My name is Cary Garnett, and I'm awesome and rich and love to give money to football programs. Especially ones named after horses, because I'm hung like one, and so is my good friend and coaching legend Gary Barnett.
I'm writing you today to suggest my good friend, Gary Barnett, for the opening you have at SMU for the position of head football coach. And if the word opening seems suggestive, it should be: I promise you my good friend will turn SMU into the whoriest of whore college football programs, and lead the Mustangs back to national prestige one hard, furious cash-subsidized hooker rodeo at a time.
Gary Barnett's record speaks for itself: he turned Northwestern around. Northwestern, a school that had previously known nothing but sorrow and cold, escort-free winters of football regret. Barnett brought them victory with a special kind of sunshine: hookers.
And not just cheap ones, either: expensive, well-toned, professional hookers capable of snapping the bolts off fire hydrants with their inner labia and sucking the suck off a program as bad as Northwestern.
And suck the suck off they did, propelling Barnett and the team he happened to be coaching, Northwestern, to a Rose Bowl game. Barnett won national coach of the year almost single-handedly, and graciously thanked himself in his acceptance speech on behalf of the players he coached.
Barnett's no stranger to challenges, though: his next job took him to Colorado, where he took over a program that had not won a game in 39 years and led them to countless Big 12 titles!* Barnett used the same plan for success he'd used at previous stops, leading to some of the most successful recruiting classes ever for Colorado and a record number of broken beds, dressers, chairs, and sprained penis cases at Boulder General during the "contact period" of recruiting.
Quote from an anonymous but happy recruit: "I can't feel anything below the waist and now have an invisible parrot who tells me strange things that I can't swipe off my shoulder. This trip rocked, especially the nine-hour session with Mei Xue, the Iron Pleasure Lotus of Hebei Province. I have to go to the bathroom now. If you hear screaming, don't worry--it's just me attempting to use my now useless urinary tract!"
See? Barnett don't play! Whoa, what do I mean? That's not even English! Wrong, hom-ey! Barnett speaks the language of the streets, allowing him to connect with "urban" youth. (That's code for black kids.) Barnett can even walk it out for recruits, who love his fresh steps and old school wobble. He'll be able to do it again once the hip surgery heals up.
I..er, Gary also understands what it takes to build a program back up. Do kids need confidence? Hooker weekend! Do kids need extra motivation for a game? That calls for a special kind hooker, the kind only a pro can call up on his cell phone at a moment's notice. And you need the kind of cash and cash-acquiring skills it takes to keep the hookers and recruits coming. And with his patented accounting system and rich-booster-seeking skills, he's totally the man for this.
So to sum up: hookers. Cash. Hookers. Win. Oh, and no girls. They're terrible.
Balls out with clout,
Cary Garnett, Impressive and Estimable Wealthy Man At Large
ps. This is not written by Gary Barnett, who is a dear and tender friend of mine in a not gay way. I just think he's really the guy for the program. Also he is hung like a donkey. Again, I know this in an ungay way so don't get any ideas.
*This is totally true and you don't need to check it against some pansy-ass record or anything.