That’s the last time I order the chili. Tom O’Brien, seen here regretting his dietary choices prior to losing a 38-31 game to Boston College this weekend.

Furry hats, attacking and killing. The internet often reminds one of a particular Tibetan folktale involving a lost hat stuck in a bush spied by travelers on the roadside. “Look, it’s a monster!” they would say as the hat sat harmless in the bush. Then, one day, called a monster enough times, the hat came to life and began attacking anyone who crossed the mountain pass it lived in: a toothy, furry monstrosity born of enough repeated intent.

Thus comes the topic of Auburn offensive coordinator Tony Franklin, whose firing was invented somewhere on the internet yesterday-text messages reading “Fired at 3! WOO!”, emails, odd voicemails wondering if this was true, all of it pouring in at once. And as of five minutes ago, Franklin sits tight despite legions of Tiger fans pointing and saying “dead man walking,” hoping like hell to make it true:

Tuberville said that, contrary to “Internet talk,” the offensive staff remained unified.

“Everybody’s fine. Everybody’s in the same roles. Nothing’s changed and I haven’t even talked about it,” Tuberville said.

So, for the moment, the wingless, one-taloned Spread Eagle will still limp along at Auburn, paralyzed by the choice between a rag-armed and mostly accurate slow quarterback or a scattershot quarterback who can run. No shame in losing to Vandy, though: unlike a 4-1 Notre Dame team, they’re actually ranked and are totally miffed that you’re blocking the library, plebe.

The old magic’s still there. Joe Tiller benched a senior quarterback just one last time to see if his benchin’ hand was still strong as it ever was…and oh, for one precious moment, it was.

No shakes until handwashing. Jimmy Clausen says Jim Harbaugh wanted no part of a postgame handshake after Notre Dame’s 28-21 win over Stanford:

“I stuck my hand out and said, ‘Good game, coach.’ And [Harbaugh] either didn’t see me or didn’t want to talk to me,”

The man is passionate about two things, Jimmy: victory and hand-washing. A bottle of Purell could have prevented this entire fiasco.

Needed: fresh shame. Florida’s feeling good about itself? WE CANNOT HAVE THIS. Fresh shipments of shame needed, and the pipeline cannot work quickly enough, since LSU fans have none, and will bring none to the party this weekend.