Mistakes were made. Maybe you lost some cash, or the use of your left leg, or the privilege of your girlfriend’s vagina, but hey, that’s why they call it gambling. Now quit your crying and hobble over here; we’re getting right back in the game. As any good degenerate knows, it’s only when you’re down that you get a taste of the life. They also know that when you’re down you bet more money, on more games, in order to get well. It’s like makeup sex, only better, because it lasts all weekend and you can do it with other dudes. You have my personal guarantee that these picks are (probably) impregnable.

Oregon @ Arizona (+ 12)

I can feel the lack of trust. It’s OK. This is why I’m going to get you back on your feet right now and make this as simple as possible. Arizona is terrible and their coach is Mike Stoops. Oregon is good, really good. Their coach is… well forget that. Oregon isn’t looking past the Cats this year either, since last year Arizona handed them their only loss of the season at Autzen in a humiliating 37-10 drubbing (Oregon was a 2 TD favorite). That’s not going to happen again. Oregon’s playing for a shot at a National Championship and Dennis Dixon is playing for a shot at the Heisman. Arizona is playing for the chance to save Mike Stoops’ job. I’m sure they can’t wait to play for that asshole for another year. This is your classic prison rape (ow!) game. Arizona will put up a fight early, realize it’s useless, and by the second half, they’ll be following the Ducks around holding onto their pocket like a good little punk. Nothing makes a Friday at the office/prison yard/massage parlor better than knowing you’re already up, so wash the taste of failure out of your mouth and put $100 on Oregon.

West Virginia @ Cincinnati (+ 6.5)

The Mountaineers are coming to town and they’re bringing Steve Slaton, the nation’s #3 rushing attack, and a shitload of gasoline with ‘em. They’ve outscored the Bearcats 80-24 over the last 2 seasons and their dominance will continue here. Slaton has rolled for 277 yards and six TD’s over those 2 games. I’m sure you saw West Virginia’s terrifying extended fumbling drills last week in the second half against Louisville, but have no fear, it was only a test. Sit back, relax, watch WFV dominate Cincinnati and be thankful your couch is spared.

Missouri @ Kansas State (+7)
Yes, please. Here’s what you have to realize with Kansas State: Bill Snyder isn’t walking through that door. Michael Bishop isn’t walking through that door. Darren Sproles isn’t walking through that door. Josh Freeman is, and he’s fat. I think I’d be remiss if I didn’t also point out that Bill Callahan & Co. dropped 73 on the Wildcats last week. This is not what you want to hear when Missouri’s on their way to town. The Tigers have scored 38 or more in all 9 of their wins. They also have the best QB in the Big 12 (sorry Kansas guy). This is one of those point spreads that makes my pants feel funny. I thought the line would be closer to 14. Don’t let the mascot fool you, the Tigers are tough this year. Take the Tigers to roll.

Oklahoma @ Texas Tech (+8)
I think the Dread Pirate Leach has been at sea too long. Being eccentric only gets you so far, eventually, you have to produce results. 8 wins a year is nice, but not enough for a guy like Leach. He’s ultimately failing here, he knows it, and he’s got one foot out the door. Oklahoma is just nasty enough to send you on your way with a dime store boot up your ass. You want numbers? Oklahoma is 5-1 against the spread in their last 6 against the Raiders. Did you know that Oklahoma scores 45 pts per game compared to the Double T’s 42.5? You don’t have to, that’s what I’m here for. I’m still not ready to buy heavily into the Sooners, but I am ready to sell everything I have in Texas Tech. Good luck at your next port, Cap.
Take Oklahoma to sail (sorry) past the Red Raiders.

Kentucky @ Georgia(-7.5)

Mark Richt’s been born again (how many times is this now?); this time as a decisive master villain with a taste for poor sportsmanship and a penchant for shooting jaywalkers. And I like it. Remember when Kentucky was the belle of the ball? Well now they’re the town pump, everyone’s taking a turn on them. Black Hat Richt is in line and he’s about to get freaky. Kentucky hasn’t won in Athens in 30 years. Knowshown Moreno has been averaging 160 yards and 2 TD’s per game over the last 4. His dominance on the ground has taken the pressure off of Matthew Stafford. Stafford isn’t the guy, but he is the kind of QB who can lead you to 10 wins and a New Year’s Day game. Put a week’s pay on Georgia.
[Rich Brooks thinks this pick is bullshit.--ed.]

Duke @ Notre Dame (-6)

This game is too corrosive for the college kids playing with their lunch money. This one’s for the hard core, nothing to lose, basement dwelling, dirtbag, degenerate army. This isn’t a pillow fight or a cripple fight. This game is like Helen Keller necromancing a corpse. And not the hot kind in their Sunday best with a carefully reconstructed face. No, Notre Dame is the bloated floater, coated in canal glaze and smelling of regret. There’s nothing romantic about it, this isn’t sexy time. Duke has a low self-esteem brought on by significant losses and they’ve turned to a cold body buddy only because of their desire for an unresisiting and unrejecting partner. They came to the right place. Charlie Chorizo has led the Irish into unchartered territory. Every 3 & out, every turnover, and every loss sets a new school record. This guy is a master at getting the least out of his players and the most out of his opponents. Take whatever Charlie Fried Chicken spends in a week on fast food and bet it on Duke with confidence.