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Dear President Machen,

It's very noble that you think you're trying to save lives. Really, it is. We admire that. Every day, we see people run over by careless drivers, shot by hooligans, and barbecued by roving cannibals on our streets and do nothing about it. In fact, sometimes the thought of "Why don't I stop and do anything about it?" pops into our head as we're enjoying a well-cooked slice of one of the unfortunate victims slathered in a rich, tangy barbecue sauce. Where is our Dark Knight, we ask?

Answer: you, Bernie Machen, who sees what other people don't see in two Florida students falling down stairs and off a parking garage: a plague! A trend, a connection between your curious distaste for demon rum and another University of Florida-related event, another chance to protect people from themselves. Kudos to you for stepping in again to protect people from themselves.

What we're asking is that you take care of the most serious threat at Florida games:The Bastard Sun.


Are you aware that there's something on fire right up there? And that this thing can give you cancer? Now what if I told you that it was going to appear at every single day game Florida plays this year. You'd do something, right? Especially with that many lives at risk? WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, BERNIE MACHEN??? Did you not hear that it's on fire RIGHT NOW?

Wait, let's try this: sometimes the sun, which is on fire all the time, makes people hot, and then they get thirsty, and...wait for it....wait....they start drinking alcohol.

Look at him run! That's one nimble dentist there.