Stafon Johnson: Critical, but Improving. That is the condition of Stafon Johnson, USC running back who dropped a barbell on his throat yesterday in the Trojans' training facility. You might wonder what happens to someone's throat when you drop whatever heinous amount of weight Johnson was lifting on it. The answer: You have to have your larynx realigned. This sounds like the textbook definition of the opposite of fun.
"It's nice to just hear the sound of his voice." Oh, the dulcet tones of Sam Bradford's voice, soundwaves that have been proven to enhance the chance of multiple touchdowns being thrown rapidly and confidently in all directions: Oklahoma's practice sessions yesterday had them. Bradford threw, Stoops demurred on any decision, and linemen hesitated in agonized confusion between their love for the clean-cut Bradford, and the new and intense feelings they have for the dark, mustachioed man who just walked into their life.
Press conference fun, Vol 1: The "Oh, Shit" screen. Nick Saban has a name for that play:
"In football terms — am I allowed to say this — that play is called the ‘Oh, s---’ screen because every time you see it coming and you’re standing on the sidelines, you go, ‘Oh …’ I don’t want to offend anybody, but I said it today.
That may be a negative play making your coach very angry, but it beats the "oh fuck" nine route, the "goddamn shitballs" slant, and our favorite, the "I'm so angry about this I'm actually going to assault you and punch you in the face" offensive meltdown.
Press conference fun, Vol. 2: Sir, we have a hammer if you need one. Pat Fitzgerald has become a much more entertaining coach since his voice changed. He's even better when his team loses:
"Well, the tape doesn’t lie. I was done watching our (Minnesota) game before I was done watching the Notre Dame-Purdue (night) game. I can come back and watch it again and then watch it again, but I’d rather take a ballpeen hammer to my temple, you know?"
His secretaries and coaches have taken the brunt of the Fitz-storm, though he gave reporters some of it. Either that, or he began talking in ALL CAPS:
"We broke a single-game missed-tackle record on our kickoff team on Saturday. I don’t have a solution for that besides TACKLE THE GUY WITH THE BALL."
Ma-ma-ma-MAAAA-MAAAA. He's really old, and he smells like mold. Go to the player, hit the third track, and DANCE DANCE DANCE.