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CURIOUS INDEX, 3/24/2009

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SUPAH-STAH! Nick Saban was livid after the second day of practice in Tuscaloosa.

The Crimson Tide lacked focus, took criticism too personally, failed to put on that perfume Nick likes so much, and generally embarrassed him in front of the district sales reps for the Southeast like he'd never been embarrassed before. This includes the fans:

"Do I think we have a cultural problem here in terms of expectation and all that stuff? Absolutely. I mean, I love our fans. I think we have the best fans in the world, but we've got an issue with that.

To remind you of Nick Saban's supreme testicularity: that is an Alabama coach attempting to rein in the Crimson Tide fanbase and their astronomical expectations, but doing it from a position of authority, and without poor-mouthing around it. The palace green will be mowed promptly by 8 a.m. every morning, or more gardeners will be shot.

Name-dropper. In the midst of discussing Notre Dame's switch to a 4-3 and some depth chart shuffling, Charlie Weis wanted to remind everyone that he was going to be coaching from the field, and that this was confirmed by people he just happens to be very close personal friends with:

"My intent is to coach the game from the field," he said. "That is my intent. Okay? As (Bill) Parcells said years ago, I reserve the right to change my mind, but that is my intent. I talked to people at the collegiate level and pro level, from Andy Reid right on down. By a very, very large majority, almost everyone I talked to were overwhelming thinking I was thinking way outside the box."

I know people! IMPORTANT people! FAT MISERABLE IMPORTANT people. People so fat and sleep-deprived they just want to DIE and got to a heaven filled with MARMELADE AND GRAVY FOUNTAINS. I know people who coach PROFESSIONAL football, not this rinky-dink diapered nanny daycare shit. Why oh why couldn't I have a real job like coaching the Browns, or even the Bucs? Bill Parcells Bill Parcells Bill Parcells. Oh, and watch your ass, Jimmy.

Purrctice. Murrahland also starts practice today. Hey, Chris Turner's a senior in the Ralph Friedgen offense. This used to mean something significant. Also of great ambiguity and mystery: Mississippi State opens their first practices with only two coaches taken as holdovers in the great de-Croomification of 2008.

ACLs don't come in easy-to-use shrink wrap. Rich Rodriguez will not be participating in the alumni flag football game for Michigan, both because he is not an alum, and because he says he and his coaches, despite their best efforts, are still beslathered with road weight from recruiting season. Mark Richt freely admits to gaining somewhere around 15 pounds during recruiting season from all the barbecue and hearty politico-style feasting. March is not the sexiest time to be a coach's wife.

Metaphors are easy. 29 degrees, rainy, shitty, gray, misery: It's football time in Syracuse, NY!