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CURIOUS INDEX, 8/12/09

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Beast Mode, Given a Year to Season. Don't look at it as a season-ending knee injury. Instead, think of it as rationing out the finite number of concussion-dealing hits Darren Evans can deal out over another season of college football.

Evans will miss the season due to a blown jukin' belt in his knee, the kind of thing the football gods do to keep mortals humble, preseason polls fluid, and Vegas gamblers scrambling to the line like a pack of dogs chasing a garbage truck. Sophomore Josh Oglesby has carried the ball in college competition. The other Tech running backs cannot say that, though freshman David Wilson did show Canada whatfor in the World Championships. Suck it, fatbackers! U-S-A! U-S-A!

One of these things from Media Day is true: Tim Tebow uses Chanel for Men because he likes it's lemony, shower-clean scent with a hint of femininity! Jon Bostic plays the "Ambush" position not only on special teams, but in unmentionable dorm games involving girlfriends of other players caught in flagrante delictoby Bostic and his amazing webcam! Brian White just loves talking about going 0-12 at Syracuse! Tim Tebow's break tackles rating in NCAA 2010 is YESVERYMUCHPLZ! Reporters were forced to pee sitting down if Brandon Spikes walked into the men's room while they were there! Everyone wants to be on special teams!

Premiere phatback, intact. Jonathan Dwyer, one of college football's few genuine generously proportioned bowling ball backs in the making, is fine after tweaking his hip flexor in practice. If Bill Cowher were still coaching in the NFL, he'd be secretly sending Dwyer pizza and weight gain shakes in order to beef him up for the Steelers backfield, since Dwyer, while trim now, has the potential to get into pad-shattering range bodywise if you've seen him up close. He also runs like a pit bull chasing a toddler covered in bacon, so there's that, too.

Schnellenberger's just glad someone's got some sense in this place. Of all the stories about ESPN having Florida Atlantic as one of Bruce Feldman's picks in the title game for a few hours on ESPN.com, this has the finest photoshoppery of all. Schnellenberger appreciates the vote, but is really just focused on winning the Big 8 or whatever the hell conference he's coaching in now. Pass him that cravat and do it snappily, Buxtable--it's filled with bathtub gin and hope.

We weren't aware that there were 100 types of UCLA fans, but being totally ignorant of West Coast football as we are, this isn't surprising. We can offer a much simpler companion volume for South Carolina fans. There are two types: those whose breath stuns waterfowl at 400 yards on gameday, and those who are already passed out. We hope this contributes another footnote into the master volume of college football fanthropology.