By the EDSBS staff.


We care, just like a tiger does: with their claws and teeth first.

Tennessee has a minor, eeny-tiny-bit of a discipline problem, and not the sort that professional paste-eater and push-door puller Mike Freeman suggests should end up in the firing of Phil Fulmer. (Mike: Tyler Durden IS the narrator!) Fire him for being only good to excellent, sure; we’ve seen that in the SEC before. Fire him for blackmailing Trace Adkins with incriminating gay sex photos into performing at his daughter’s birthday party. (Unsee that, dear reader, and you have achieved enlightenment. We just typed it, and will not eat for several days.) Fire him for picking up field mice and bopping them on the head, and then dipping them in panko crumbs, deep frying them, and eating them during film sessions.

Fire him for any of these, but not the juvenile aborted Liverventures™* most Vol players get arrested for these days. The Vols just need a special blend of caring, discipline, and caring discipline outlined below. Because we care. We really do. In that kind of foster kid kind of care, the one where you don’t buy them fresh produce, turn on the heat for them in the winter, or buy them clothes that fit.

Actin’ Straight with EDSBS: Vol-arity Edition.

1: Pat Summitt. This doesn’t even have to take longer than 15 minutes. Simply invite Pat over, have the winningest coach at Tennessee ever come to a Vol team meeting and then allow her to rip each of the Vols’ gridiron types a new, perfectly torn second asshole. Summitt is the kind of thin-lipped, wiry, kerosene-eyed women who drove schoolbuses in my childhood: very, very quiet schoolbuses. There were rumors one kid, once, had spoken, and that only a red mark the birds liked to pick at on the school driveway stood as testament to her wrath. The team would be a lot like that schoolbus for the next year, at least.

2. Hedge mazes outside dorm entrances. Bull your way through fifteen rows of thorny hedge without bleeding to death? Do I smell starting defense?

3. The ChastiT belt. Fierce, made of stainless steel. Adorned with picture of John Chavis on codpiece for extra contraceptive power.

4. Additional cash bonuses for good behavior.

5. Instituting of naptime, with mats and graham crackers, to cut down on violent behavior after dark. We’d even throw in a few of those boss blue and red nap mats done in custom orange and white. If successful, consider implementing stop-light code in team cafeteria during training table meals.

6. Waiver of delivery fee on pizzas, wings, whores. It adds up, and it would keep them in the dorm.

7. Super Nanny She could have them singing the cleanup song in no time. Bonus: being British, capable of drinking 320 pound men into under-table tears.

8. Reading “The Secret” to unlock the power of wishing for wealth instead of robbing convenience stores. That’s Louisville’s thing this year, anyway.

9. Installing court-ordered breathlocks on their legs. When you blow into them, if drunk, your legs cease to work. Tracy Morgan hasn’t walked in months due to this technology. If it can keep him home, it can keep anyone home.

10. Give them all mini-ponies to take care of to teach them responsibility. It’s a bit like the egg experiment in civics class, or the time your parents gave you a puppy to test your ability to take care of things. And once it was over and you’d sold the puppy to the Bolivian space program, didn’t you feel so much more adult?

Plus: on first sight, people’s mind will be blown. Is it a little horse, a really huge man…OR BOTH?

11. Endow Urban Studies Chair for Chamillionaire, allowing him to lecture players about his theories on “riding dirty” while “staying clean.” If we want Chamilitary men properly trained, then we need a proper Chamilitary academy to train them. The University of Tennessee is just begging to be this place.

12. Turn players onto new video game sensation Wiisault and Battery. Feloniis and misdemiinors were never so harmless as in Nintendo’s latest party classic for America’s favorite video game system.

13. To prevent dogfighting, channel their energies into alternate fighting rings. Siamese fighting fish are a good proxy, or even better: theater majors, who will fight with feeling so long as they “know where they’re supposed to be in the scene” and understand their motivation. (”Your motivation is the five thousand dollars at the top of that ladder, motherfucker. Go get it!”)

14. When all else fails: send them to Up With People. Yes, they still exist, and they can still wilt a good solid erection from fifty paces with the sound of their melodious unity.

It’s all an excuse to see Britton Colquitt dance around with streamers. But at least we’re admitting it.

*Our failed VH1 reality series pitch starring Anthony Haden-Guest, Mario Batali, and legendary guzzler Kofi Annan. We’re praying it gets picked up by Fuel.