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INTELLIGENCE REPORT: WEEK EIGHT

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A collection of un-random weather and injury information possibly relevant to football related events this weekend.

--Florida will likely play without LB Brandon Spikes, DL Brandon Marsh, and DL Jaye Howard for the Mississippi State game. Weather will be lovely, clear and sunny with a high of 65 during the day while dipping to a chilly 38 at night. The kick is at 7:30. None of this sounds ominous to any of you, right? (Ignores huge sword hung over head...)

--The track tomorrow for Georgia Tech at Virginia will be a muddy one, meaning they'll have to put the special horseshoes on Jonathan Dwyer. Don't mind all the whinnying he's making; the vets assure us he has no sensation in his feet whatsoever, and that the nails cause him no pain at all.

--Boston College and Notre Dame will play with a 50% chance of precipitation.

Jimmy Clausen's bald spot is therefore questionable for the game, and will be a gametime decision. Frank Spaziani's Scotch-Guarded mustache, however, is fierce in all weathers and has been climate-tested to -34 degrees Fahrenheit.

--Joe Paterno's gonna have some eggs for breakfast. What, they're eggs! They're good. Eggs.

--West Virginia quarterback Jarrett Brown, sidelined after a hellacious hit to the heat by Marshall, will be a game-time decision according to coach/folksy teller of tales Bill Stewart. The test will be administered pregame in accordance with the Jamarcus Russell "C is for [BLANK]" test. If he passes, he will be given a cookie and allowed to play.

--Temperatures in LA will be perfect as usual, you spoiled dicks.

--Jeremiah Masoli, Oregon QB, is "day-to-day," which is probably just Chip Kelly's cute way of saying "he's practiced every day this week and is going to play" against Washington.

--Temperatures will be in the forties and will fall to the mid 30s for the kick in Provo for the BYU/TCU game. Bundle up, Cougars. (But not too close, because you'll think unclean thoughts.) TCU fans, you go right ahead and enjoy a third quarter handjob, because it's cool as long as you check in with the management afterwards. Protestantism, FTW!

--Sam Bradford will be wearing a Brett Favre Vikings jersey and pacing back and forth in half-dress on the Oklahoma sideline deciding whether to get surgery or not. The forecast in Kansas is for a blood rain for four quarters, but only on Kansas's half of the field. It will be a pleasant blood rain, however, with a low of 46. Nothing dampens the spirit like a freezing blood rain.

--Michigan RB Brandon Minor is listed as "probable" against Penn State, meaning in this case that he's 100%. Injury reports are like poetry that moves money on betting lines: open to interpretation forever.

--Everyone on the entire Miami Hurricanes roster is "probable," and in a neat wiggle of the pen, they're listed strictly by "upper extremity" or "lower extremity." It would be childish to read all of the "lower extremity" as penis injuries, but we do just that because it makes us giggle.

RB Graig Cooper - Lower Extremity

OL Joel Figueroa - Lower Extremity

DL Josh Holmes - Lower Extremity

RB Javarris James - Lower Extremity

RB Mike James - Lower Extremity

WR Aldarius Johnson - Upper Extremity

DL Eric Moncur - Lower Extremity

DB JoJo Nicolas - Upper Extremity

DB Randy Phillips - Upper Extremity

Out

FB Patrick Hill - Lower Extremity

Surgery and Out fo outr the Season

DL Dyron Dye - Lower Extremity

DL Marcus Forston - Lower Extremity

LB Jordan Futch - Lower Extremity

TE Richard Gordon - Upper Extremity

LB Shayon Green - Lower Extremity

DE Gavin Hardin - Upper Extremity

DB Ryan Hill - Upper Extremity

DE Adewale Ojomo - Jaw

That's all, though. When people look back on this season and see a loss to Clemson, time will have long forgotten the rash of penis-related injuries affecting the brave 2009 Miami Hurricanes. The weather for the game will be in the mid-eighties with a 40% forecast for rain and a 100% forecast for HOSTILE AND SEXY. (Because it's Miami, bitch.)