Today, in our endless guest columnist series, we have Ohio State Jim Tressel here to answer your questions about love, life, and yes, football. Take it away, Jim!

Thanks for the introduction, Orson. I appreciate the opportunity to interact with your readers. Let’s get right to those emails.

Dear Coach T-

My portfolio is heavy on AIG and Lehman Brothers, as well as others who invested heavily in the subprime real estate market. Should I diversify?

-Sweating in Sandusky

Hello Sandusky! While I’m not a licensed financial planner, diversification’s never a bad thing. You should consider investing in the American manufacturing sector, which will bounce right back once people figure out that foreigners can’t make things properly. You can quote ol’ Jimmy T: the American worker is the best worker in the world! Consider textiles especially.


The American Manufacturing Sector: as timeless as the Buckeye offense, buddy.

Dear JT-

A few weeks ago I noticed a small lump on my arm. It looks like one of my moles has grown to a horrendous size. It bleeds constantly, and last night it started smoking and emitting a smell of brimstone and rotting cabbage. Should I see a doctor?

-Concerned and smoking in Columbus, OH.

Well, it’s good to see a Columbus native here! Go Buckeyes! I’m no doctor, so I won’t dispense medical advice. Just between you and me, though, that mole’s just one of those things, and you’ll be fine. Consider wearing a sweater over it if it causes you any embarrassment: they’re both comfortable and formal enough to wear in polite company.

Next letter!

Dear Coach T-

My husband comes home smelling like whore and won’t tell me who he’s talking to on the cell phone all the time. He’s working late and won’t have sex with me. I think he’s having an affair, but I don’t want to accuse him of something he may not be doing! Help!

Worried in Westlake

Sounds like typical marriage. Just sit down and have a nice dinner together. Put on some nice music; I like Color My World by Chicago, but you should choose your own. You’ll forget whatever you were worried about when he wraps his loving arms around you. It’s worked for me and Mrs. T for years.

P.S. You might also want to consider giving him a blow job. That works, too.

COWCH-HALP TREE ON FIRE STUK N TREEE HALP-BAHR

Oh, Mr. Bear. You look fine where you are. It’ll all work out if you just keep doing what you’re doing.

Coach T-Are you going to actually start Terrelle Pryor after Todd Boeckman’s dismal performance against USC?

Exasperated in Elyria

Oh, I’m not one to change things all at once, but be shocked: he’ll get half this week.

JT-Delta Five-niner here. What the fuck do we do with this?

Well, tone down the language, for starters. We have ladies reading. Second, I’ll do what great men do: quote Winston Churchill. “When you’re going through a fiery and unprecedented aeronautical disaster, keep going.” He said it, so it must be true.