, it is not half as nice or removed as you would imagine it to be. Situated between a parking garage and the law school, it yawns out for a good three or four football field's of length, covered in spiky abrasive bermuda grass. It only looks soft. Landing on it takes you straight to the sandy ground with little cushion. It, too, is unpredictable. Land one way and it feels like a crash pad. Land at another angle, and it might as well be a parking lot.
23 comments | 2 recs
THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/18/2010
by Spencer Hall on Mar 18, 2010 10:01 AM EDT
16 comments
DON'T CRUSH OUR HATE-FILLED FANTASIES.
Lane Kiffin just gets "Du Hast" running in our head anyway, but if the "logistical difficulties" surrounding the long-delayed signing of Seantrel Henderson to USC turn out to be him flipping to Ohio State, we will wake up pissing ourselves laughing for a week, and it won't be like the last time that happened because that medication has since been banned in 38 countries including the United States, Mexico, and Canada.
OF COURSE HE'S BACK. NEVER A DOUBT! Urban Meyer was at practice, world spun, no heads exploded, no midday resignations and retractions. We never doubted it!*
PRECIOUS iS JUST GETTING SO BUSY UP THERE. It's fun when you have to explain the media policy for 20 minutes before you start even talking about football, but remember what we said about Dooley? That he knew when to write thank you cards, and had excellent calligraphy, and was superb at remembering birthdays and all the other tiny courtesies someone with the nickname "Precious" would have?
As for practices, a phone call would be appreciated. "They’re part of the family," Dooley said. "My brother, he lives in Atlanta. He’s a part of my family, but he doesn’t drive up to Knoxville and open up my door … It’s basic human interaction. That’s all it is. "It doesn’t mean I’m excluding my brother because I’d like him to call me before he comes to Knoxville."
Shit, people. Emily Post. EMILY FUCKING POST. It ain't hard! We mock, but...well, we mock, mostly, since there's no telling what Dooley's going to put on the field this fall, and our default setting is our default setting. BTW, if you'd like to visit us, remember: wrap the brick in a clean cloth before you throw it through the window.
FEW ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANTS HAVE EXPERIENCE AS CEOS, BUT THAT'S JUST HOW LUCKY WE ARE. Cal's new special teams coach is Jeff Genyk, former Eastern Michigan coach. Let's watch as a friendly beat writer spins shit into shinola:
Few special teams coaches, for that matter, list five years as a Division I head coach on their resume. Genyk's stay at Eastern Michigan did not exactly unfold as planned - he was fired after posting a 16-42 record - but the experience shaped the way he will perform his job at Cal.
He then follows this up by saying it makes him decisive..."but not always correct." We like a man who calls his disastrous fake punts with gusto, sir. Salute!
AN ARMY OF ONE. Anthony Morelli is still attempting to become an NFL quarterback, and best of luck with that, but this is where an invisible German art film director begins recording your every move in creating an imaginary short that will win Best Emotionally Devastating Film You'll Never Watch Again About An Athlete Running Out Of Time you'll ever see. It will make The Last Laugh seem uplifting, and will not include the improbable tagged-on happy football ending.
*Only had this moment, of course.
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THE POINSETTIA BOWL TAKES DEEP OFFENSE
There's straw men a-plenty here, but the core point stands: a tourney in any form is a far better way to settle things than the invitational beauty contests college football has. Though why you have to shit on the good people of the San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl is past our understanding when you can rip on the bastards behind a real menace like the Citrus Bowl. <-----no basis for singling out the Citrus Bowl whatsoever.
4 days ago
Spencer Hall
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