The College Football Weekend in Graphs examines the week through the magic of poorly constructed graphs. It might help to know that Nebraska defensive end Ndamukon Suh’s first name means “House of Spears.” And yes, we turn on our own, because you always hurt the ones you love, the ones you shouldn’t hurt at all.
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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1
Harris says:
I see Tebow less as Roidy Jonas Brother and more as Port City Rough Trade.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:21 am
2
haveagreatday says:
Is “Tebow by Fractions” the best graphic representation of reality ever? Best. Graph. Ever. I think we all know that the tears slice should be bigger though.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:27 am
3
thetennesseethumper says:
the “tears” wedge seems a little small. just sayin’.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:27 am
4
InTheBleachers says:
Mardy Gilyard says “Coach Wannstache, tell me how my ass tastes”
Terrence Cody “What does Colt McCoy taste like?”
Ndamukong “House of Spears” Suh “Taste like chicken. Bitch, chicken, but chicken still”
December 7th, 2009 at 9:28 am
5
WarChiziken says:
letting fat guy tackle win the game on a blown up 2-point play?
dead center on the Horseshit graph in my book…
December 7th, 2009 at 9:29 am
6
thetennesseethumper says:
however, all of Tebus’s tears are but a drop compared to charles “cryin’ ass bitch ho” weis.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:33 am
7
ohiodawg says:
OS - That’s how the rest of us have felt all year about Tebow.
Cincinnati Bearcats #3?!? Amazing. Based on the overwhelming dominance of the league and SEC Speed, anything other than a 5 touchdown victory by the Gators should be considered an earth shattering and humiliating loss.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:34 am
8
Alex P in Smyrna G says:
Re: Mac Brown can control time
A pair of otherwise distinguished physicists have suggested that the hypothesized Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather.
After viewing the B12 game I am convinced the BCS is protected by a similar phenomenon.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:44 am
9
JacketAndCoke says:
Nothing about 0 punts in the ACCCG. No Paul Johnson graph love? Orson I am offended.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:46 am
10
Golden Hand says:
Little known fact: SEC speed exists, but is manufactured in a derelict trailer just outside Athens, Ga., from ether, muriatic acid, lye and Sudafed.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:48 am
11
Kevin@LSU says:
The half-time, Dr. Pepper, throw the ball in the big fucking hole for $123,000 for the big 12 game was by far the worst I have ever seen. Two chicks that couldn’t hold a football much less shot put it into a oversized can of delicious Dr. Pepper.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:56 am
12
pbrown says:
I’m disappointed that the Orange Bowl chart didn’t list either “chop blocks” or “being punched in the face by Paul Johnson” as likely causes of death for Iowa fans.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:57 am
13
theAg20 says:
Omitted from “Overlapping Spheres Illustrating Various Degrees of Horseshits” is “Colt/Mack: ‘we knew there was still time on the clock.’” Right…
December 7th, 2009 at 10:01 am
14
DrBundy says:
I really really really wish I wasn’t color blind just because I want to understand the “Tebow by Fraction” graph. I may have to get a co-worker to help me out, and then they would know I don’t actually work all day in my office. Crapsticks. What to do?
December 7th, 2009 at 10:01 am
15
WarChiziken says:
theAg20 - can you or anyone tell me of a game in which one second was put back on the clock in a similar manner to the TX - Nebraska game?
yep, gotta put that one in there as well
December 7th, 2009 at 10:04 am
16
Ears Whitworth says:
The Alabama-Florida Dr Pepper halftime match brought back warm memories of the OSU cheerleader kicking a perfect field goal at halftime of the OSU-Miami championship game. Two straight-up gamers, lawya.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:13 am
17
Kevin@LSU says:
DrBundy,
I’ll help you out. Starting at 12 O’Clock, moving clockwise. Follow it that way.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:15 am
18
f o u r says:
The best thing that happened on Saturday, and a lot of great things happened, was when that cum dumpster lost the Dr. Pepper challenge to a girl who was shot putting the football, end over end, through the mammoth vinyl can.
I knew I could count on you, Orson. These graphs are so solid.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:16 am
19
wfguiteau says:
If Texas had fits against a Nebraska team whose main offense was “punting the ball really far and letting our defense improve our field position after a three and out”, it would be a sound investment to take out a second mortgage and pawn your car to bet on Alabama to beat the spread if it’s anywhere near single digits.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:18 am
20
ohiodawg says:
Pardon the length, but this had me laughing out loud. Tebow Drinking Game.
* Drink every time Tebow is called “a warrior.” Bonus chug if any of your friends sing the first two hours lines of Scandal’s opus “I am a warrior” and change the lyrics to “Tebow is…” Dance, Tebow, you magnificent bastard.
* Drink every time Tebow’s called “a leader,” then salute.
* Drink every time Tebow’s called a “special athlete,” then yell “Tiiiimmmmmmmmay!”
* Finish your drink if the announcers suggest Tebow should win the Heisman again this year.
* Drink every time Tebow points to the sky. Then realize the only reason the sky hasn’t fallen is the strength of his pointing.
* Drink every time Tebow references God. Or himself. Tom-A-to. Tom-ah-to.
* Drink every time he’s shown on the sidelines flapping his arms like a bird (or an idiot) to pump up the crowd.
* If (when) Tebow actually takes flight, finish your drink and do a shot.
* Drink every time Tebow’s on camera for no reason when the Florida defense is on the field.
* Drink every time Tebow is seen screaming with his helmet off.
* Drink every time they show a “I Heart Tebow” sign in the stands.
* Drink every time you see a Florida fan in jorts. (Small sips on this one. Otherwise it could kill you).
* Shot every time they mention his experience as missionary.
* If they mention him performing circumcisions in the Philippines while he was a missionary - Chug your beer, do a shot of Patron.
* Drink every time Meyer touches Tebow. Finish the beer if he puts his arm around Tebow. If he nuzzles with Tebow’s facemask, perform the strikeout from Beerfest.
* Drink every time they show Tebow’s face black. If you can read the bible verse, take a double shot. Take a triple shot if Verne actually quotes the bible verse.
* Drink if they reference “The Promise”. Take a double if they play the whole thing. Take a triple if they show the plaque at Florida Field.
**When Alabama wins and Tebow gives a tearful speech in the post-game press conference, give the television the bird, turn up your bottle of Jim Beam, and don’t stop drinking OR flipping off the TV till Tebow runs out of tears. (This may take several bottles of Jim) Then throw the empty bottle(s) through the television and quote the good book by saying “the Terrence Cody falls upon the just and the unjust alike!” Club a baby seal and start prepping for Texas.
(Disclaimer: Playing the Tebow drinking game may well result in death. So don’t do it. Ever. Not even in jest. The content above this disclaimer is a joke, not a suggestion. If you’re dumb enough to do it, just pray Tebow is nearby. Only he can save you. Him or a local hospital with a stomach pump.)
December 7th, 2009 at 10:21 am
21
Bobby B says:
WarChiziken: I think that’s what happened to allow the 2005 Bush Push, and I seem to remember it happeneing again in another ND game this season.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:28 am
22
PSUfanNYC says:
warchiziken @ 20 -
Penn State at Michigan, 2005.
Penn state led 25-21 with under a minute to play. Lloyd Carr lobbies successfully for 2 seconds to be placed back on the clock after a time-out during UM’s last drive. No review or anything - the head ref just puts them back. Michigan ultimately gets 1 last play with 0:01 on the clock, and Henne converts to Mario Manningham to win the game 27-21. PSU’s only loss of the year.
Most blatantly biased officiating I’ve seen until….Alabama’s last 6 SEC games of 2009.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:32 am
23
DrBundy says:
@ Kevin@LSU -
You’re aces, sir. Hope to see you on campus next year.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:38 am
24
Croc says:
O,
How about a graph of “New Age Touchy Feely” Corch returning to “Scorched Earth Old Testament” Meyer?
December 7th, 2009 at 10:41 am
25
Wooderson says:
WarChiziken (#15)
1972 Olympic gold medal Basketball game: USA - USSR
The US team has still never collected their silver medals.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:42 am
26
Kevin@LSU says:
Not only did the give Michigan time back on he clock, they also took 4 points away from Penn State…thats rough.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:42 am
27
InTheBleachers says:
@15
WarChiziken
It was like a basketball game literally trying to play tenths of seconds. If I was Bo Pelini my guys would have been in the showers already. Me and Carl would have proceeded to block the field goal ourselves and then walked the trophy of to Tom Osborne’s box.
December 7th, 2009 at 10:47 am
28
gamedaytribe says:
Orson,
Neither rain nor sleet nor flu nor the Hamlet-esque tragedy that is Florida football this season (by Gator standards and expectations) keeps you from delivering for us, and for that we’re very grateful. We feel your pain.
Die, BCS, die. Die human voter polls, die. Die preconceived notions, prejudice, conventional wisdom, industry average, mainstream-media-suckitude, giant-media-megacontract-with-some-confs-for-ratings, no-time-to-be-fair-football-system, die.
And regardless of Tebow’s qualities, abilities, personalities and rarities, I’d like to see this level of obsequious, crass, verbal bj’s die too. If that wasn’t a verbal
It’s no wonder the press invites this kind of ridicule, distasteful as that is.
And no, Mr Forde, I’m neither cynical nor envious nor a hater. It is possible for normal, sensible, mature adults to find fault with you without being the devil’s own spawn.
“What makes Tebow unique in the 140-year history of this game is not just his unquenchable spirit. It’s his generosity of spirit.”
Really? We went 140 years without a single college football player who showed generosity of spirit? Riiiing. “Hey, Forde! Heaven’s on the line! God wants to have a word about Red Grange with ya”. And because while you seem to claim an intimate knowledge of every college football player who’s ever played the game in the last 140 years, it seems to me you could have missed a few other positive stories…
Well, you know, give me that ungenerous
December 7th, 2009 at 11:00 am
29
ShaneTCU says:
@4 Colt is just the appetizer. Cody is gonna be mesmerized by Bevo…..Sweet, succulent Bevo
December 7th, 2009 at 11:02 am
30
jester says:
Pitt fan here…, commence laughing.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:06 am
31
Big Green says:
WarChiziken (#15)
A second was put back in the clock in this years Notre Dame-USC game.
I don’t recall if it went to the booth or the guys on the field made the call immediately.
Even with another shot, Clausen still couldn’t complete a TD.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:13 am
32
SC_Eer says:
Re Bowl Prestige by Sponsorship: Is the San Diego County Federal Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl therefore more prestigious than the Chik-Fil-A Bowl because it’s sponsored by a financial institution as opposed to a chain restaurant? Just checking.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:14 am
33
ya lawya says:
It’s only a couple of years before Dr. Pepper has contestants choose a monkey for an illegal monkey knife-fight to see who gets the extra $100k scholarship. A couple years after that, they just get rid of the monkeys all together and it is winner take all.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:15 am
34
Crabapple Buck says:
I have always wondered with all of the diefication of Tim Tebow by todays press, what would they have to say about other great players that have exhibited great character. Nile Kinnick comes to mind. While I think TT is a great kid and would have been proud of him regardless of team affiliation, I wonder if the press built him up so that when he slips, they will try to bury him. I hope not. But I have seen this movie before. Nile Kinnick died way too young. It cemented his legacy and made it impossible to tear him down.
BTW, the graphs are the funniest ever. I never tire of this bit.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:15 am
35
Big Green says:
Also:
The Omaha World-Herald has a great article about the immediate aftermath of the Texas-Nebraska game:
http://omaha.com/article/20091205/BIGRED/712069849
Osbourne and the Nebraska Chancellor demanded the Big 12 Commissioner go to the Nebraska locker room and explain to Pellini what just happened.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:19 am
36
RanchyBalls says:
@ Wooderson And they are still pissed about it. I met Tom McMillen the other day and asked him. Displeased would be a nice way to put it.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:21 am
37
SafetyDan says:
Kevin @ 11: Are you sure those were girls and not the Horns and Huskers QBS?
PSU Fan @ 22: Go back and watch that game, your boy Paterno got 2 seconds put on earlier in the game. If he hadn’ty done that, the 1 second Lloyd got would have been meaningless.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:21 am
38
Tyler says:
Props. Best graphs ever. Ever.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:22 am
39
BamaCPA says:
So, where’s TAFKATOSU hiding lately ?
December 7th, 2009 at 11:22 am
40
gamedaytribe says:
Crabapple Buck @ 34,
Couldn’t agree more, and rec’d for terrific Nile Kinnick reference. Would that there were more of them
littered across college football blogs across America, like little gems.
December 7th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
41
Mr Dizzle says:
I already hated the BCS, but seeing them pit Boise and TCU against each other is just bullshit. It’s a cop out to avoid the ignominy of having TWO BCS league teams go down to non-BCS league teams. If I were Boise or TCU, I would form a mob and march on the BCS headquarters (wherever that might be, if it exists).
FUCK YOU, BCS
December 7th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
42
NewsDawg says:
You wear your spurs well, sir. Great graphs.
December 7th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
43
ShaneTCU says:
@41 I’m not bitching about the selection, nor did I attend the pep rally thing they had on the BCS selection show. However, I learned in class that fox wouldn’t tell anyone at the thing who TCU was playing, only that they were going to the Fiesta bowl, clearly knowing that no one would cheer for the game. That is manufacturing consent, and that is fuckin evil.
December 7th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
44
coachkofpa says:
Phenomenal work, Orson. I’ll never get tired of this series.
December 7th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
45
Brian O'Blivion says:
It’s pretty simple Charlie, Pete is hooking up with a co-ed because he can.
RE BCS and TCU/BSU: it makes no difference. None of the other games matter anyway, except for school pride and money. Woo! Collect your big boy payout and STFU.
December 7th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
46
OJ's Last Fan says:
Woo-hoo! Just saw the pathetic fail by Gator boy in the halftime “contest”. My fucking dog could beat that guy. But he sure does have the gator chomp move down.
December 7th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
47
Chenney says:
These charts alone are enough to sell me on Microsoft Word.
December 7th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
48
tfish says:
After watching the Dr Pepper halftime thing in Atlanta, here’s the real question: How do that guy’s friends condense “You just lost $100,000 in front of 75,000 people live and millions watching on TV because you could not outperform a woman who was the physical manifestation of the phrase ‘throws like a girl’” into a short, everlasting, people-may-just-chuckle-at-your-funeral nickname?
December 7th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
49
PeterPumpkinhead says:
A. Who the hell is this new sponsor for the Independence Bowl… I mean, really, Poulan Weed Eater wasn’t bad enough?
B. WarChiziken… there was a blog last night (wish I could remember which one) where someone had gone back through every incompletion in the B12 game. He said for EVERY one, the second the ball hit the ground ticked off, and for more than half, the next second ticked off, too. So they were at least inconsistent.
December 7th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
50
Brian O'Blivion says:
Timekeeping is much like elections, you only notice the flaws when it’s close. But despite that ruling to add the second, I’d still rather have replay than have another game like 2003 Florida-FSU.
December 7th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
51
Yinka Double Dare says:
“Penn State at Michigan, 2005.
Penn state led 25-21 with under a minute to play. Lloyd Carr lobbies successfully for 2 seconds to be placed back on the clock after a time-out during UM’s last drive. No review or anything – the head ref just puts them back. Michigan ultimately gets 1 last play with 0:01 on the clock, and Henne converts to Mario Manningham to win the game 27-21. PSU’s only loss of the year. ”
Weird, there’s a bunch of words there, but for some reason all I see here is WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Penn State fans always conveniently omit the part where JoePa complained and got two seconds added back on their own last drive, also with no review, for the exact same reason they added the two seconds back on Michigan’s drive — the clock ran for two extra seconds after timeout was called. JoePa does it — totally ok, and omitted from narrative. Carr does it — MOST BIASED OFFICIATING EVER.
December 7th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
52
DickChoke says:
Hilarious, the first time I had ever seen this blog. Let’s not forget the “delayed-hold on let me think about it-oh what the hell-fuck Miami” flag thrown in the 2002 NC game against OSU to hand OSU the title so “them people” don’t win.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:01 pm