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JOE TILLER: THE HANDOVER

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It being the respectable Midwest where things are done a certain way and in a certain manner, Joe Tiller has agreed on a handover plan for his retirement and the introduction of his successor, Eastern Kentucky. The negotiations went something like this.

University Counsel: Good morning, Coach Tiller.

Tiller: Hiya. We here to pick my successor?

UC: Yes, sir.

Tiller: Not by sneaking around old Joe's back like some weaselly little shitminkins, right? Like you did last month?

UC: Yes, sir. No shitminking going on here. I thought we'd just go through the slides and get your reaction to each of them, since you've indicated you want to pick the next coach by sight alone.

Tiller: Yes. You can tell a good coach on sight. You just have to know what to look for.

UC: Okay, here's candidate one.

Tiller: No fucking way! No. Nyet. No to the the power of my balls. No, no, and no. You tried to foist this shit on my last month, and I'll be damned if I let you get your way, even if it does make sense. You know what I think of your sense?

UC: No, sir. (sighs.) What do you think of my sense, which represents the opinion of Purdue's Board of Governors and not necessarily my own.

Tiller: Donkey apples to your sense, pindick. Next!

UC: Candidate two?

Brock Spack: Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Tiller: YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES--wait. That's Spack, right? No! No, no, and no. Trust me here.

Brock Spack: But...

Tiller: No! Which is the opposite of yes!

Spack: ...

UC: Okay, Coach, this leaves us with...

Tiller: YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES! JUST LOOK AT THE MAN! I'LL GO PICK HIM UP MYSELF!

UC: But don't you...

Tiller: YES! THERE'S NO TIME, MAN! YES!

UC: But I have--

Tiller: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS: HIRE THE MAN YESTERDAY! YES I SAID YES I WILL YES!!!

Illustrations courtesy of Holly and LSUFreek.