I tell you Wellington is a bad general, the English are bad soldiers; we will settle this matter by lunch time.

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes the gang from Red Solo Cup. Please enjoy their repartee, moderately-priced-alcohol-fueled strings of profanity, and the only football highlight reel we’ve ever seen cross YouTube without a Slipknot soundtrack. For this, Red Solo Cup, we give thanks.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Safety orange. You know, the type that you find on reflectors, cones, and temporary road signs when construction is going on. Obviously there are some potholes being filled at and maybe some lanes being added to Vaught-Hemingway, but this is no new thoroughfare. No, the unfortunate and inconvenient news is that we’ll be needing to use this program while construction is going on. So, caution, because things might be running a little slow for a while.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Palestine (circa now). We may make a lot of noise, but, honestly, we’re not even on the map. We are undeterred (and for some of us, completely unaware) of this fact, and we don’t care how many guns, tanks, nuclear bombs, or fifth-string running backs you have Israel/LSU, we’re still gonna get up in your God/Allah/Yahweh-damned face.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: The name of Illinois’ coach appears in the following due to artistic license. Apologies.

Textin’. Winnin’. Lovin’. Gotta bench, gotta get better, gotta compete. Can’t win without competin’. Can’t compete without work. Can’t work without arms. Can’t have arms without a body, and you can’t have a body without legs. That’s why Captain here’s doing squats during this interview right now.

LOOK AT THE FORM! AAAIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Pistol squats 350 pounds, texts recruit with his toes using a 1983 cell phone the size of a mailbox.)

Gotta get the students into it. Get ‘em excited. We’re all excited but we’re not excited enough. Excitement means excitement times excitement divided by excitement. Get ‘em some towels. Loving me some towels. Worked in Pittsburgh. Drunk Yinzers puking. Towels. Hurling on each other. Women punching women punching men punching mules. Punching.

Alcohol poisoning. Excited, then football, then alcohol poisoning. Clean up with the towels. Wave ‘em around and get puke all over the place. Excitement. That’s what we’re looking for here.

Excitement. Towels. Punching Mules.

GOTTA FIND A FIREHOSE OF EXCITEMENT FOR ILLINOIZE BABEE!!!! (Shoots caffeine into eyeballs with aerosol injector)

All them towels gettin’ me excited. Too excited. Don’t look. Violates human resource codes. That’s off the record and no pictures. Gotta get new pants. Too much coach for the shorts. Excited!

SOOOOOOOO ENERGETIC!!!!! JUICE WILLIAMS AAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THE ZOOKER IS ROLLIN, BABEEEEE!!! IN THE ZOOOOOOOOK ZOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!

(Tears phone book in half, dips it in barrel of Ben-Gay, eats it, punches hole in wall and leaves.)

Most BAC charts only run up to the 240 pound range, meaning we’d actually have to do math to properly calculate just how many drinks 340ish pound, 6′ 8″ Phil Loadholt (immaculately named, no?) had to get a suspicion of DUI charge and an open container violation. Not even the OU Police Department’s BAC calculator goes above 240 pounds, meaning the law enforcement authorities of our nation apparently see those over this metric to be less of an enforcement problem, and perhaps something closer to an animal control issue.

Note, though, that the OU police calculator does include a dizzying array of drink options, including “Mint julep, fortified dessert wine, and Hairy Buffalo.” That’s a department firmly in touch with their constituency, there.

Loadholt, one half of the nation’s largest offensive line side, presumably went Bunyan, just grabbing the nearest water tower, pulling the top off like an old pop-top can, and pouring a tanker of industrial solvent into it while mixing with a flagpole. Sadly, while riding home atop a van driven by a dog in a vest and jaunty hat, he was pulled over and earned the Oklahoma Sooners two points in the Fulmer Cup.

(Don’t even attempt to say this is racist, since Grape Ape transcends all categories you care to try to box him in with, and because Phil Loadholt-a brilliant tackle who will make more money than we will ever see-really might be forty feet high.)

Clemson may be due for a reduction in points thanks to Larry Williams’ (who did a superb job detailing the complexities of the Ray Ray McElrathbey case) work finding a deposition by three witnesses that, from a quick glance, seems to turn what looked like a domestic violence case into an instance of a falsely accused footballer in a bad relationship.

I got up to see who it was and saw (name omitted) walking to her car (Camry), which was parked outside my window. I saw her laughing as she stated, “I’m just going to leave I know the law, my mom or relative has been working with that stuff for about 20-30 yrs, so I know I’m not going to be the one going to jail.”

I saw her continue to giggle as she got in her car and then she drove away.

Well-played, ma’am. We’re sure the other nine women out of ten who actually call the police for real injuries inflicted by genuine assholes intent on hurting women with physical violence genuinely appreciate your gamesmanship. The points stand for the moment, but they seem wobbly at best given the preponderance of testimony against the woman’s case at the moment. We’ll monitor and update.

Men and women are limited not by the place of their birth, not by the color of their skin, but by the size of their hope.

This edition of Mustache Wednesday brought to you by Euro 2008 and today’s match between Germany and Turkey.

Rudy Voeller for Germany:

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Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes the boys from Rock M Nation, SBN’s fine Missouri blog. They slang it like Chase Daniels delivering pizzas or footballs, since we all know he is really a 35 year old pizza deliveryman moonlighting as a brilliant spread qb.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Well, if you happen to take a gander at this scoreboard, it might be easy to assume that Mizzou’s 2008 season could be construed as a certain shade of orange. But after what many perceived to be a golden season last year, that hue has started to fade as the fan base turns their attention to business in 2008. This year, it’s all about black and white. 12 wins were a thing of beauty for a fan base in desperate need of some success and some national spotlight, but this year, expectations are set. Win the Big 12 and be a player on the national stage - no shades of grey. And, if you want to take it out of context and use another form of black and white, who am I to judge?

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Missouri: smoking, full of potential.

This was a tough one, but I’ll stick by present day Emerging China. Both China and the Missouri football team are having to get a feel for new found power and respect, and a lot of eyes are focused their way waiting to see how they conduct their business. In addition, no one is quite sure what to expect from them in the future.

Case in point:

“Anyone who gives a straight-line prediction about where China will be in 20 years is making it up.” — Heritage.org

Anyone who can give you a prediction on where the Mizzou football program will be in 20 years is hitting a Missouri pride point a little too hard. Plus, if Missouri is going to emerge, it wants to do it with the borders sealed, monopolizing on its own people (especially since Missouri lacks a major D1 school in-state with which to compete).

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Everyone should know the names Chase Daniel, Jeremy Maclin, and William Moore. All three are popping up on All-American lists across publications and Web sites everywhere. All three are important, and losing any of the three could be a devastating blow. (more…)

Human. Shocking.

Hayes on Weis in a well-rounded…um, “three-dimensional” profile of the coach:

“The biggest problem I have,” Weis says, “is people who don’t know me, who have never spoken to me, think I’m an asshole.”

Again, where this is a problem for a highly-paid coach, we don’t know. The difficult part in any perspective piece on a coach or player is the Uncertainty Principle, the fact that interviewing that person causes them to behave differently and force the bromides out of everyone around them, since no one’s going to stand up and say “God, that man is retarded and fond of barbecuing live ferrets for lunch.”

It does give some take a fair amount of brainpower, though, to hold two contradictory ideas in the head simultaneously. Weis might be an asshole to all but 14 people in this world; Mark Mangino might manage to have come up the hard way, worked two jobs for thirty years, been a dedicated father, and still wound up being loathed and feared by most people who have contact with him. It is a very real thing to assume being a real, live person means being complex, potentially unlikeable, or even likeable and an asshole simultaneously. With people being polymorphously perverse as they are, all of the above are possible, since being human often involves being complex, problematic, and difficult to understand.

Pardon the digression, though. We now return to the standard dynamic of worshiping athletes and coaches or hating them outright. Apologies for the interruption of service.

The most stunning event in the history of the Fulmer Cup places Alabama at the pinnacle of offseason feloniousness. Update brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and as tenacious as a Jimmy Johns pit bull.

Jimmy Johns’ monumental arrest for powdered cocaine distribution nets Alabama a mountain of points as powdery as Breckenridge in February and just as immovable. (more…)