I've only been to New Mexico once, skiing in Taos for a week, where the blues are blacks, blacks are double blacks, and double blacks are cliffs you jump off of for sport. Your sense of self-preservation is severely tested at Taos, and needless to say, the mountain beat me that week. This Saturday, I'd rather jump off said cliffs in Taos than witness the epic tilt that will be winless New Mexico at winless New Mexico State.

This weeks Fail Rankings couldn't paint a better picture of this match-up.

For 3 solid weeks, the Lobos have been winning/losing this race to ultimate on-field DERP. On average, UNM can only advance the ball 20.9 yards before they a) turn it over b) punt c) fail to convert. In other words, the only hope they have of scoring is if they start their drive just outside of the red zone. In contrast, NMSU is far more potent on offense, as they can handle a MASSIVE 8.4 yard buffer in which to operate. 8.4 yards TO VICTORY, AGGIES.

On to rankings that matter...

ALABAMA HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Almost double Oregon in Gap, Alabama's defense forces their opponents to travel nearly 3 times further to score a point than their offense requires. (Thank you, Mr. Addazio.)

Points Per Play ranking paints a similar picture.

PICKS

I was 4-1 last week. Yay. (Also, I hate you, Jerrod Johnson. Still need to figure out how to calculate when your QB is going to make a retarded play...)

Thursday Night! Nebraska (-11.5) at Kansas State

Nebraska: 3.354 PPP, 9.0 Gap

Kansas State: 1.776 PPP, 5.4 Gap

For the second week in a row, this will be my first time watching both of these teams, so in a blind pick I'll assume Bo Pelini will chew massive amounts of gum on the sideline while the Huskers roll.

Michigan State at Michigan (-4.5)

Michigan State: 2.160 PPP, 4.9 Gap

Michigan: 1.776 PPP, 3.4

Michigan State has a functioning defense, something UM lacks, but can they stop Denard Robinson? I personally don't think so, but it might not matter if the Spartans can keep scoring. Michigan State in a close one.

Alabama (-6.5) at South Carolina

Alabama: 4.214 PPP, 20.2 Gap

South Carolina: 1.764 PPP, 7.5 Gap

12.7 Gap delta will make Spurrier look like the dummy. Crimson Tide FTW.

FSU at Miami (FL) (-6.5)

FSU: 2.402 PPP, 6.7 Gap

Miami (FL): 2.071 PPP, 6.4 Gap

FSU to beat Miami and prove that a) no one cares about this game anymore and b) neither team is "back" nor will be for a long, long time.

LSU at Florida (-6.5)

LSU: 1.930 PPP, 6.5 Gap

Florida: 1.659 PPP, 5.7 Gap

Oh god. This game.

I'm starting to bleed from the ears trying to imagine what could possibly happen. If I pick LSU, will I be cursed with the ability to know exactly how and when everyone I touch will die? If these numbers hold true, will I have cracked Les Miles' incomprehensible code, proving that he's some sort of Manchurian candidate, determined to drive us all crazy, thus weakening our resistance to a foreign invasion? God help me.