Bobby Johnson has found his special purpose! He celebrates after last night’s epic victory over South Carolina, Vandy’s first since 1982 at home against an SEC opponent. Remember: Never trust whitey.

We tried to speak slowly, really, we did. Our interview with Scott Van Pelt is hyah.

Admit you are duped, and move on. South Carolina’s multidimensional debacle last night has so many angles to examine, but one sticks out nastily: special teams, something Garnet and Black Attack leaps on in their postgame analysis of “Black Thursday.”

Special teams cost us this game. Period. There’s no way around it. Two disastrous special team mistakes gave the Commodores the lead, and from that point on it was almost a formality. The sense of impending doom was almost palpable. The game was not going to turn around.

South Carolina hired Maryland’s special teams guru Ray Rychleski to come in and retool the Gamecocks’ kick and return squads. Ray Rychleski must have had a great, comfortable, and engaging chat with Spurrier last night, right after Spurrier got done having a similar chat with his son/offensive coordinator Steve Spurrier, Jr. (Nepotism! It’s what’s for dinner.)

Penn State suspends three for Oregon State. Plans come together. Defensive end Maurice Evans, defensive tackle Abe Koroma, and tight end Andrew Quarless are all suspended for Penn State’s game against Oregon State at home, thus playing into our grand plan to make our upset pick for this week play out. (Week two is booooooring, and thus the russian roulette pick here, both because the week is a dull slate, and because Penn State, while provoking no real animus from us, does bore the living shit out of us.)

At Penn State, this is further evidence that the program is OUT OF CONTROL! At Florida, we’d just call this Wednesday.

Hanna, Schmanna. West Virginia/ECU is on time and will be making no stops due to Hanna-related flooding, both because they won’t let a pesky thing like weather boss them around, and because Pat White and Noel Devine will simply run briskly across any surface when told to, be it solid or liquid.

IS THAT ALL YOU GOT, GOD? Texas Tech offensive lineman Rylan Reed survived cancer to get to college football. Broken ankles are like butter mints to him:

Rylan broke his right ankle late in the fourth quarter against Virginia. And again, Rylan, who in December will have been cancer-free for five years, turned to what he’s leaned on so many times: a positive attitude and a laugh.

“I was like, ‘Come on. A broken ankle, is that all you got?’ ” Rylan said, smiling.

The policy for men is obviously different. Signs point one finger forward and three back. As a non-good-looking man, we know our brethren when we see them, and we call you brother, homely looking cromag dudes of the midwest. (It’s okay! Make some money, go to the gym, get a nice haircut, learn to perform oral sex well. There’s a million little ways to make up the gap. You’re Wake Forest, but there’s no reason you can’t compete with the big boys.)