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In the worst kept secret since the ending of the identity of the Drizzle, Lloyd Carr will throw two of the biggest programs in football into disarray by announcing his retirement today. We’ve summarized his retirement speech below.
To hell with the bastards. All of them. The bastards need to die, and die now. They will need to keep dying forever, the bastards. They ruin everything. They surround you at all times. Grim invocation of gray skies, hunger, and difficulty. Recommend you shake fist angrily and use only yourself as an evaluator for your own good. Repeat lines about the bastards, indicate that bastards are in this crowd at this very instant. Good night, bastards, I’m off to my bastard-free retirement. CC: Bastards.
Les Miles “has not done anything to play down speculation that he wants the job,” and when the Grey Lady is saying that, you may safely assume the restrained Times is tamping down the actual image of Miles sending lackeys to chip the paint off Carr’s office door at this very instant, and setting out taffy bowls at every convenient location in the Michigan football offices.
HT: LSUFreek of TigerDroppings.com.
I’m so glad I left Kentucky. Guy Morriss becomes the latest coach to get fossilized in the tar pit that is the Baylor football program. Why Morriss ever left Kentucky still, on the face of it at least, befuddles: Morriss led the ‘Cats to quasi-respectability before bolting for Kentucky after only two years on the job, only to endure the unique strappado torture of being a Baylor football coach.
How did it happen? Oh, the usual, according to the always excellent BearMeat:
Perhaps it was importing that West Texas A&M offense that we didn’t have the talent for. Or perhaps it was the flight of good assistants in the off season. Perhaps it was the dreadful recruiting . Perhaps it was the lack of decisiveness about the most crucial position on the field. No 5 QB rotation has ever led to a bowl game.
We feel safe, in even our limited understanding of the game of football, saying that it is a natural law that no 5 qb rotation will ever lead to a bowl game. Candidates for the job who promise never, ever to use a 5 qb rotation include Mike Singletary and Houston Nutt.
Oh, dear.
Football Jesus has been collecting the best signs from Gameday, and Michigan’s witty crew-if you don’t read The Victors message board, you need to, if only for the comic relief-came with a bumper crop.
1. You Can’t Spell C_ck_ _cker without O S U
2. We want a new Carr with Les Miles
3. Only Buckeyes work at Home Depot
We expect nothing less from the most sardonic fanbase in college football. If you don’t think this word is fitting, consider its etymology:
[Origin: 1630–40; alter. of earlier sardonian (influenced by F sardonique) < L sardoni(us) (< Gk sardónios of Sardinia) + -an; alluding to a Sardinian plant which when eaten was supposed to produce convulsive laughter ending in death]
Yessir. Words used correctly are awesome. Not that we’d know, but we’ve heard that they can be pretty cool, you know, when strung together, like, right and stuff.
The Pac-10 needs wins from Arizona and UCLA in the next two weeks to fill all of the Pac-10’s available bowl slots. Sure, we’ve crashed a nuclear sub at the bottom of sea. But those men looking for us up there? They’re Russians, dammit. They’ll figure this out safely and get us home for sure without giving us radiation poisoning, botching the rescue, or using faulty equipment and scuttling our chances for survival.
Your national title game, if played right now, would be at 8 in the morning, and my, wouldn’t that be inconvenient? Oh, and it would have Kansas and LSU playing in it. If you saw this coming, you are a dirty, dirty liar.
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We thought we were making this up.
