You don’t need to know that. What? Whatever. Fans don’t need to know. Anything.

I thought we could get through this without this stuff without an issue. But if you really wanna know how we’re gonna deal with it? I mean, really? Fine. I’ll let you know how we’re gonna deal with it.

—John Parker Wilson’s gonna go to Bonnaroo. And when he does, he’s gonna get the bad acid. We’ll call it Lyme disease and get him a medical exemption. Don’t ask me where we got the idea. You don’t need to know that, either.

—Jimmy Johns will leave to pursue a religious calling. He’s gonna go find a trust fund in his name for $250K in Buenos Aires and then scream, “Praise Jesus!” The trick is: he’s got to walk there. It’ll take him years, but we’re all about the process here at Alabama. I told Jimmy to watch the crocodiles in the Isthmus of Panama. He’s a good kid. He might make it.

—I will pit two of Shula’s signees against each other, and place both in a circle. The circle will be outlined in flames. Two shall enter; none shall leave. Because I’m going to have a sniper shoot the winner, and it’s all gonna happen in slow motion, because this is MY PRISON MOVIE, I’M THE WARDEN, AND YOU’RE ALL DANCING NANCIES IN MY SHAWSHANK SCRIPT!!!!

I also have an announcement, yes, an announcement everyone: there is a horde of killer bees loose on campus, and they’re following Leigh Tiffin around campus. Why he’s covered with honey, I don’t know. That’s why I returned to the college game: for young people, and the crazy things they do, like walking in front of a masked man carring a honey sprayer and a basket full of killer bees on campus and not thinking, “Oh, my, what’s a man doing with a mask on and a gun that sprays honey and a basket labeled “KILLER BEES”, nope not suspicious at all.” Gotta love that about college kids.

I believe that takes care of five scholarships right there. I mean, we’re praying for Leigh to recover.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I don’t have time for this shit.

(HT: The Wiz.)