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Let's install a bidet, people!

You can't have a modern bathroom without a bidet. I know what you're saying, now: what kind of man uses something French to lick his ass that can't be charged anonymously to a credit card as "PERSONAL SERVICES, INC" from a Lyon hotel room? Not me, you say!

Wrong. It's time to show some modern fluffy sensitivity and stop smearing the brown ghost of last night's pot roast around your ass and get with the squeaky-clean, watery goodness of a behind blasted immaculate with the gentle but firm touch of a bidet.

We'll even show you how to make your very own, extremely masculine Ohio State bidet just like the one that keeps Tressel's trundle clean every week on ABC. Ready?

Step one: the bidet. Be careful--you can overpay for your bidet, as some built-in toilet/bidet models can run into the thousands of dollars. We can only say that the decision is yours, but for value's sake the extra water you'll use with a separate bidet is negligible. We say keep them separate to save a few bucks, and pick up a model such as the Kohler "San Tropez" for no more than $500 total.

Step Two: Installation. Don't make the mistake of just drilling a few holes in the floor, hooking up a pipe, and firing away at the old log-mouth with a poorly installed bidet. Precision matters here. First, make sure your tiling is level, and that you've got your piping lined up accurately. Trace the outline of the bidet on the floor, and crack out the chalk line and level to make sure the bidet is attractively and evenly placed next to the toilet.

Now take a drill and make two 3/16" holes in the floor for the anchor. Don't forget your sealant! This all-important element will save you from nagging leaks and drips in the future, and you'll thank yourself for the extra effort later.

Connect your pipes, drain, and you're almost there.

Add some style. In this case, we're going to jazz up the bidet with a familiar loving face. We've taken an image off the internet, printed and laminated it, and blown it up on an 8X12 scale. Then we we did a quick outline of the image on some pressed 1/16 inch aluminum, matched up the image, and cut a quick 1/2 inch hole to allow for the bidet faucet to poke through. Make sure your faucet hole is just big enough--a tight fit is essential here.

Take the mounting and run a quick solder and seal job around the faucet, and we're ready to scrub. Oh, and don't forget the waterproof sticker at the bottom of the trough for effect.

Step Four: Get that undercarriage Musburger-clean! Pardner, even in defeat no one washes your Buckeye balls more thoroughly and forcefully than the Brentster. You're looking live! At my ass being cleaned just like Jim Tressel's is on a weekly basis! Turn on thE water and feel the force of America's announcer getting you a squeaky kind of clean only previously possible
with four hours of feverish man-amour.

This has been EDSBS Home and Garden Weekly. Enjoy the freshness, y'all!