Continuing what has turned into the "EDSBS Offseason Guide to Alcoholism" - the US really has a pretty limited number of commonly consumed liquors. Whiskey, Whisky, Vodka, Rum, Tequila. That's pretty much it. Yeah sure, there's a lot of other stuff on the liquor stoor back shelf depending on the nationality of the owner ... but who really drinks those?
You, that's who's going to drink those.
You know why? Because people in other parts of the world have been trying to hide the pain of their lives for generations, just like you are seeking to do, our brave liquor store patron. If you are going to descend into the madness of the drinks that your great grandfather cut his teeth on back in the old country though, it helps to go in informed.
Baijiu
What it is: Baijiu is the most produced and consumed liquor in the world. In it's most basic form it is a clear tasteless liquor distilled from rice or sorghum in China and bottled at a high proof. Like most liquors it ranges from the high end (such as the ones made in the Maotai region) to the home distilled gut rot - but in general it leans much closer to the very cheap than the very high end. If you want to get very, very drunk and do it very, very fast ... this is what you go for.
Proof: Baijiu is normally bottled at a skull crushing and tongue numbing 100-130 proof
Taste: Rocket Fuel. Baijiu is the Ray Lewis of alcohols - it's not even trying to hide it's intention to rip your fucking head off
Cost: $10+ ... pretty easy to find in the US at any Chinese specialty store or liquor store owned by Chinese
Graphic representation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOGB57Vfa6k
Tailgate application: My friend in college called drinking baijiu "riding the dragon" ... if your team just lost horribly and the idea of daring death by walking the wrong way through traffic sounds like a good idea at the moment, this is the drink for you. Straight up, no ice and there's no reason to ever mix it. Heck, there's no reason to ever pour it into a glass.
Advocaat
What it is: Brandy which has been thickened with sugar and egg yolks to the consistency of a runny custard. It's a breakfast or desert liquor generally mixed into cocktails like the bombardino, which will be instantly familiar to anyone who has spent time in the Alps. If you can find the thicker kinds, you can use it as a topping for waffles or filling for crepes at breakfast - a great way to start a morning.
Proof: Generally fairly low proof - 30 to 40. Enough alcohol so you know it's there, but it's not going to leave you wondering why you can't feel your face
Taste: Sweet and custardy, with a bit of brandy. If Hemmingway ate custard, he'd have had his taste like this.
Cost: $15-$20, commonly available at any decent US liquor store
Tailgate application: For 11am "Pam Ward Specials" in Big10 country, make bombardino cocktails with breakfast. Take a coffee cup, fill it 2/3rd with heated advocaat (never boiled, obviously) and then fill the final 1/3 with heavy whipped cream.
Pisco
What it is: Pisco is very similar to grappa - a flame throwing grape based liquor made in the wine regions of Chile and Peru. If you happen to meet a native of either of those nations, just agree with them that Pisco really comes from wherever their home is - there's strong feelings about the origins.
Proof: 80-100 proof. There's no point in having firewater without the fire part. Pisco won't disappoint there.
Taste: Alcohol, with a fruity/nutty undertone. Make no mistake though- if you're drinking Pisco straight it's because you want to tilt with windmills and talk to animals later in the night, not because you are sipping your way to a mellow buzz.
Cost: $25-$60 for decent brands. Can be found in areas that cater to South American populations, but probably not widely available in the US.
Tailgate application: On hot afternoons, make pisco sours. 2 parts pisco, 1 part lime juice, 1 part simple syrup and a dash of bitters. Mix with a fresh whipped egg white.
Lambanog
What it is: Lambanog is coconut moonshine from the Phillipines. It's actually even worse than that description makes it sound. But never fear, there are many extremely cheap flavored varieties like the bubblegum and peppermint "ORGY" brand in the picture.
Proof: 80-100 proof
Taste: There are some high end lambanog brands that are trying to get a foothold in the LA club scene and the like. Supposedly they are pretty good. I've never had. The stuff that people in the Phillipines actually drink might as well be coconut flavored gasoline - it's fucking awful. And then there's the flavored versions, which taste like 100 proof kool-aid.
Cost: $5 and up. Lambanog is really cheap. Probably difficult to find in the US outside of the west coast.
Tailgate application: Sorority girls and bubblegum flavored alcohol. There's a reason it's named "ORGY".