Ben Troupe lives up to his school’s theme song by subbing for injured teammate and fellow Gator Erron Kinney on the field for the Titans AND in a Nashville Ballet production of “The Nutcracker.”
That’s him in the hat. (HT: Deadspin)
Ben Troupe dares you to laugh. When you do, he will stare at you until you die from fear.
Paul’s up to no good-which means nothing but good-over at Georgia Sports, where Paul’s beginning the search for the next Bill Brasky of college football now that this year’s freak, Leonard Pope, is headed for the NFL. Our personal fave:
Calvin Johnson (GT) - 6′4″ 235 lbs.
Pros: Has the body control of Jacquez Green, runs routes like Chris Carter, and uses his body to push off without getting caught like Michael Irvin. Can roll Yahtzee with just one die. Calvin Johnson wasn’t born. He shed a woman. Built the first Waffle House out of French Toast.
Cons: His QB has the field vision of Helen Keller, the height of Webster and the arm of Andreas Katsulas. Can’t beat Georgia.
Exemplary work, Paul.
Life’s not perfect-fortunately, though, our fantasies are. Here’s a few of the bowls as they should be played, each with their own appropriate setting, sponsor, and ideal matchups. When we’re in charge of things, the whole system will be first against the wall, of course—but in the meantime, what we can’t kill, we’ll mock ‘til it bleeds.
December 24, New Orleans, Lousiana: The Crestor/Nathan’s Mr. Creosote Bowl
Teams: Kansas vs. Maryland
Katrina, Schmatrina. A total lack of public sanitation can only help the festivities sure to result between two teams piloted by the biggest men in the business, Mark Mangino and Ralph Friedgen. Game will begin not with a coin toss, but instead with a competitive eating contest on the fifty yard line between the coaches, who will down tasty Nathan’s hot dogs until one coach gives. Vomiting, diarrhea, gastric torsion, foundering or death will disqualify participants. The winner of the eating contest effectively wins the coin toss, and gets to coach the game lying belly down on a couch on the sidelines.
Favored: Kansas. Mangino’s unchecked swelling will carry the Jayhawks to victory-the man appears to be in the grip of an unending allergic reaction.
Mangino’s the man to carry the Jayhwaks to victory in the Mr. Creosote Bowl.
December 26, Kingston, Jamaica: The Carnival Cruiselines /Visine Fog Bowl
Teams: Bowling Green versus the UAB Blazers.
Crimes abound, and one of them is the fact that both Omar Jacobs and Darrell Hackney will be staying home for the holidays. If there was a nanobit of justice in this world, the two would be playing each other in the Fog Bowl in Kingston, the first overseas bowl game. The game would feature a liberal concessions policy (fans will get hungry) , constant mellow reggae sounds piped in from the house band, and…well, something else that just totally slipped our mind, bro. But trust us, whatever it was, it was going to be awesome. The only logistical problem would be keeping the Miami Hurricanes from ditching their prior bowl obligation and crashing the party.
Favored: Bowling Green. Staying focused will be the key in a potentially sloppy second half, as both teams try to maintain poise in an aggressively relaxed atmosphere. Omar Jacobs has dreads, which confirms our suspicions that he’s played in this kind of game before, or at least has conditioned himself for the playing environment of Kingston in his spare time.
Hiring this trainer would suit teams headed for the Visine Bowl well.
January 1st, Tallahassee, Florida: The Sylvan Learning Centers/University High School Oscar Davenport Bowl.
Teams: Kansas State vs. Tennessee.
Another variation on the coin toss can be found in the Oscar Davenport Bowl, where teams pick their best and brainiest partial qualifiers to face off in a pregame battery of tests designed to push the cognitive limits of their signal-callers’ gray matter. (Davenport, by the way, scored a 6 on the Wonderlic.) Thrill as the Wildcats and Vols run out of chips in Connect Four! Gasp in stunned silence as they circle the board in Trivial Pursuit wedgeless for hours at a stretch! Laugh as home-schooled 8 year olds outspell the shit out of Division 1-A quarterbacks! A football game will follow the festivities, but who’s paying attention to that when you’ve got two lineman sweating out a game of Mousetrap on the sidelines? Or Eric Ainge staring blankly at a game of Boggle with only these three words written down:
ART
FART
FAR
Favored Team: In pregame, Tennessee, since not even the Vols can go as low as Kansas State can for historically abysmal Wonderlic scores. Who cares about the game? We’ll be stumping our opponent with our unstoppable Uno! technique and getting sloshed off our third egg nog.
Straight from those hard streets: Connect Four, bitch.
First, it’s Tim “TBone” Tebow now it is a pair of speed merchant wide receivers from Virginia. Percy Harvin (who some services have as the top high school wide receiver) and Damon McDaniel have orally committed to the University of Florida giving the Gators 24 verbal commitments and a consensus top 5 recruiting season. Not since Gator fans dreamed of Tim Olmstead throwing touchdown passes to Steve Shipp have the Gator fans been so excited about the future.
Caveat Recruitor. Don’t forget that some recruits never do much more than log playing time in spring football.
I was watching television with my wife when I could have sworn I saw our favorite metrosexual football blogger.
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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