No, officer. I am home. Unless Carlos Dunlap lives in the middle of the street in his car-and even in Florida this doesn’t qualify as a domicile-he’s been arrested for DUI. Dunlap should be in a hearing by satellite with an Alachua County judge right now, and was still in jail as of this morning. In case you’re wondering whether this was “one wine cooler too many” DUI or “blind to the universe bumper cars” DUI, the details should clarify that:

Officers reached into the car to turn off the ignition while the clutch was still in gear and finally awoke a “very groggy” Dunlap, the report states.

Dunlap showed obvious signs of impairment, the report states, including bloodshot eyes, difficulty conveying basic information and the smell of alcohol on his breath.

Dunlap told officers he was “at a gathering and headed home,” according to the report.

The worst sign in all of that is referring to the party you were leaving as “a gathering,” something you only do when storming down the road with a thundering gang of pink elephants. He won’t play, meaning Justin Trattou, William Green, and Duke Lemmens will have to make up the gap. Thus continues Florida’s sportsmanlike tradition of granting Alabama a one man advantage in the SECCG. Don’t thank us: thank a barrel of Hypnotiq and Carlos Dunlap.

It’s okay, though. Oklahoma’s lending us a few players, evidently. (HT: Mr. Easterly.)

Bowden watch: Despite last night’s confusion, Bobby Bowden will most likely announce his retirement this morning, something a full seven years overdue. Time marches on. It is difficult to get emotional over this, and here’s where Bowden mistimed this whole thing: if he’d retired six years ago, he could have clad himself in imperial purple and enjoyed the full regal treatment. As it stands, he’s being given the kind of hurried shuffling off reserved for doddering civil servants and sick dogs.

Bearthump Spearkill. Ndamukong Suh will not win the Heisman, but he will get himself a fine list of alternate names that, while all perfectly acceptable, still don’t match the glory of actually being named “House of Spears.”

No, nothing going on this week. Brian Kelly’s a bit busy this week.