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CORRECTIONS 4/11/08

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Mistakes: we make 'em. The corrections for the week of 4/11/08 follow.

Serbian, not Macedonian.


In a news bulletin last Monday,
we stated that Penn State head coach Joe Paterno has retained the services of a Madeconian organized crime enforcer, Anton Yiminev, to ensure his players adhere to strict disciplinary guidelines for the remainder of the offseason. Mister Yiminev is from Serbia. We regret the error.

On Tuesday, we covered the story of a tiny stray dog named Winkie. Winkie was found under an overpass, encrusted with filth and malnourished to a frightening degree. Winkie has also lost a leg, was frightened of thunder, and demonstrated stress-related incontinence and heartworm. EDSBS apologizes for misidentifying Winkie, whose actual name is "The Temple Football Program." We regret the error.

Texas DC Will Muschamp was quoted Wednesday as telling straggling safeties their tears tasted "like hot buttered taffy." Mr. Muschamp's assertion was, in fact, that the tears tasted "like hot buttered titties." We regret the error.

On Tuesday, We referred to the founding date
of the University of Kansas as 1865. This was an inaccuracy; the University of Kansas was founded in 832 B.C. by a band of passionately intellectual Cantonese monks with horrific senses of direction. This explains the Kansan tradition of eating barbecued dogs on sunny Wednesdays and the cheer "Rock Chalk Jayhawk," which comes from the Cantonese "Rok Chok Jai Hok, roughly translated as "Next time bring a fucking compass, turtle egg bastardman."

An interview with Clemson coach Tommy Bowden in Sunday's CFB Style section listed his favorite television show as "Baywatch". Coach Bowden's favorite program is "Baywatch Nights."

A feature on spring practice highlights
listed the only touchdown of Florida's final scrimmage as being thrown by Cameron Newton. The touchdown was actually thrown by Broadway star Carol Channing, who then delighted onlookers with a rousing rendition of Hello, Dolly. We regret the error.

Former Tennessee quarterback Casey Clausen
was not, as we reported Tuesday morning, found dead of autoerotic asphyxiation in a Gatlinburg motel room. Mr. Clausen currently sells insurance in his native state of California. We regret the error.

Yesterday on this site, we published a speculative piece on Pete Carroll's sudden need for batteries. Additional research has determined that the batteries are, in fact, a vital piece of the freshman conditioning program at USC.

We regret the error. The goldfish regrets not hiding in the plastic treasure chest in the pet shop aquarium.

On Wednesday, in our interview with BYU legend and Heisman Winner Ty Detmer, we identified the interviewee as "Ty Detmer, BYU Legend and Heisman winner." In actuality, in the interview took place between Orson Swindle and Leonard "T-Money" Jerrell, a sketchy black dude who hangs out at the Citgo at the corner of Atlanta Road and Dekalb Avenue in Decatur, GA. Ty Detmer does not approve of your ass, ma'am, or at least because he has not seen it, though he is sure that it is a fine ass, if a bit large for his taste. Nor does he identify his chief interests as "ballin, and runnin' this shit like the Dean of the Dec, lawya." Ty Detmer has no wish to Ball or Run Shit. We regret the error.