Nick Saban refers to Alabama’s two recent arrests as “a problem.” Phil Fulmer scoffs at you, Nick Saban, and wonders if you machine wash your panties separately with non-allergenic soap, or just give them a good hand-washing in the sink before they hit the drying rack.

Rutgers has magical mouthpieces that make them run faster. Swarms of earwax candle salesmen, Tahitian Noni Juice reps, naturopaths on the way to East Rutherford as we speak. The reason you didn’t make those tackles against West Virginia? Gluten allergies, man. And all those chemicals and shit. Thank Xenu for “bilateral electrical stimulation!”

Humanity!: the web site has testimony from one equestrian who testifies that not only did the mouthpiece improve her balance, but that it in turn made her “HOT” Arabian steed “looser and more fluid.” ATHLETES! FOR MAXIMUM PERFORMANCE AND ENHANCED MUSCULATURE IMMEDIATELY MAIL $1000 to SWINDLE INDUSTRIES, LLC!!! WE GUARANTEE “RESULTS!”*

Pete Carroll’s Facebook message: “Pete Carroll loves this SoCal weather…and it’s only February!” Pete Carroll’s life is in technicolor, and yours is still in black and white.

Call him Ming the Merciless ’cause he’s bleeding green: Dominique Douglas, freshly booted from Iowa football, shows you his impressive ability to compile cash on Facebook.

Douglas also makes the following unique claims that in addition to his ability to make large amounts of undocumented cash, he is also:

-Unbelievably virile.
-Will steal your chick if she’s a bad bitch.
-Carrying a gun, and not afraid to use it.
-Fearless.
-God-fearing, despite all the drama.
-Surrounded my loyal men who will not testify against him in court.

Curiously, if you check Ron Franklin’s professional resume, the ESPN announcer claims all of these as accomplishments, too.

Perhaps Kansas needs less nightlife. Kansas State running back James Johnson must have pissed someone off something surrious. Remember: stabbing = passion, and beating someone after stabbing them is passion plus a hellacious beating.

RCPD Lt. Kurt Moldrup said senior running back James Johnson allegedly was stabbed five times by Aaron Wallace, 26, of Kansas City, Kan., during a confrontation that began at a bar and continued at an after-party at 1752 Cassell Road. After the stabbing, a group of people at the house allegedly beat Wallace until he was unconscious, according to RCPD reports.

Johnson’s as OK as someone can be after being stabbed, then beaten, and then waking up and realizing they’re still in Kansas.

Um: Me fail English unpossible sorry: Wallace was beaten after stabbing Johnson. Reality interferes with joke again.

Because we need some pure, unstabbed lunacy this a.m. The Pharcyde and the Brand New Heavies + eight pounds of marijuana= us spraining an ankle dancing around the home office.

*Results may include jackshit and increased blogger happiness due to fat electronic goods and high-end liquor purchases.