DEAR [INSERT RECRUIT'S NAME HERE]

Dear [insert Recruit's name here],

Your schedule for your visit follows below. Please note that any and all changes to the schedule must be made in advance, unless it's harshing your mellow, in which case we'll just roll with it, dude. No worries.

It's official visit time! Feel free to take anything you like, including a whole tree or any car you see.

6:00 a.m. Mat drills! Oh, just kidding. You'll be sleeping. Just wake up when you want to, because that's the way things are here. You roll out of bed when you please, because players like you need their sleep. But before you do...

~11:15 a.m.: Morning greeting. One of our greeters will meet you personally in your dorm room and "greet" you for 10 minutes or so. Unless you're some kind of freak, it shouldn't take longer than ten minutes for the greeting process to be completed. Our greeters are not professionals, but rather students you'll see every day for as long as you like! Imagine the fun of greeting on demand, recruit!

11:30: Breakfast. Join us at the dining hall for eggs, sausage, and a little bit of wake 'n bake. And by that, we mean brownies, baked fresh in the commissary every day! Why, what else do you think we would mean, silly? And if something is chewy and green in your eggs, it's "spinach." So hard to digest! Why don't you just spit it out, wash it, and carry it in your pockets for later.

12:00: Personal concert from BunB and the 3-6 Mafia. Or Three Doors Down, if you're less into the urban music and more into country-friendly rock. We make no racial distinctions here, we just want everyone to be happy and comfortable. If you're Christian and think music is for the devil, we'll be happy to just take you bowling with the team chaplain, because bowling is the holiest of low-impact sports.

12:35 p.m.: Meet the coach. Man, he's nice. He also stares straight into your eyes with some kind of mind-melding gaze, but that's because he's zoinked on caffeine. DO NOT ATTACK HIM THIS IS NOT A CHALLENGE TO FIGHT. You hear me, recruit? YOU NO FIGHT COACH. Unless you really want to, of course--he loves that! Remember, any and all taser-related damage has been waived by you as an implicit condition of this visit.

12:36--1:15 p.m.: Talk with the coach. He's going to want to ask you questions, talk with you, and hear you say that you want to come here to play football. There will be a mention of school In all likelihood, he is jos' keeeeeding! This is a football program. Just nod and mumble incoherently while playing on your PSP the whole time. He's used to it.

1:30--3:30 p.m. Campus tour. We'll walk around. I know your reaction already: "Walking? Shiiiiit." You all say that, so we're used to it and thinking ahead. You won't be walking--you'll be futuretransportating with our favorite guide, Sir Steven of Campuslot!

You might think he's not "fly," but trust me. He's the best "amateur botanist" we have on campus, if "amateur botany" if your thing! If ya know what I mean, man! And I mean weed, motherfucker! Sweet, stinky college-town trip-weed that will turn QVC into a eight-hour-wide portal of multidimensional soul-surfing, sir. Please note that Sir Steven is not a University employee, and has no connection to anything I just said. Steven who?

3:31--3:38 p.m: Your second "greeting" with our greeters. Man, those ladies greet like Carson Kressley at Fleet Week. Or Johnny Weir at a Clay Aiken concert. Whatever--that's the kind of hospitality we put out every day here. Seriously. You'll pray for intercourse after a month just to stop the chapping.

3:39--4:00 p.m. A tour of the "spinach fields" with our generous booster, Mr. Oswalt T. Brainknuckles III. My, there's just so much loose "spinach" in the Ag Department these days! It doesn't taste good, but it's so useful and nutritious. If you ever need any, the people in the greenhouses can't get rid of it fast enough.

4:01--4:15 p.m. We'll introduce you over the PA at the stadium. Feel free to make up a name--we'll say any of them over the loudspeaker. NOW PLAYING FOR THE [INSERT SCHOOL HERE]...MARLON TWATMASTERS! Seriously, we'll say any of them to get you to think we're cool and come play here.

4:00--??? We're turning you over to the players now, so you're on your own time now. Maybe we'll kidnap your parents, or get them hooked on some hyperaddictive government drug we're making in a lab and possess the only antidote to, or perhaps we'll just turn you loose with team captain Leonard "No Mercy" Higgins, who once beat a man to death with our backup center for telling him the time in military time, something Leonard felt was "disrespectful math-fag shit." Leonard's the heart and soul of our team, and I say heart because whenever he flexes, blood goes all over the place.

Or perhaps I keed! You'll have great fun, and with the cooperation of all major law enforcement authorities, you'll get back with no documented marks on your record and all of your body parts intact. Just remember: if Leonard gets into the "sizzurp," run. he spikes his with something they steal from the vet school. I don't know what it is, but when they inject it into horses their eyes turn yellow, and they can kick holes in solid steel.

Enjoy your visit, recruit!