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CURIOUS INDEX, 2/5/2010

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Review of this memo: He's both running this bitch and stickin' in this bitch, and we will repeat it as many times as necessary. A fine antidote to a miserable, rainy morning is to just follow the advice of our moonshine-injecting friends over at Smoking Musket, have a cocktail to take the edge off this morning, and fry up some badger sausage while letting the smooth flavor of a Robert Sands highlight reel wash over our eyes and soul. (Audio NSFW, because as the header hints, Sands is both up in this bitch, runnin' this bitch, and stickin' this bitch.) 

Sands is going to be a 6' 6" junior safety in a 3-3-5 where no one ever knows where you are in a conference where people aren't very good at throwing the ball. Have fun, Big Angry Tree Falling On Big East Receivers.It's Superman, and it's going to hurt.

Doc Tressel WILL SPIT GAME FOR MILES. Doc Tressel

actually sent this email to Seantrel Henderson's father on behalf of Ohio State. 

"That was a Grammy performance made me think of u! After u did that rhyme 4 me in Dec u said u felt best bout the Buckeyes. The Bucks hbe not changed!! We want u to be down here ovr spr break to learn more bout Columbus. Doc"

Henderson, Sr. is an aspiring rap artist, and his son is potentially famous and wealthy football player. This will all end well and everyone will recall this with a great sense of accomplishment. Sometimes you type things you don't mean for semi-satirical effect. 

The Awl Gets Their Big Man Love On. This may be one of the most beautiful passages ever written about offensive lineman. Let us join together for mansome hugs and behold its majesty. 

Bodies like an oil drum stacked atop another oil drum with another oil drum atop that; no fashion looks good on them. Thighs thicker than waists; no pants fit properly. Calves like two-gallon milk jugs. A sport coat is an absurd waste of a cotton field. Offensive lineman—especially great offensive linemen—are freaks of nature towering the height of some NBA players but with muscle on top of muscle on top of bone the thickness of baseball bats, and then some fat padding atop that. Banana Republic, J. Crew, Express—their cuts are hopeless. When one can even find a stylish size 46 (or 56) jacket, the arms are too narrow. Shopping at H&M is an absurd farce for any proper guard, tackle or center. Skinny jeans and the hipster aesthetic are a conspiracy against people who can lift their own body weight straight up over their heads, and then do it again.

/wipes away tears

/hands out whole pizzas all around

/cancels running drills for the day

Dancing Your Ass To Jail. Randall Hill, the one man Soul Train line behind the NCAA's excessive celebration rule, will be part of a US Customs unit working to bust merchants selling counterfeit goods in Miami for the Super Bowl. It will be the most festive arrest of your life, and that is a guarantee far more solid than any of Enzyte's Jimmy Johnson-approved guarantees. HINT! It's yohimbe, and if you take it, you will end up annoying the hell out of your partner after an hour or two of fun and masturbating to soft core porn on the couch alone at two in the morning swearing never to take the shit again. 

Central Arkansas Said No. In BHGP's roundup, you will find the fine case of a recruit that Central Arkansas declined to offer, but Illinois did, and that's really all you need to know about Illinois' bad, bad, bad recruiting class that will doom them forever.