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"Aggressive" coaching=profanity. Tony Franklin, ever the shy and retiring lily of a man, finally decided after two whole weeks to tell his side of the story. It turns out he was just too darn aggressive for those genteel offensive types at Auburn, what with his heartfelt aggression and MAD GENYUS COCHIN' SKEEME, and that it just didn't work out.

Also, there was no fight on the way out, and that the mark on his head featured in fan-fiction across the internet could not possibly have been the result of being altercated.

"I have a huge hole in my head from when i had cancer when i was 23 years old," he said. "That's the only mark that I have. I'm 51. I can't altercate anybody."

Franklin also said Tuberville was "hands-off" with his offense. Imagine that. It doesn't show on the field.

Everything is wrong about this piece. Read only if you want one of the stranger indications of the collapse of Western Civilization.

One and a half arms will do, thank you. Cincinnati QB Tony Pike fell yesterday in practice and felt no pain in his left arm, which is really, really awesome, considering it's broken and has pins in it. One and a half arms is all a quarterback needs, really.

Tartt-ed up. Jim Tartt, Florida senior lineman, will miss another game with his jacked-up shoulder, which keeps him out for Kentucky, but may get him operational for the Georgia game. Emmanuel Moody is slightly better, and merely doubtful for the Kentucky game, though Urban Meyer says he "may see some reps." Demps and Rainey, the midget quarkbacks, are both present and accounted for, meaning more Quantum Wing offense from Florida. (Werner von Heisenberg is not complaining.)