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CURIOUS INDEX, 8/25/2009

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Blip. Shame about that. Blip. You might want to check your ACL after that. Blip. Noel Devine. Torn ACLs. Blip. Three feet to the right and farting lighting in your general direction. Blip. Blocking is a really an ironic exercise my offensive line does in order to keep themselves amused. Blip.

Blip. Offense progressing. Blip. Will have to carry defense still working on depth. Blip. That juke just impregnated your girlfriend. Will be born in four and a half months not nine. Blip. Twice as fast as other people. Blip. Courtesy of Smoking Musket. Blip.

My weaknesses? Probably that I work too hard. Tim Tebow is back in practice, and marking his territory by headbutting people like the big, rowdy Baby Rhino he is. He also is familiar with the classic answer to the interview question "what are your weaknesses?":

Tebow returned to practice Monday, getting back to "head-butting people," after missing some repetitions last week because of a sore lower back.

How did Tebow injure himself?

"Probably overworking, like I do everything," Tebow said.

It beats "I sometimes have a hard time focusing when I become sexually aroused at work, because a it takes a lot of blood to fill up a love zeppelin like mine." Try it when you're interviewing with the family business after graduation: Mom will love it!

Cromptonites, rejoice. Jonathan Crompton will be your 2009 Tennessee starter, there will be no rotation of quarterbacks, and he will have to throw to himself. On the West Coast, Kevin Riley was quietly named the starter at Cal, beating out 6' 5", 231 pound Brock Mansion for the job. Mansion coped with the disappointment by flying off in his gold helicopter and weeping into a handkerchief made of threaded platinum while his harem of supermodels watched in grieving sympathy. Both will work with former Utah offensive coordinator Andy Ludwig this year, who Utah fans miss with all their heart waved at and said, "yeah, dude, um...later."

Harsh. Players at South Carolina will now have a punishing 2 am curfew, but Spurrier's best enforcer of team discipline may be wearing a black "ENFORCEMENT" t-shirt and eyeing your ID suspiciously at the door in Columbia nightclubs. The bouncer who put a red flesh-egg where Clifton Geathers' right eye used to be is still loose in Columbia. Geathers is 6' 8" and 281 pounds. Unless there's a 7 foot tall 300 pound Sasquatch working the door at Club Ice, someone's wearing the pointy hat of the Asskick Pope today in the 803.

Big Ball O'FAIL. If you're surprised that a 53 year old radio and television man doesn't like bloggers and can be out-debated by a Paul Finebaum caller handily, then you also will believe this CELINE DION HAS A HORSECOCK OMG!!!