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SING, YE SEA DOGS, PRAISE OF MIKE LEACH.

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Real pirates! Not fun! Like theft! And rape! Yarr!

Yes, it's International Talk Like A Pirate Day, which like the shifting winds of fall puts one's mind out to sea, the home of pirates like Mike Leach. Actually, most pirates we suspect are Indonesian or Somali, carry RPGs and pistols, and are missing one or more very yellowed teeth. But don't blame us, misconstrued reality--blame Michael Lewis and the head swashbuckler himself, Leach.

Bringing us, mateys, to ponder the six year old question: be Captain Leach perched upon a treasure of gold unseen since the mines of Solomon belched forth their wealthy golden vomit o' fortune? Or be it fool's gold, as Texas Tech has pulled a textbook example o' tackin' 'round the reefs of early schedule contestation, feastin' on the defenseless wee merchantmen of SMU, UTEP, and Rice to the measty sum of 153-64 in points, friend?

Yarr! Friend, Texas Tech may yet be hornswagglin' ye--a likely 6 and unvanquished they'll be goin' into the matchup with Texas A&M on October 13th, where they'll fain avoid the poundin' offense of the biggest, ugliest mermaid gone terrestrial e're the crust of this cursed earth cooled: the Black Cap'n Dennis Franchione. Wot with the beastie in Jorvorskie Lane, should be quite a night o' wenchin', drankin', and merriment* to be had there for all concerned!

Still, it be tallish impressive to behold Graham Harrell and the moighty digits he puts forth on this early leg of the voyage: 120 completions, 160 attempts, 75.0 completion percentage, 1,317 yards total, and a 14/2 TD ratio. Great Neptune's Jockstrap, them's impressive, even against wee squabbers like they've been feastin'.

Get no illusions, however--Admiral Stoops lays in wait just round the horn, and a ferocious galleon he sails this season. Yet for a swabbie's meager purse, none sailing the sea runs a more colorful ship, matey, than Leach--oh, how the cannonballs should fly when Missouri sees the Red Raiders sail into Missouri! A jolly day it should be, indeed, sirrah, most 'specially with all the heads rolling about the place and the thin hulls of defense on both sides. [TEAM REDACTED] scored 34 on them? Four score and a tankard of scumble for our fair captain that night!

HUZZAH!!!

*And by merriment, we mean rape. Let's be clear on that. You think pirates be all fun and games, then you ken that next to showtunes, fresh breezes, and cosmopolitans on the stern in a muscle shirt, pirates also loves the rape. Seriously. Men, women, dogs, furniture, luxury European sports cars' tailpipes, melons with holes cut in them--whatever. Don't go a-sailin' with one with virtue on your mind, lest the Barbary Coast find you bent over a barrel watchin' the sun rise with a fleshpike firm square plied in thy poop deck for a watch's length. Not that there's anything wrong with that, if you're into that. Pirates love frilly shirts and dancin', too. Avast ye, love that dare not speak its name!