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CURIOUS INDEX, 12/14/08

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Saban LOL. Every person in the entire universe thinks this is a terrible deplorable horrible idea with zero merit except for Nick Saban and Kirk Herbstreit. Herbstreit said "I know Gene Chizik," and right after that our brain's pablum filter shut out the rest of what he said other than to note that it was both positive and devoid of any real analytical value. (Even the polite tea-party rule-knowing Barnhart says thinks the timing "looks pretty bad.")

Nick Saban, the state of Alabama is yours. He see what he like and he like what he take. In the meantime: CHIZZZZZAAAAAAACKKKK!!! GEEAAAAHHHNNNNN CHIIZZZZAAAAAACKK!!!!

Chizik leaves Iowa State with a 5-19 record, two recently "reassigned" coordinators in the dust, and sad piles of worthless Chizik-nickels.

The Heisman, crap; you, not so much. The award which only went to a defensive player once remains total shit in terms of validity in its mission: determining the most outstanding player in all of college football. If Football Jesus didn't win it, then it's dead to us forever. (Vince Young, but the follies are now decades deep, and a damning indictment of mass-decision making if we've ever seen one. Well, that and the Auburn coaching search.)

Sam Bradford seemed genuinely moved, though, to win the award, and took it with grace and humility. Good on you for that. Now, let's not talk about it again until we have to, because we're supposed to want to see him broken upon the wheel in a month in Miami, and we like our rivalries to be Manichean affairs without shade or subtlety. (Frank Miller of 300 not Dark Knight Returns Frank Miller, please.)

You'll be tattered, torn and hurten once the Munce is done with you......or you're done with the Munce. Brady Hoke becomes only the next in a line of a thousand young men or more to ditch the down-home comforts of Muncie for the glitz, glam, and shamwow of the West Coast, taking the job at San Diego State and ditching dowdy but loyal ol' Ball State in the process. When you come back home with little to show for your attempt at stardom but highlights in your hair and only a scorching case of Tijuana herpes and five dollars in your pocket, she might take you back, provided you say you're sorry and then seek the help of a medical professional.

Hey, dad. Here's a million bucks. Monte Kiffin will earn a million a year as the defensive coach of a team that ranked fourth in the nation in total defense last year. Good to see need dictating budget allocation at Tennessee. ECONOMICS FAIL.

You might cramp Chris Rainey's poon-finger. No autographs, please, for Florida during bowl season. This is really for Tim Tebow, and by autographs they mean "faith healings." Dr. House will get to the bottom of this, expose your lies, Tim Tebow, and will then reflect on his achievements in a meaningful, solitary moment set to a semi-popular song at the end of each episode.