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CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK IN FILM

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A COMPLETELY NEEDLESS PREVIEW

This weekend brings the culmination of the Football Bowl Subdivision’s regular season, with conference championship games across the board (as well as a smattering of replays or replacements for weather-scuttled games from earlier in the season).

We’re going to look at each of the Power 6 conference THAT’S RIGHT I SAID POWER SIX championships, through the prism of “what movie would this particular game be a plot device in”?

Let’s review.

TEXAS - OKLAHOMA: The Shootout

A gritty film in the mold of The Program or Any Given Sunday, we follow Texas coach Tom Herman (Mike O’Malley) as he struggles to get his team, a faded national power on the verge of a comeback, ready for a season-defining clash against hotshot young coach Lincoln Riley (a miscast Jude Law.)

OK COOL HOOK ‘EM

PREDICTION: It does well in syndication on TNT in a few years, and also Oklahoma 61-49.

WASHINGTON - UTAH: Husky Genes

A poorly-made indie film that attempts to channel the spirit of Wes Anderson, this attempts to follow Randall (Jason Schwartzman), a painter of miniature figures, as he pursues the romantic interest of Ingrid (Greta Gerwig), an animal rights activist who’s trying to free all live animal mascots.

HELLO, I AM THE PAC-12 CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

They end up at the Pac-12 Championship Game purely by accident, which is the only reason anyone will.

PREDICTION: Just like a Wes Anderson movie, 10,000 people will watch it and it will not have any bearing on the College Football Playoff.

Let’s say Washington wins 11-5. I don’t care.

CLEMSON - PITT: Charlotte Has Fallen

Terrorists have infiltrated the ACC Championship Game, and they’re threatening to destroy everything unless Pitt wins the game. The only man that stands between them is Charlotte cop Dirk Carolina (John Cena), who’s got to sneak onto the field as a Panthers player and try to win the game- all while haunted by memories of his own college career, which ended in heartbreak. The terrorist is Jared Leto, let’s say.

PUT PITT IN

PREDICTION: You know, if you watch the game on Saturday and pretend this is happening, it’ll add a layer of excitement. Also, Clemson 41-12.

CENTRAL FLORIDA - MEMPHIS: Highly Ranked

A stoner road trip comedy in which a group of Memphis students, led by head stoner Kyle “Dank” Dankersly (I don’t know any young actors, so we’ll say Dax Shepard), decide to make the trip from Memphis to Orlando for the game, having heard rumors that the Golden Knights mascot is actually full of weed.

HELLO I AM 23 IN THIS MOVIE

The movie’s climax comes when they realize they mapped to Disneyland, not Disney World, and they’re all hired as coordinators to turn around the USC football program.

PREDICTION: Memphis 26, UCF 21, and the movie’s very rewatchable

OHIO STATE - NORTHWESTERN: Walk-on My Heart

One of those movies where it’s billed as a sports movie but it’s actually a romatic comedy, like Bull Durham or For Love of the Game? Anyways, Medill student Karen (Amanda Bynes in a comeback role) falls for Medill student Gabe (Zac Efron), who stuns their whole Medill class by walking on to the Northwestern football team, becoming the subject of award-winning journalism rather than the producer of it. Karen loves him, but she refuses to see him any more because of her deep commitment to journalistic ethics.

It’s very sad until the climactic scene, where she runs onto the field and apologizes, and he proposes to her right before he’s to kick a last-second field goal for the Wildcats. He makes the field goal, and the Buckeyes win 38-6.

PREDICTION: This movie was only funded through a generous tax break from the Indianapolis board of tourism.

ALABAMA-GEORGIA: Fever Pitch

Remember when they took a Nick Hornby book/movie about his devotion to English Premier League football team Arsenal, but turned it into a Jimmy Fallon vehicle about the Red Sox?

Well guess what, they’re remaking it again. This time, it follows a devoted fan of the Georgia Bulldogs, hoping his team can finally overcome the hated Alabama Crimson Tide.

The Georgia fan is also played by Jimmy Fallon. He does a “southern accent” that sounds like a Bostonian after dental anesthesia.

WHO’S THAT CAHMIN DOWN THAH TRACK IT’S A WICKED FAHKIN’ MACHINE IN RED AND BLACK

PREDICTION: I’m not gonna like it but I’m gonna watch it, which is also how I feel about Alabama winning 52-31.