BLOGPOLL, WEEK NINE: SEC KILLING FLOOR

The Blogpoll goes wacky and unapologetic this week. Given a season with a total lack of reason, we commit ourselves to the asylum of just trying to put the best teams based on what we've seen--a mad idea given the nostrums of "the tyranny of the undefeated" that rules most polling, including many of our own ballots. (It's like that damned "tyranny of the outrageously attractive and well-hung" that keeps us manning the blender at orgies instead of grunt-getting in style with our fifty year old neighbors!)

Anyway--the ballot for this week, which you already hate nearly as much as we do.

Notes, apologies, and upraised middle fingers in defense of the indefensible.

LSU's the best team in the country, and they're number one by margins based on what we've seen on the field versus quality competition. Their only defeat came in triple overtime to the best quarterback in the country. They've got two quarterbacks capable of wrecking defenses. Their defensive line is now so dangerous opponents have resorted to chop-blocking them, albeit in completely unintentional ways. (cough) Early Doucet has returned to the wideout corps, they've got a power back, a neutrino-fast speed back, and two combo running backs who can destroy games singlehandedly. The defense is vulnerable only in the sense that they're too aggressive, and thus exploitable on the boots, screens, and quick stuff Auburn and Florida got them on, but that's a fault you'll take--especially in a prospective title matchup with lead-footed Todd Boeckman and Ohio State.

We can't sell you on it if you aren't already sold, since this seems to be an article of faith, not an evidence-based decision for most. But just imagine if, in 2007 alone, you had this bag of exploding hammers at your disposal and the call comes down to who'll put the game on the line in the ballsiest way imaginable. We think we've come up with the magic bullet to describe Les Miles thus far: he's got the tools to back up his balls at this point at LSU, and the right Dr. Weird-type in the booth (Gary Crowton) to pull it off this season if the offense needs to score to win. The will is his, and the design is Crowton's. It's a better match than we could have imagined.

Ohio State! Fuck you it's Ohio State! It could be, provided they beat Penn State this weekend. To this point, though, we imagine LSU getting on the field carrying a spice rack and a turkey baster with Ohio State. The fricassee would be on like Donkey Kong.

And if this were Florida, Alabama, or Auburn in the same position, we'd do the same. See the fact we axed three SEC teams from the poll this week for sucking. Note: not for competing in "THE TOUGHEST CONFERENCE IN THE LAND" [/merrill hoge], but for s-u-c-k-i-n-g and l-o-s-i-n-g.

The remaining? Bafflement. Oregon's an amazing football team with a stout resume. If he played in the Midwest or the South, Dennis Dixon would have children and bouncing happy babies named after him right now. Missouri is Gary Pinkel's first team not wilting through the late season. Kansas has left the state once, and pays for it thusly. (It's not an insult--it's waiting for proof!) UCLA, now entering our poll again, will surely exit it with an inconsistent, strange, and eye-gouging loss this weekend. They're the Iggy Pop of college football: rich and famous, then homeless in Haiti, then rich and famous, then homeless in Detroit, then rich and famous again.

Dropped: Auburn, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Wisconsin, all for being squirrelly, inconsistent, gifted and maddening. If they were people, we'd call them family! Being football teams, we just call them unranked.

Hawaii has started charging rent in the low twenties, and plans to flip it for a nicer spot in the high teens by the end of the season. You should see what they've done to the kitchen: butcher block countertops, recessed lighting, a huge new SubZero refrigerator. Even in this market, it's a sure sell.