February 20, 2025

WIKISMACK: GAMECOCK EDITION

We close the day by reminding you that if it’s written in Wikipedia, it must be true. As of 4:37 p.m., the Wikipedia entry for Williams-Brice Stadium, the home of the South Carolina Gamecocks, includes these two examples of ABSOLUTE INCONTROVERTIBLE SCIENTIFIC TRUTH as vetted by the rigorous standards of Wikipedia. Go.

One:

Carolina football teams consistently attract standing-room-only crowds to Williams-Brice Stadium, at least until halftime when the South Carolina faithful usually leave after watching the Gamecocks get trounced during the first thirty minutes of the game.

And, two:

It has been nicknamed “The Cockpit” by Gamecock fans and local media and “Death Valley South” by Clemson since the Tigers own the place, although both nicknames are unofficial. Steve Spurrier has suggested “The Barnyard” due to the stadium’s proximity to the State Farmers Market or “My Career’s Garveyard” due to his futility there.

And we wonder why our professors never accepted Wikipedia as a source. Stalin did have a fondness for butternut doughnuts, and invaded Poland just to get at their supply! Cher did record an album with DMX!
The substance mendelevium (corrected) is also great on salads! It’s in Wikipedia and that means it’s true!

Massive HT: ‘Fesser.

MUSTACHE WEDNESDAY: MEAN GENE

We can’t believe we haven’t gotten around to him yet, so without further ado…

Today’s Mustache Wednesday Mustache of the day: “Mean” Gene Okerlund.


Mean Gene: Lookin’ at ya, kids.

ADVERTISING INNOVATIONS FOR GREATER GOOD OF FOOTBALL NATION

If the problem is with longer and longer games, then the problem is not, by content, the games. It’s the commercials. We can’t demonize them, since they’re the fuel burning in the engine that dumps a positively sick amount of college football on our plate every Saturday and a few other days as well during the fall. We’re not commies: the only reason we’d encourage the government to get involved in college football would be to aim nuclear missiles at Tim Tebow just to watch them stop in mid-air and watch them all fall to the ground harmlessly.


“Is he doing the flying thing again?” “I hope so. He’s got no tailback to take the pressure off him.”

So we thought we’d offer up our own solutions-serious and “creative”-to the issue of selling additional in-game advertising without cutting clumsily into the game itself.

The sponsored half. The oldest idea in the book, and one that should be the easiest to implement. The icon of the sponsor in one corner of the screen; the announcer’s reminder every five minutes or so; and an introduction on the way in and a redo on the way out of the half. BLAMMO! Get one sponsor, or even better still, rotate multiple sponsors through the broadcast.

Utilize unused spaces for sponsors. Digital projection makes almost anything-up to and including the unbelievably tacky, FOX-ish projection of fake signs over real ones in stadiums-but judicious use of the technology by the big networks who can afford the technology only makes sense. (Especially for CBS, the most flagrant offender in the department of overlong broadcasts.)

The possibilities are truly endless. Just imagine… (more…)

WHO CARES MORE?

…Auburn does, baby: spring practice starts on February 28th. Leap year, baby-it’s like the chop block of the Gregorian calendar. BAM! Just freaks you all out.

TRAIN YOUR BABY LIKE THE SLAVE THEY ARE

Babies and video don’t seem to be a very good match: their vision sucks, they’re still surprised by their own flatulence, and they tend to start drooling when they get excited. In other words, they’re just like us, and that’s not good for learning anything besides the facial expressions denoting “repulsed” in others.

Team Baby Entertainment is the company that has the rights to the “Baby (Insert Team Name Here)” series, and they must have sent out a ton of offseason press releases at once, because news crews starving for fluff stories everywhere picked them up like mad over the past few months, resulting in this spate of videos.

First, the Baby Gator. Hey! I’ll shoot the first motherfucker who makes a jorts joke! Because you know, that NEVER gets old or inaccurate!

(For those with Youtube blocked, try this. It might work.)

“We’ve tried to get him excited about the Gators…by having him watch Daddy watch the game.” In our experience, this will only confirm the child’s inborn suspicion that Daddy suspects the child of being the spawn of another man, and like a Siberian Tiger will devour him, since Daddy spends most of the game screaming in a blind rage and committing invisible homicides in his head. “I wish this pillow was a KNIFE!, Bobby Bowden!”

Yes, the video would be the only thing to get little Junior to “take part in the fun!”

(more…)

CURIOUS INDEX, 2/20/08

Sylvester Croom says minority hires in college football have to get better, mostly because they can’t get any worse.

“But we do know this,” said Sylvester Croom, the head football coach at Mississippi State and one of eight minority head coaches among the 120 schools that play Division I-A football. “It has to help. It has to get better because it can’t get worse.”


Croom, telling the truth.

The article recapitulates a lot of what you may already know about the disparities between the number of black players and the number of black coaches in division one football, but it’s always fun to drive the knife home one more time.

The bottom line, said several officials, is this: In a sport where 54 percent of participants are African-American, having only 6.6 percent of its head coaching positions filled by minorities should be unacceptable to everybody.

The question again posed by the article is “why aren’t there more black hires?” And the answer is, depending on your degree of cynicism, is some form or side effect of racism.

Fulmer’s Belly institutes the John Adams Hate-O-Meter, because suddenly now everyone in the Tennessee blogosphere is running to Phil’s defense, save for this commenter so eloquent his comment on OuterMonvolia made Deadspin:

John Adams is your alls daddy and you all know it. So why hate?

If even Will Leitch is writing something about a college football story, it’s a bonafide kerfuffle, since Deadspin tends to regard college football as the sport of Cletussian heels too provincial to appreciate the pro game. Which, to some degree or another, we are.

SMQ’s counting and shit, and comes to somewhat similar conclusions about the new clock rules that Russell’s indomitable reason forced us into the other day:

The opportunity is there for a team that wants to exploit those extra seconds - a team with a lead, for example, or an outmanned team that wants to play keep-away with the opposing offense would have an incentive to milk it - but it probably won’t cost as many plays as the new out-of-bounds rule unless certain offenses really make a point of slowing it down on a regular basis.

The rules likely won’t pass anyway-at least that’s what we’re hearing-but a small, dorky, torch-bearing idealist with tinfoil haberdashery fully in place hopes the immediate nastiness greeting this rule on the internets helped doom them from the start if that’s really what happens. While we’re at it, that internet petition to save Firefly is going to take hold any day now!

Talla-classy. That’s how you say it. The urinals at Doak Campbell Stadium are, yes, Orange and Blue.

The line that draws Wetherell to athletics is obvious, given his past. Inside his box at Doak Campbell Stadium hangs a picture of the infamous Lane Fenner catch that was disallowed — a play that should have given FSU a victory against Florida in 1966. And inside the men’s room in the president’s box, the urinals are Gator blue and orange.

And that’s all well and good. For instance, whenever we eat Mexican food involving corn, our shit comes out a stunning garnet and gold color whether we like it or not, a natural metaphor both ironic and fitting. If anyone on the planet ever somehow manages to defecate blue and orange btw, they’ve either been doing some heinous Jelly Belly consumption, or they need to be quarantined and isolated in a medical facility immediately.

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