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CURIOUS INDEX, 7/20/2009

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Practically leaking liquid charisma. Lou Holtz, drooling at the thought of that tasty, free post-College Hall of Fame buffet. Just let the disturbing visage of Holtz's lips wriggling away hypnotize you until you see the full shot of clear something he's been hiding in his cheeks for the winter fall out of his mouth.

Among those joining Holtz was Gator linebacker Wilber Marshall, the player Archie Manning swore hit him harder than any player ever. Archie Manning was sacked 3,287,371 times in his career, and all of them were horrible, because Archie Manning had the mobility of a state historical marker, and is to sack rating what Robert Parker is to wine reviews. Marshall hit with a peppery spice and hints of collarbone fracture, with a savory, bold, and unforgettable aftertaste reminiscent of a late-night, high-impact encounter between a moose and a semi on a rural Montana highway. 94.

Update: We are being roundly pummeled for confusing Manning's lack of protection with immobility. Apologies: we should have said, "Manning had the ability to scramble well, but played with as much protection as Travis Henry on holiday." Fixed.

No, Yakety Sax was not playing. In an ideal world, he would have fallen through the ceiling of Das Festhaus and directly onto a bench and into a seated position gripping an immense beer, or at least fallen onto the back of a giraffe who then took him on a zany but amusing gallop around Busch Gardens. Maikon Bonani, USF's kicker, instead fell 35 feet from the Skyride at Busch Gardens after checking an unlocked door while working as an attendant on the ride, fracturing the 12th thoracic vertebra in his spine and prompting a review of all safety procedures at Busch Gardens. In other news, there are safety procedures at Busch Gardens, where we used to lean over the rail and pet dozing alligators in high school.

Submit your questions now: Ours truly will be in Birmingham for SEC Media Days. We'll attempt to ask ridiculous questions of highly paid football coaches, provided we get a few noontime Switzers down the gullet in time to muster the courage to ask Nick Saban "Which member of the Entourage cast are you, brah?" [/puts out fist for bump even though we are 45 feet away from Saban]

Charged with Misdemeanor Somethingsomething. Mississippi State running back Anthony Dixon has been arrested for...something. Points to be assessed as soon as we get those frilly things like facts, dates, numbers, etc.

The counter to misdirection is direction. So if Tennessee's working on resisting misdirection, then you'll just have to use the old "direction" ploy, Kato.