FOOTBALL SEASON IS OVER. FOOTBALL SEASON HAS BEGUN.
by Spencer Hall on Sep 2, 2010 2:44 PM EDT
45 comments
Hunter S. Thompson wrote "Football Season Is Over" at the top of his suicide note. The end of football season was, for him, a convenient time to check out of life via gunshot. It is not hard to understand why: looking out the window in February, when the whistle has sounded and big men pour into physical rehab or the bars for the winter, is bleak as hell's backyard no matter where you are. Up north there is snow, more snow, and grey cottony skies blocking the sun for months at a time. Down south the trees spit their leaves, and half of the mid-South looks like the back of a porcupine's ass. In Florida, the snow birds pace the sidewalks like bedraggled death-herons lurching from one cafeteria to the next. It may be the most macabre of all scenarios, but you wouldn't believe it until you see it.
You don't believe many things until you see them, because people remain visual learners. For instance, You won't believe that you can lose that game, and there the score sits in indisputable yellow lights on the scoreboard. You won't believe now that in four months you will sit at the window and see it all happen all over again and then find yourself staring at the metaphorical piece of paper reading: Football season is over. Camus stated that all reasonable men consider their own suicide. I'm not saying I think it is a noble decision in his case, or in any others.
If I were going to understand it, though? That first Saturday morning without football would be the day to do that.
45 comments | 21 recs |
ATL IN BLOOM: COLLEGE FOOTBALL ARRIVES
There really is no other place for the college football glutton, as described in our guest piece over at SBN ATL.
MAD WAGERIN', WEEK ONE: MEET YOUR NEW DEGENERATE GAMBLER
by Spencer Hall on Sep 2, 2010 11:17 AM EDT
83 comments
The position of resident degenerate gambler here has been a varied one. Solon, the original mad monk of Mad Wagerin', is now literally becoming a monk of sorts, which left the position open to our feeble, hastily written efforts, and then the witty, beautifully crafted wagering columns of Dollar Bill Doug last season. Unfortunately for Doug, his beautiful writing and sparkling wit suffered one of the worst runs ever, and would have made you a very literate, funny, charming, and hopelessly broke wagerer.
Answering the call this year: Peter Pattakos from Cleveland Frowns, a degenerate gambler hired both for his persistent and impressive need to wager on anything at anytime, and because of SBNation's new affirmative action policies on hiring at least one Midwesterner to write something here. He talked us into doubling our money on a Wannstache bet last fall, so he has real and formidable powers. Enjoy.
Dollar Bill Doug's having gone corporate is probably the first best sign we've seen that Obama's really turning this thing around, but if we're going to clean this mess all the way up, we have to get more serious about trickle-down-economics. And by that, I mean getting the economy going via the magic of intelligent, well-informed sports gambling.
My experience in the field is what qualifies me to take Doug's place as EDSBS Resident Mad Wagerer, and pretty much speaks for itself. A summary of my approach to better living through sports wagering is available here, and also contains a summary of relevant accomplishments. Not listed there is the time I convinced Orson (perhaps somewhat unsuccessfully) to quintuple what became a winning wager on Pitt when we were in Vegas at the same time last fall on the theory of "Wannstache Friday!". So you're in good hands.
THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/2/2010
by Spencer Hall on Sep 2, 2010 10:36 AM EDT
64 comments
A HORSE CALLED GOLGOTHA I MEAN FOOTBALL WHATEVER. Today's Metalsome rating is "off the fucking charts," also known as "Baroness Level Five." The scary man in the video? THAT'S JIM HARBAUGH IN A SPECIAL CAMEO.*
TO TONIGHT'S FOX. As usual, South Carolina will take your hot and bothered self back to the hotel room for anticipated football action, fail to get it up, and then spend the rest of three drunken hours apologizing and saying how, "It used to work a lot better than this, I promise." As long as you know this is how it's going to go, you'll be fine with it, especially with the consideration of Weslye Saunders' likely and impending suspension for various NCAA and hotel-related foibles. Spurrier also plans on playing a true freshman Conor Shaw along with Garcia against a potentially game Southern Miss team. If you think this will be boring, you'll be wrong.
You're right about the ugliness, though, since the Gamecocks are the rest of college football's slightly popular but horrible observational comic hired to make the headliners look good on opening weekend. IT'S STILL FOOTBALL MY GOD FOOTBALL.
NOW PLAYING FOR NORTH CAROLINA, NO ONE. Joe Schad threw out sixteen as the number of players UNC could miss in Saturday's game against LSU, though the exact number remains to be seen and could be 1.6 as far as the rest of us know. If LSU manages to lose this game despite facing a UNC team functioning with one leg, one eye, and half a brain, Les Miles should just walk out of the building and into the middle of Marietta Street to play Headbutt Poker with oncoming traffic. He won't, but that's just what he should do if the unthinkable becomes the unbearable. We'd also advise LSU fans to drink heavily to cope, but redundancy man says that is redundant is redundant.
Roy Williams is steadfastly supporting Butch Davis is busy distancing the basketball program from any of this business and kind of hoping the football program goes back to John Bunting status.
OH AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS FOR THE LAST TIME. Alleluia, the Ohio State/Michigan game will remain in the final week of the season, meaning you could get that exciting back-to-back arrangement if/when they manage to face each other from separate divisions in the Big Ten championship game. Since actual football has arrived, we're through talking about this because fuck the bureaucrats it's time to kill.
YOU CLEVER BITCHES. Don't make us love you, Wall Street Journal.
BLOWIN' SMOKE! IMPREGNATIN' TURKEYS! We know how you feel, Robbie Caldwell. We really, really do.
*It's not.
COUNTDOWN: ZERO
by Spencer Hall on Sep 2, 2010 12:09 AM EDT
110 comments
All men are equal not in respect of their gifts but in that everyone has a will capable of choice. Man is a tempted being, living with what he does, and suffers in time, the medium in which he realizes his potential character. The indeterminacy of time means that events never happen once and for all. The good may fall, the bad may repent, and suffering can be, not a simple retribution, but a triumph.
And here...we....go.
110 comments | 3 recs |
COUNTDOWN: ONE
by Spencer Hall on Sep 1, 2010 5:10 PM EDT
72 comments
"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do"
"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."
THE FULMER CUP SEASON CLOSES, AND GEORGIA IS YOUR CHAMPION
by Spencer Hall on Sep 1, 2010 3:01 PM EDT
67 comments
THE FULMER CUP IS, AS OF 1:34 P.M. SEPTEMBER 1ST, 2010, CLOSED FOR BUSINESS FOR THE 2010 SEASON. LET THIS ANNOUNCEMENT CEASE ALL SCORING. LET THE STANDINGS REMAIN AS THEY ARE. THE SEASON HAS ENDED AND THE SEASON HAS BEGUN ALLELUIA AMEN.
Your 2010 Fulmer Cup Champion is the University of Georgia. Congratulations on your titanic accomplishments in off-the-field festivities, sirs, and for bringing another championship trophy to the SEC. This was no one off lottery shot at the Cup title abetted by a few drunken citations. This represented a steady, workmanlike finishing of the drill by Georgia, who stumbled steadily toward the finish with the knowledge that in a town with bars as close together as Athens, the next drink was sure to bring adventure, possible minor legal repercussions, and ultimately Fulmer Cup victory.
We present you with your trophy in recognition of your work, Bulldogs, and wish you a happy 2010.
Georgia is not here to accept the award, but in their stead we have Doug, EDSBS Associate Editor for Sensual Affairs and UGA Alum, to accept the award on behalf of his alma mater. The mike is yours.
I am proud to stand before you today to accept the 2010 Fulmer Cup, which represents the culmination of efforts put forth over many years. For that reason, though, I am not accepting this award merely on behalf of the Zachary Mettenbergers and Washaun Ealeys of today but also on behalf of the Odell Thurmans and Michael Lemons of yesteryear. I accept this award on behalf of Mudcat Elmore, whose car has become a permanent fixture in Georgia football lore. I accept this award on behalf of NaDerris Ward and all the other players who turned the humble motor scooter from a crappy alternative for people who can't afford cars into a brazen antiauthoritarian icon. And I proudly accept this award on behalf of Ian "Tater Salad" Smith, who got so thoroughly passed-out drunk on the shitter at Amici's that the cops had to break down the door. There but for the grace of God, Tater, go us all.
These men bit into the the ripe fruit that is Athens, Georgia and sucked out every drop of nectar it had to offer, and they did it (mostly) without hurting anyone; they showed the way for the Fulmer Cup champions of 2010. So when the definitive chapter on Georgia's 2001-2010 decade is written many years hence, let it be said not only of the Class of '10 but of all these young men, these hard-drinking, public-urinating sons of America, that they were "just good ol' boys, never meanin' no harm. Beats all you ever saw, been in trouble with the law since they day they was born."
God bless you all, and God bless the University of Georgia.
Thank you, Doug, and congratulations to you and all other graduates of the University of Georgia.
The special subcategories are now awarded.
SPECIAL JURY PRIZE FOR OUTSTANDING FLAIR IN POINTS ACCRUAL: OREGON STATE.
Beavers take to water drunk,
Beavers like to get their props
Steal a go-cart gettin' crunk,
(And Oregon just really, really likes to fight.)
ELLIS T. JONES III AWARD FOR INDIVIDUAL ACHIEVEMENT: Nigel Carr, the Florida State dynamo whose 13 point spree earns him the individual award for Fulmer Cup production. You're no Ellis T. Jones, but who besides the man himself is?
The Fulmer Cup is hereby closed for 2010. The final scoreboard is posted after the jump, and we congratulate Mizzou on their noble but ultimately futile rush towards second place at the end. As always, we invite you to thank Boardmaster Brian for his diligent maintenance of the Big Board, and for his continuing to grace us with his enormous, Reggie Nelson-sized penis. Additional thanks to the good people at SAS WIki for keeping the board updated, and to Holly for the illustrations and assistance.
67 comments | 1 recs |
A helpful graph explaining the likely UNC defensive situation on Saturday night.
1 day ago
Spencer Hall
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