BOB DAVIE: Hello, and welcome to the Carrier Dome, in frrrosty Syracuse, New York! It’s a lovely September day outside, but now is the winter of Orange discontent. And joining me to get to the bottom of all this, Lisa Salters. Lisa, tell us about the setup today.


LISA SALTERS: Well, Bob, we’ve set up a series of motion-activated cameras and microphones throughout the stadium, in the hopes of capturing footage of the rare Syracuse football fans in their natural environment. It’s a technique pioneered by-Bob! [hissing] BOB!!


BOB DAVIE [quietly, urgently]: Don’t move. Their visual acuity is based on motion.
[cautiously reaches into pocket, removes bag of corn nuts, shakes it]
Hey. Hey. We’re not gonna hurt you. C’mere, little guy. C’mon.


SYRACUSE FAN [slumping into frame]: …Can I help you?


BOB DAVIE: It’s all right. Everything’s gonna be all right. Want a corn nut? Do ya?


SYRACUSE FAN: Uh…sure?


BOB DAVIE: There you go. Isn’t that nice. Oh, Lisa, look, he’s shaking!


LISA SALTERS [cooing]: It’s OK. It’s OK. You’ve had a rough month, haven’t you, little fella?


SYRACUSE FAN: Well, I mean, we lost our first three games by a combined total of over seventy points. One of those losses was to Akron. We just managed to hang on against Northeastern, of all places, so yeah, I feel like the bag’s pretty justified at this-


BOB DAVIE: Bill! Bill, are you getting this? I think he’s trying to communicate! Are we getting this, Bill?


SYRACUSE FAN: …uh, anyway, like I was saying, Coach Robinson seems like a nice enough guy and all, but it’s come to a point where all this neverending positivity just seems almost farcical, y’know?


BOB DAVIE: Lisa? Lisa, can you get close enough to touch him?


SYRACUSE FAN: Wait, what?


LISA SALTERS: I’m not gonna hurt you, sweetie. Ssssshhhh. Ssssshhhh. [delicately pats paper bag]


SYRACUSE FAN: I…I mean, I’m a rational guy. I recognize there are rebuilding years in every program, but all we hear is “gradual improvement” this and “learning all the time” that, and at the end of the day, what kind of curve are we talking about?


BOB DAVIE: Lisa! See if he’ll eat a corn nut out of your hand!


SYRACUSE FAN: Because I don’t know about you, but I come here to watch football, not plate tectonics-hey! HEY!!


LISA SALTERS [attempting to push corn nuts through hole in bag]: Bill, are you getting this??


SYRACUSE FAN: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! THIS ISN’T A FUCKING PETTING ZOO.


LISA SALTERS: Look, he’s sitting upright!


SYRACUSE FAN: I’M A HUMAN BEING! SYRACUSE FANS ARE PEOPLE! WE’RE PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU!


CAMERAMAN: See if it likes Fritos!


SYRACUSE FAN: SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS [rips off paper bag, bolts for nearest wall, climbs with astonishing speed to rafters, where he perches, hissing and spitting]


BOB DAVIE [turning to camera]: The Big East, ladies and gentlemen: It’s bat country. I’m Bob Davie, EEEessPEEenn.